A typically untypical blog (how typical)

The Wise Man's Fear

2011-03-08T14:59:00.001+08:00

Secrets of the heart are private and painful. We want nothing more than to hide them from the world. They do not swell and press against the mouth. They live in the heart, and the longer they are kept, the heavier they become.

We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.

Another year ends

2010-10-31T22:25:00.003+08:00

Another year draws to a close. This one has been blighted by a long time in limbo. A long time just running around doing nothing. But at least on the bright side things are drawing to a close. And there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm now a teacher. I wonder what all my educators would say if they knew that the little terrorist they used to teach is now in their shoes. I don't think any of them would believe me anyway. Lol! On the other hand, its been 5 years since I've left school. Maybe I should go back...just to say hello.

Physically its been a year blighted by injury and compounded by my hard headed inability to let my body rest when its down for the count. I'd like to say its because I'm resilient and determined. The reality is its probably because I'm too stubborn for my own good. That being said, I'm on the road to recovery. It can't get worse essentially. So hey - time to get abck in the ring I reckon.

Sometimes I'm more and more stressed out. I never used to understand why dad would come home and just sit by himself with his eyes closed doing nothing. But now I know. Work is great. But some days, you just want to lie back and do nothing.

I will say this for the record. It would be better if I exercised as much patience for my family as I do for my students and friends. After all...its family first.

Work hard, play hard. Train harder.

Gnite.

Selfish

2010-09-03T17:08:00.004+08:00

"Selfish". Now there's one of those things which I just don't understand. Everyone always looks out for themselves. It is the rare individual that is able to look beyond himself, out onto the bigger picture and for the greater good.

To get ahead sometimes you just have to be selfish. That's one of the innumerable truths of life. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first. So why does everyone say being selfish is a bad thing? If being selfish occasionally is a necessity for progress why is it always portrayed negatively? I guess its a timing thing. Theres a time and place to be selfish - and a time and place to be selfless. Another question of choices i suppose.

There are times when even people of the highest integrity and moral disposition have to make questionable calls. Its just part of life. Holding it against them is something you could do. But in the neverending quest for betterment some difficult decisions have to be made. Which is more important Justice or Compassion? Does the end justify the means or is the journey more important than the destination? Is it more important to conduct oneself with integrity at all times at the expense of progress or the betterment of oneself?

Some people can actually live with making reprehensible decisions. Its called being utilitarian. My brother is one of them. Mum hates us drinking. But being boys, alcohol is a fairly unavoidable part of growing up. I always tell mum whenever I'm out for a pint. Jon on the other hand says he's going to stay over at a mates' place. The result is that I end up in an argument and Jon gets away with blue murder. Its just one scenario out of a million. Rather than saying what I think my parents want to hear, I say what they need to hear. And Jon says what they want to hear. The result is that my relationship with the is fractious due to an overwhelming honesty. And Jon gets the lions share of whatever he wants because he knows how to "endear" himself to my parents.

Some might call it being two-faced or hypocritical. But to him, the end justifies the means. And therefore "right" is a purely subjective scenario. He's happy to live like this and its a personal choice that he has made. Personally I find it morally reprehensible and I can't sleep at night if I lied to my parents about where I was and what I was doing. But then again thats just me. So if I was to be utilitarian about it, I'm being selfish - because I place the importance of my conscience above the sanity of my parents. At the end of the day, the end justifies the means, and to Jon his relationship with our parents has flourished because of his hypocrisy.

I'm not saying one is right over the other. Its just a different approach to life and how your moral makeup invites one to perceive certain situations. Am I being selfish? To a degree I suppose. Is it a bad thing to adhere to ones principles at the expense of a vast number of other things? Its certainly selfish - but does that make it bad? At the end of the day perspective is what determines right or wrong.

And I love my brother - I would never impose my views and principles on him or anyone else for that matter. We just have different views on life and to each his own.

I write

2010-08-16T04:48:00.002+08:00

The leg gets better. Strong rehab follows mental preparation to run again. Its already morning and I still haven't hit the sack - one of the many repercussions to follow the month long malaise known as the World Cup. Its not as easy to kick a sleeping pattern as I was led to believe. Clearly I should sue someone.

I've begun reading heavily again. Apparently philosophy is something I enjoy. Now if only I could have done that at university. Advanced thinking has always been something that has interested me. Not that many would believe me.

I've contemplated going back to university. I wonder what a masters course would do for me. Hmmm. Nonetheless its just a brief flirtation which I have pushed to the back of my mind.

"Club can't handle me." is playing off my speakers at the moment. Its a song which brings a smile to my face everytime the chorus kicks in. I can't explain why, but it just does. I want to dance and run and sing and jump every single time. Maybe its a new song. Maybe its my tendency to fall head over heels for something if I like it. Clearly I'm a sucker for first impressions. But as to why? Who cares. It feels good thats all that matters really.

The suns up. I gotta worry about cooking lunch now. Off to bed. (Maybe after a bowl of cereal)

Good morning.

Optimism

2010-08-05T03:16:00.002+08:00

Hope. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment. Somewhat synonymous with optimism. I dwell alot on the most hopeful outcome of situations. Generally that also means I am disappointed a lot of the time. Thankfully skin like a rhino and a 2 second rebound rate also means that I don't take too much of the failures to heart.

This is probably one of the few times ever I'm hoping I don't have to go back to KL. Ah Kong's down with a stroke. Truthfully, the old man is 92, so obviously I've prepared myself for his imminent departure - its something which plays at the back of my mind quite often. But I want to be there if he's about to go. I want to be by his side and see him. Hold his hand and tell him I love him. They say you regret not spending enough time with the people you love until they go. I won't feel guilty in that regard...but I just need to see him.

Just this one time - I'm hoping I won't be disappointed. I don't care if I never go back if that means he will be fine. So...heres to hoping.

22 July - Rehab week 2

2010-07-22T02:26:00.005+08:00

I have set myself back 1-2 weeks by my estimation. Which means square 1 essentially. Rehab can be a real bitch. But I'm not giving up because I want - *need*- to be able to move like i used to. The possibility that I will be a lesser athlete is not something I am willing to entertain. I simply refuse to believe it.

I find that most times when I turn to blog is when I'm the most troubled. Or when I'm bereft of ideas. I look to this blog for inspiration and a spark of inventiveness. Something to flare up in my mind that helps me think clearly. Something that calms me down. The stock standard line is that blogging is therapeutic. But the truth is, its something more. Its something to cling on to when all else seems false.

Its a reality that I create, or a place where I can bandy about my musings without fear of reprisal. Really its almost like religion - without meaning to sound blasphemous. I guess thats why some people keep journals or write down their thoughts. Its a comforting procedure, to see your own thoughts in writing. I guess it lets you know that you're in control of some things at least.

These days I get up and cook mostly. Fortunately I haven't been caught up by the masterchef bug. Wayyy too much emotion involved in it. You cook a bad dish, you man up and get sent home. Thats just the way it works. Standing there and crying though seems to be the modus operandi for a precious few. It seems to work though, most of the criers end up staying on - maybe I should cry if I want something...oh wait, already tried that - a quick thrashing from dad sorted that out rather quickly. Either way, its not a good habit to get into.

I've watched movies about relationships between parents and their children. How they become so estranged. And when I was youger I used to think that they were hammed up. Intentionally melodramatised for the audiences benefit. What I find now however, is that alot of the emotion is actually quite real. Most estranged children actually react to their parents like that and vice versa. I used to think it was a satirical representation of how children and parents overreact to one another, but when I think about it - thats essentially what an estrangement is. Its when a parent and child overreact negatively to everything each other do or say.

Sometimes I see myself in those recalcitrant children. I wonder how I find it in myself to put my parents through such pain. Its an eternal conundrum how one can be so hateful and yet at the same time love the same people more than anyone else in the world. Beats me how those conflicting emotions can originate from the same source. The funny thing is I think I'm in trouble once I get kids. Karma has a funny way of biting you in the arse.

Eithe way, its getting late. I have to get to bed. I need dreams. Everyone does. Tommorow is another day. That and I've got to pay my water bill or risk going winter with a frozen pair. Goodnight.

*R.I.P: Hadri Aidnil. The good die young, and you were one of the best. It was an honour to know you. God Bless.

Up

2010-03-09T01:37:00.004+08:00

Its three in the morning and I can't sleep. So I've decided to revisit my nocturnal tendencies and blog.

Now I live on the 12th floor of an apartment block. You'd think that 12 floors up, I'd be rid of mosquitoes. But apparently the little critters have a way of laughing in my face and telling me to suck it. Or rather deal with them sucking blood outta me.

Which has led me to try to figure out how the hell they get up so high. I didn't think mosquitoes could physically power themselves up more than 100 meters vertically. On the other hand, it coulda snuck into the lift and followed me up. Either way, its a moot point because now that they're here I have to kill em before I can get back to sleep. Which brings me to the topic of UP!

I watched a slight bit of the oscars today. There are some questions welling up in me. Like why didn't Avatar win? Its almost poetic justice for me, considering I was just waxing lyrical about how the Underdog is just not appreciated enough. Heres a film that only made 20 million at the box office - a relative failure in comparison to James Cameron's blockbuster. But somehow I think the Academy played on the romance of the whole David vs Goliath scenario and voted in The Hurt Locker. Not that it isn't a great movie mind you! I haven't watched it yet, but I've seen clips and previews and it looks good. But if I were an Academy voter, I'd definitely be slightly swayed by the whole dichotomy of "little indie label film" up against the magic machine that spawned the N'avi race.

My favourite part though has got to be "Up" winning best animated film and best original score. I'll admit initially I was in no way interested in the movie - after awhile all of Pixar's cookie cutter heartwrenching animations were taking their toll on me. But I finally caved in and went to watch it. Possibly the best decision of 2009. As much as I claim to be a cynic, I reckon on some level theres a romantic in all of us. I mean - how could you not watch that show and feel the slightest twinge of emotion. I reckon Hitler coulda watched that movie and teared.

To me it was -or rather is- the perfect movie. It had everything. Romance, Dreams, Drama, Issues, Resolution, Redemption, Vindication. It was perfect - all the appropriate subtle addressing of real world issues ensconced within an animated film that was not as predictably mushy as expected but displayed a depth of complexity that really really blew me away . My film for the year in 2009. As much as I pan pixar for constantly preying on the softer underbelly of my emotionally inclined peers and churning out gut-wrenching (ocassionally vomit inducing) film after film, I have to admit they really hit all the right buttons with this one. And for once I'm actually happy to say I was wrong and that it was a great great film. I was gunning for Up to win the Best Picture award - and while it didn't, I thought had it done so, it would have been real deserving.

On that note, I think I'm off to execute some more insect life so I can get some much needed snooze. Gnite.

"Never once in my life did my parents say, 'What you're doing is a waste of time.' ... I know there are kids out there that don't have that support system. So if you're out there and you're listening, listen to me: You want to be creative? Get out there and do it, it's not a waste of time." — Michael Giacchino, after winning the award for best original score.

Twits

2010-02-02T00:49:00.004+08:00

I've been having alot of time on my hands lately. The problem with having too much time is that it means a number of things

That I'm not doing enough. Lets face it, in today's world, time is a luxury. And luxury unearned, is never a good thing. Ever.
That my time management sucks. Having too much idle time just means that I'm not using up all my free time properly. Like now. When I should be sleeping, but instead have decided to write. Enough said

So before I head off to the more productive activity of sleep. I have a question. Does anyone else get annoyed by people who *always* talk about their other half? It used to be that you could ignore the people who constantly inundated you with streams of information about how wonderful their current squeeze was. You'd either not pick up your phone, or decline their invitations to hang out (respectfully of course).

But facebook and twitter have opened a whole new world of pain to me. Daily, I check my facebook in the somewhat misguided belief that maybe someone has something to say to me (sadly, this misconception still holds true, even at time of writing). However, now, I'm inundated with sickly sweet stories of "the boyfie" or boyf or The Boy or whatever new psuedo-noun said sickening other half has decided to label the unfortunate soul. I just don't get it. For one, he has a name. Maybe saying, "Joel came to pick me up and we had a terrific meal" would be just as informative as, "The boyf came over and we snuggled." Which is fine - short and sweet, with a little tantalizing taste of what could be...heck let the imaginations of the voyeuristic run wild.

Unfortunately, this is wishful thinking - the aforementioned sentence is usually preceded with a detailed description of the various intimate occurrences of the relationship. Let me just say - Noone cares. Really. *Noone* Its funny to read. But its kinda like a bad Jim Carrey movie, after awhile it gets really old. Unfortunately, the director doesn't seem to get that the film is being critically panned...nooooooo. Instead screenings are continued. Look honey, heres a tip. Direct to DVD. Keep a diary or something.

You wanna tell someone how much you love the man of your dreams - do it over the telephone or something. (And even then keep the volume down) Courtesy and common phone manners tell you noone wants to hear what you're talking about. That's why people on public transport talk in hushed tones, or cover the phone...and the China dude in his pagoda t-shirt swearing on his shiny new iPhone is considered a rude prick.

Likewise, keep your intimate details from spilling over into the virtual world - and if you *have* to, keep it short, sweet and less regular please. I mean - social networking sites were invented to keep people in touch easily...not regale them with tales about your relationships. I mean if you were saving whales or the environment or doing something meaningful, heck go for it - say what you like. But saturating cyberspace with sweet nothings is nauseating. And slightly rude. Its like PDA...which everyone has a right to - and in the right amount can make you go "awwwww". But too much is just bad taste.

The Underdog

2010-01-31T00:24:00.004+08:00

What is it about the underdog? The Australian Open has been going on for the last two weeks, and I find myself continually rooting for the underdog in most matches.

The pattern I notice developing though, is that its not *just* the Australian Open. Its everything. Its in game shows, in sports, in *everything*. I find myself rooting more and more often for the underdog. The guy that shows the most desire. The team with the most spirit. The contestant with the most heart. I always start snarling whenever I see the more privileged person act all smug. I hated Roger Federer's interview after beating Tsonga on Friday night. He was just so entitled it almost made me sick. All the slight references to how much pressure there is on the other guy.

He's a gracious sorta winner, but honestly, Nadal's more my sorta player. Gets down and gritty with the worst of us, the running, the effort. Federer sometimes looks like he's almost having a stroll in a park. I'm sure you can admire the fact he manages to make it look so effortless, but how can you understand it? I'm sure he put in the hard work, but its like that kid at school who aces everything and says, "No, I didn't really study."

Personally I connect more with that passion Nadal has. Its almost as if Roger's a robot going through the motions and moving on. Nadal breathes hard and bleeds for every point. He earns it all through the strength of his back and the sweat of his brow. *That* I can appreciate.

Why? Is it some human condition, that I relate with the person who's trying the hardest? Is it because of my life experiences, or is it because people generally empathize more with the individuals who keep trying and trying no matter the odds? Why is it that people always love seeing others defy the odds?

There isn't a single thing more satisfying, than seeing someone have the odds stacked against them and come out on top.

I always get a little tingle whenever I hear about people coming back from the brink. Thats why Andre Agassi is my favourite player over Pete Sampras. Even Marat Safin, who was volatile, but so passionate it gave you goosebumps. To revamp your life, your image, your everything and play when everyone seems to have written you off. Maybe its the romantic in me (yech) or maybe theres something satisfying about seeing others overcome adversity. Or maybe its just that deep down, everyone lives out their little fairy tales through others. Either way...the world could always use a few more fairy tale stories. Good luck Murray - wipe the floor with that Smug Swiss Bagel.

~No one understands that you have given everything. You must give more. ~
Antonio Porchia

Invictus: I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul

2010-01-30T01:55:00.003+08:00

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~W.E. Henley~

About time

2009-12-06T02:25:00.002+08:00

It feels good to be a graduate. In today's world its not much of an achievement really...everyone in the corporate world is expected to have one. But yet, I feel good. I suppose its one of the few things I've done marginally right. Tough time, but it was a great experience.

I'm loving KL at the moment. Surprisingly the weathers been...cool. Which is not an adjective I'd usually use to describe it, but I thank God for small mercies.

There have been a couple of things which I've found rather unusual happening over the last couple weeks. All of which equate to, "mountain out of a molehill". One was Thierry Henry's handball against the Irish, the other Tiger Woods' extramarital indiscretions.

I have to say, while handball goes against the name of the game, guys - shit happens...get over it. There's a fine line between gamesmanship and sportsmanship and professional sportspeople tread that line *all* the time. From tennis players making dodgy line calls - which don't happen anymore with the advent of hawkeye. To cricket players refusing to walk even when clearly out - as long as the umpire rules them in of course. To various acts of "cheating" - I mean bloody hell, Maradona scored with his hand and he's famous for it! (Of course he's Godly brilliant, but thats another matter entirely.) My point is, its up to the ref to call it in the game. The games over, move on. You lost. Maybe through some unfortunate circumstance where the referee failed to spot a violation of the rules, but thats the way football is. You win some you lose some.

Thierry's had a stellar career, been a great sport all his life, and then gets condemned for one act of gamesmanship. Come on. Its football - and its *professional* football. Any edge to be had should be taken. I'm not condoning cheating...its just that on the spur of the moment he has a choice to make. He's hit it with his hand - no whistle. He plays on - and the goals been scored. Ref didn't spot it? Cool! Celebrate goal. Fini. Why all the international hoo ha? Just because its a world cup qualifier? I swear the power of the media gets more and more sickeningly overwhelming year after year.

Now Mr. Woods. Surely his affairs are his business alone. Sure he's a cheating scum sorta bloke to all the people in the world who actually believe in the sanctity of the insitution which is marriage, but does that make him less of a person? He's human. A human with a roving eye - slightly error prone off the manicured course - but so? Why should he apologize? WHy should he be subject to the condemnation of the public? He's a public figure so he should be aware of his behaviour? Come on - the man slept with another woman. So he's broken his wifes heart - violated his pre-nup and of course put paid to his squeaky clean image. But so what? He's human. And his family's affairs should be their own. Splashing it out on the front pages to sell papers does nothing to aid him. Sometimes I think the media should exercise discretion on what to publish in terms of how it will affect their relationships. Maybe he's thinking about how the media coverage will affect his corporate sponsorship - but then what about his kids? Noone wants to see mum and dad's problems splashed out on page 3. I think common human decency dictates that you should leave his family affairs to him. Sure he's the highest paid athlete in the world - and that may make him momentarily public property. But honestly - What makes a newspaper any different from a tabloid nowadays I fail to see - particularly tripe like the "Daily Chilli". Seriously the editing in that segment of the paper is atrocious - not to mention the lack of meaningful news.

Anyway, thats the diatribe for the day. Stay tuned.

Shazam! Arts of Gold.

2009-10-27T21:00:00.003+08:00

I know! Its almost a miracle, me actually blogging more than a couple months apart. But anyway - on to other things. Today was a charity concert at St.Johns' College. Twice a year, we throw a concert to raise funds for underprivileged children in a South African Orphanage. I sang twice in my first year. Unfortunately, time constraints, a lack of commitment and a disillusionment about my ability all contributed to a no-show on my part.

This year, following the funeral (see previous post) I found out Arts of Gold (thats what the concert is called) was held the next night. I hummed and hawwed, and finally after talking to a choir mate decided to sing something. I sang Vincent - or otherwise Starry Starry Night - by Don McLean. Funnily enough I wasn't nervous. I usually am everytime I perform something. But tonight, I felt a strange calm - it was sorta funny. I knew it was my last Arts of Gold ever. So I guess in many ways I wasn't pressured because noone was gonna laugh at me if I screwed up. Heh. I didn't even know the words! It was so last minute - the accompaniment pulled through for me - so thank you Damian. (he actually got me the song - so it would never have happened without him. =p)

But after singing it, I realised I'd been missing out. I wish I'd done it more while I was here. Its only a small contribution I guess, but knowing I've done just a little bit for some kid out there makes me feel good about myself. Of course this is compounded by people tapping me on the back saying, "I didn't know you could sing" or "Well done mate, that was awesome". I was pretty embarressed actually, I even had to hold on to my music because I didn't know all the words. -shamefaced-

But then Alice, a girl who I sang with at choir last year - came up to me when it was over and said to me, "I wish you'd have sung more while I was here. Your Hallelujah in 1st year made me cry." I dunno...when someone says something like that to you, just how do you react? I was proud, shy, embarrassed and happy all at the same time. In many ways, it was a sort of validation for myself - a little confidence booster.

After the concert, all the musicians got together and we had a little jam session. I'm surprised I could still mix it with the blokes from the Conservatorium! We jammed the night away, everyone jumped in and we sang a whole heap of songs, Oasis, Jack Johnson, ACDC and I kept chiming in with the guitars. It was awesome! I didn't know many of the songs but I managed to figure most of them. Then Sparkee goes, "Jules mate, you're like Shazam on the iPhone, I just play something and you sort it out!".

The funny thing is, most people get a nickname when they're freshers - seagull for the state swimmer, sex panther for the guy who hooked up with someones mum, sex rat for the guy who hooked up with anyone and everyone. Sex mouse for his younger brother. I get Shazam in my last week of uni and college. Poignant.

Damian's got a recording of tonight, he even has recordings of all my performances - which I never knew about. Hopefully I'll be able to get them off him. Perhaps I'll post them online if they're any good. Back in first year, it was my dream to be a musician. But i grew so disillusioned with the industry. But tonight...well, I sometimes like to think maybe my dreams aren't so far fetched after all.

Thank *you*, for making me jump in and believing in myself.

~100% of the shots you don't take, don't go in~ Wayne Gretzky

The year so far

2009-10-23T15:57:00.003+08:00

Yes, I'm well aware that its about time I blog again. Considering its been ages, I just thought I'd do a brief run through of my life at the moment.

Soccer season ended in September. We were bottom of the table in March and made it up to fourth come playoff time, but we lost out in the semis. All in all a fairly interesting season. Made some great mates and learnt alot about how to play the beautiful game.

Boxing season keeps going. You watch it on TV and you reckon you could do it...but its certainly not as easy as it looks. By far its the most physically and mentally challenging sport I've ever had the opportunity to partake in. I spend hours after hours with my coach just figuring out how to fine tune the way my body mechanics make it possible for me to throw the best punch it can throw. Its tedious and tiring. But for some reason I just love it.

They say the ring is a lonely place, but its where I face all my fears. And its helped me become a better person. Nowadays, everytime I encounter a difficult situation, I think back to my fights and spars. And I always think, "Nothing could be worse than getting bashed in the ring".

That being said, boxing is a dirty sport rife with corruption, even at amateur level. I was meant to participate in the university championships a week ago. I trained hard, lost weight and come fight time, my opponents pulled out. It was frustrating. I was willing to fight someone heavier, wearing heavier gloves and all sorts of concessions. But still - noone would step up. I don't think i've encountered anything quite as frustrating. It hurts when everything you trained hard for is for nought because noone will match up against you, or the organizers won't match any of their stable fighters against you.

One of my college mates just passed away on friday. He was hit by a car. A talented actor, he was cut down in the prime of life - just 19. I sing at his funeral on monday. He would surely have poked fun at me for singing something so cliche as Hallelujah. But then again - he would snigger at the innuendo involved - and how i'd be singing about women tying me to the kitchen chair in a church. But then again, knowing Jordan's propensity for the inappropriate, he'd have thought it a pretty apt. (The implication - not the song)

Exams are in 3 weeks, and then its the end of uni life forever...or for awhile. At any rate, it'll be a funny feeling. All the same, I'm not quite too sure whether I'm looking forward to it, or fearing it. In any event, it'll be a fun time. Gotta bounce to training. Will write soon.

~What is the measure of a man?~

Recap

2009-08-17T15:28:00.002+08:00

Its been a funny couple months.

Dads been in and out of the hospital. Funny how you appreciate the value of life when its about to be taken away from you. I never thought I'd have to face the possibility of never seeing the old man again until his complication arose. It could have gone either way. And I'm thankful he's doing good. Its one of those things you never think will happen to you, but then when it does, your jaw sort of drops in disbelief and you think, "NO! No no no no no no no!" But then when the dust clears you realise that its real and you just gotta sit down and handle it like a rational adult.

It made me realise that if my father were to leave, I'd be the one my brother would look too as a father-figure. The one my mother would look too for support. And I'd have to step up and do the right thing. It also made me realise how fragile my mother is...I know women have delicate sensibilities - but bloody hell my mother takes it to another level. Corporate hard case she may be, but when it comes to dad she's like tau foo fah.

Nonetheless, happier days are here, and I'm thankful for alot of things. Life could be worse.

Throwback

2009-06-22T17:35:00.002+08:00

I seem to have gone all retro with my music.

Currently on the playlist:
Def Leppard - Two Steps Behind
Hootie and the Blowfish - Hold My Hand
Eric Clapton - Fathers Eyes, Cocaine, Blue Eyes Blue, Change The World, Badge
Aerosmith - Girls of Summer, Pink

And some newer stuff:
The Kooks: Naive
Razorlight: America

Any like sounding music to add to the list anyone?

Raindrops

2009-06-21T21:36:00.000+08:00

It’s raining again. Unusually, the rain has been no reprieve for a solitary heart. I miss home and my family and my brother. Apparently 6 years does nothing to relieve the sudden yearning for home that waylays you when you least expect. When I was a young lad (younger than I am now anyhow) I used to think I feared nothing, knew what I wanted. I was always so sure of myself. Youth has its benefits in providing one with the irrefutable confidence in one’s own ability (whether rightly so, or otherwise). The funny thing is while experience is the best – albeit most costly – teacher, it’s also the one which sows that constant seed of doubt in your mind. I’m not quite sure whether it was naiveté that accorded a young man the degree of confidence I once had. Walking through the dodgiest neighbourhoods whistling a jolly tune at 1 in the morning was a normal occurrence. I’d walk a straight line through Redfern, climb fences and walk through backyards for the shortest route home. No care. That was circa 2006 though.

Three years down the track, and I walk around blind corners. I make myself as unobtrusive as possible when walking through Surry Hills (The unfashionable end) and of course Redfern. I shy away from Victoria Park and make sure the routes I take are well lighted. Am I afraid? I’m not quite sure. I wouldn’t say I’m quaking in my boots ...I suppose I’m just more risk adverse and alot more wary. Maybe it’s a genetic thing. People worry more when they get older. So whether experience is a “good” thing is pretty subjective I reckon. Perhaps the hardest bit about growing up is finding the ability to maintain your confidence in your abilities even after you’ve fallen down a couple of times. And yet draw on your experiences to tell you what an “appropriate” course of action would be in a given situation. Personally I enjoy reckless abandon for the very thrill it gives you. That rush of adrenaline on making a split second decision that can turn out the way you want it to. But there are some merits to a cold calculated approach and seeing the fruits of your meticulous labour – I guess I just like being proven right.

Nonetheless, we each have a preferred approach to life. One naturally more conservative and the other a slightly more liberal path...I only wish that I knew which would be – statistically speaking – the most successful. Is it worth the stress of planning? Or the stress of seeing a gamble *not* pay off. Worth pondering.

Of Chicken Burgers

2009-05-31T01:57:00.003+08:00

I've stumbled across what has to be - for my money anyway - the best chicken burger in sydney. And by best i mean tastes great - without burning a hole the size of a fist in your wallet. (e.g <$10) Its made with real chicken breast - not the traditional meat pattie. Marinated in a secret blend of onion, chilli and some other stuff which are indiscernible from where I sit.

The meat is grilled till cooked through and yet still succulent. The bun is graced with a slab of butter and lightly toasted. The lettuce is fresh, still crispy, crunchy and glistening with water - not the usual McD's lettuce thats been hiding round the back of the freezer for weeks. The tomato is just as fresh, light in flavour, not soggy, firm to the bite - lending a bit of zest to the burger. An egg is thrown on the grill - the yolk cooked through but not burnt to the plastic consistency most fry eggs to. the condiments are thrown together and wallah...bliss in a mouthful. Its got close to no oil - nice and healthy - and it tastes fan-bloody-tastic. Add to the fact it only costs $7 - which is roughly what a kebab costs anyway and its great value for money. At least I know what meat I'm getting - doner is pretty dodgy sometimes.

But thats not the point of this post. The point is this.

Most people who know me wouldn't label me as predictable. Or even a creature of habit. Heck, *I* wouldn't call myself a creature of habit. However, over the years I've noticed a certain trend. While the manner which by I live my life may be fairly dynamic and unpredictable. It tends to revolve around a very fixed schedule. Which would be food and sport. I get up - I exercise, I eat, go to uni, eat, train, eat, sleep. Anything beyond that is fairly diverse. But in general theres a structure I've worked around - all this is completely subconscious.

Why Chicken burger? Because most fridays, I finish training late. So I run down to the shop -they know me well now...I can even order by telephone in advance - and pick up my order for two chicken burgers. Now I do this every friday - the same order at roughly the same time. (About 11-ish) And its reached a point where the lady at the counter doesn't wait for my call anymore - the chickens on the grill before I ring.

And what makes it all the more scary is that - while I know I regularly make the same orders at my favoured food institutions, the rate of consumption is the same. Confused? Let me explain. When finished with my chicken burgers last friday, I looked for a bin to dispose of the rubbish. As it happened, I walked past a 7-11 and saw a bin just in front. This friday, i ordered two chicken burgers, ate them on my walk home, and i finished both, just as i stopped in front of the 7-11. And all this without having a conscious thought except, "Fuck this Burger is awesome."

To realllly break it down. This would mean that despite the differing weight content in the burger. The rate of consumption of the burger and the average speed at which I travelled was exactly the same as that when I walked on the same route a week ago. Which - while some of you may find unimportant - I find rather unusual to say the least.

It makes me wonder - am I a creature of extreme habit? Or do I fall into some strange sub-category? Or is it just some deja vu thing I don't know about...I hate being confused.

Retrospectively

2009-05-10T02:11:00.002+08:00

I'm just terrible at this sort of thing. I'm not really eloquent when it comes to things like that. Its just not me. I'd like it to be though.

I wish I could be a little less embarrassed, a little more assured.

A little less worried, less tongue-tied.

More confident, more to-the-point.

Les confused, more trusting.

I wish sometimes I could take back the things I've said, or the things I've done. I'm brash and belligerent at times. And at times I just think I'm not good enough - but hey - thats part of life.

At junctures in your life like these - when it matters - you wish sometimes the words that usually slide of the tongue smoothly and the sentences which draw pictures and paint stories for those around you would work. But it doesn't. The ink runs dry and you're lost for words. Why? The things you take for granted are sometimes that which you miss the most. This is truth.

Mortality

2009-04-02T23:27:00.003+08:00

Its funny how the subject of death once again brings me to write. Perhaps it is my muse? I certainly hope not...

Today I was reminded again how fragile human life is. I was watching the indoor league before my class at 1 - as is my wont. One of the teams consisted of faculty staff and as faculty staff tend to be - slightly older.

Couple minutes into the kick around, one of the lads no older than 35 (judging from appearance) collapsed. He just keeled over and passed out. His teammates tried to revive him but to no avail. An ambulance was hailed immediately and the paramedics rushed to the scene, trying their best to resuscitate the man. CPR didn't work - so out came the defibrillator. That didn't work either. His teammates were distraught. One with a ponytail kept walking about tears streaming down his face with an expression of utter and absolute shock on his face.

In boxing they say its the punches you don't see coming that hurt you the most. I guess its the same with life - when the unexpected occurs thats when its the most painful. I very nearly broke down in tears. I fought back the fiery heat I could feel welling behind my eyeballs and forced myself to walk away. How does life just end so? As I walked to my class I thought - life really is a fleeting moment. A short and succinct dream that can end in the blink of an eye. It could end tomorrow, today, now even! And I say to myself as I walk down the gravel path - life is for living - to the fullest, to the most. I could keel over and die tomorrow - but if I do, I sure as hell wanna put up a good show before I go.

“Every day has been so short, every hour so fleeting, every minute so filled with the life I love that time for me has fled on too swift a wing.” - Aga Khan III

Final Reflections

2009-02-04T04:16:00.009+08:00

Its funny what you learn about yourself and loved ones when you're on the brink of death. Last Friday I drove off the road in my haste to get home. Taking a corner at 80ish after the rain is never a good idea - kids, don't try this at home. Skidding...hitting a lampost...a car then smashing a wall and landing in a ditch isn't the best option either. Cracking the windshield - with my head - wasn't too clever as well (courtesy of my non-seatbelt wearing self). The damage?

Car: Written off.
Person:Internal bleeding around the chest, head and scrapes to the knees and head. Swelling on contact area with windshield.

None of that compares though to my fathers expression when he saw my face. I've never thought it was possible for a person to be simultaneously so angry and yet so scared at the same time. As Al put it, "Dei...I think on top your fathers head I can cook one roti canai, one thosai and come la! The fire all coming out!"

When he saw me, the first thing he said was, "Idiot". But as they say, 50% of communication is non-verbal, 30% tone and the rest is vocabulary. Nothing conveyed his concern more than his brief, yet firm grasp on my head to check I was still alive, and the brusque yet quivering voice.

They say your life flashes before your eyes. Its true. Sometimes you also make a silly face just before shit hits the fan. (Or in my case head hit the windscreen). The funny thing is prophecies tend to be self fulfilling. Just the afternoon mum said, "Julian! If you die tonight I have no regrets because I know I tried my best with you!" Not wanting to leave the last word my follow up of, "If *I* die tonight I won't have any either because I did my best too!" Mums lung-crushing bear hug and nerve-wracking sobs were enough to make me sick to my stomach of myself.

Sometimes your best just isn't enough. Sometimes you just have to try harder. You never know when its gonna end. Because life is short. And the only certainty in life is that there is no such thing as certainty. I could die tommorow, today...now even. But what will be said about me when I'm gone? I don't know. But as the gang says, "Who cares about the weather! As long as we're together!" I told Aaron, "Dude, if I'd have died...you'd better have cried alot. And said plenty of nice things. Euphemisms acceptable."

One week after the anniversary of their eldest child's passing their - now eldest - child decides to go play michael schumacher. The folly of youth. As a child I always wondered, why dad worked so hard, drank so much and came back home quietly distressed. It was only that night I discovered it took him the better part of a decade to get over Jason's passing. Uncle Max told me that almost everynight after drinking himself into a blind stupor dad used to drive to the cemetary and sit there quietly. He no longer does it. But...I would never want to see my father reduced to that state because of me. His largest regret in life is that he never gave ahma a hug the day she passed on. He hugs me before bed everynight. Sneaks into my room to check on me at 5 in the morning (even at 22). Yet grunts brusquely when I chirp a g'morning his way. Funny old man.

We looked at old photos couple of days after my incident. Dad smiles with some melancholy everytime we pass jason and ruffles my hair as to assure himself I'm flesh and blood - alive and escaping an untimely demise. We horse around and I let him win a wrestle (its an ego thing). We watch the Australian open final. I scoff at ManU and Federers gut. He laughs at my fifth placed gooners and calls Nadal a construction worker. Someone out there saved me that night. Jason? Maybe...who knows. I'm thankful. Keep us safe brother.

Striking Eyes

2008-12-26T03:56:00.004+08:00

Today I realised just how far off the dream I have fallen. How jaded I am. How cynical I have become. How stupid. How lost. Yet, in some corner of my mind, perhaps the dream was never to be. I don't even know anymore. I've spent too long thinking and to be honest I think its about time I started doing.

"You can still do what you love and live the lifestyle you want what." and "Lifeless". Two comments which cut deep to the core. My heart hasn't stopped so many times in one afternoon since I was 14. Did what she say make sense? Yes. Do I agree? Yes. Do I think she's right? Yes...and no. Why? Its almost inexplicable...except for the fact that I believe in myself and that the way I go about my work is right. Compartmentalization seems to be the way to be successful.

I asked myself today. Do I love finance? The answer is a resounding yes. So while you may not ever read this, I thank you. Your questions answered many things for me today. I love what I do...and thats why I do it. The money is certainly a large part. But I certainly wouldn't do it if I had no interest whatsoever...unless the pay is extremely attractive (But thats another story for another day).

Today has shown me that sometimes I need a good shock to the system. A kick in the teeth. It didn't hurt that she was fiery enough to stand up to me. It didn't hurt that she had striking eyes and a brilliant smile. And it certainly didn't hurt that her words have been the rudest Christmas present in all my life...yet somehow the most valuable and probably will be the most memorable.

Merry Christmas

Tail end

2008-11-06T17:54:00.003+08:00

Its the tail end of the year. In fact its pretty much over....time has flown by. I've picked up new skills and many things have happened. I've never been a fan of politicians...just the politics. And one can't help but be caught up when the people have spoken all over the world. At home Barisan Nasional only won by a simple majority. Their smallest win since inception. And of course theres the recent Obama craze. I'm a capitalist at heart...so i guess his left wing ideologies have yet to convince the skeptic in me. Then again politics nowadays are rarely extreme left or right-wing...so I'm inclined to say that while I'm all for the capitalist laissez-faire economy, I do believe that a number of individuals controlling a large proportion of the worlds wealth is just not conducive, let alone practical. Warren Buffet believes that too...as evidenced by his redistribution of wealth to the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation. (with stipulation of course - but enough with my Mr. Buffett fanboy-ism)

I worked as a labourer for a little while this year. Sure its nothing like working in a bank or behind a desk. But its backbreaking stuff...and you get scolded and shouted at and treated like a grunt in general. Because thats what you are. The funny thing is...it ain't that bad. There are hardly any pretenses out in the sun. Everyone relies on everyone else. The foreman does his job...and everyone else bands together. Working class unionism somewhat appeals to me. So I can see where political liberals get their creeds from. But some part of me just wants to make it to the top of some super rich bank and fly from country to country. How do you choose? Can I do both? Can I work for some super rich bank...but yet not have to play all the office politics? Why is it when everyone works physically together you have each others back and look out for one another?

But when you set foot in the office there is so much competition....Is the rat race really that important? Simple economics, in a Nash equilibrium if everyone does whats best for everybody then everyone wins. Its just that simple. But then of course Mr.Nash doesn't account for human nature that automatically assumes everyones out for themselves. And despite my best efforts to remove all skepticism and cynicism from my life - that is unfortunately a truism that is most difficult to disprove. Everyone looks out for themselves in the corporate world.

Being part of the bourgeois is one thing. But nobody wants to be the "urban" either. We need both social classes to effectively survive...but everyone wants to move up in the world. And the only way you get there whether in todays world or that of a couple hundred years ago - is by climbing over some people on the way to the top. You can't please everyone. This is where having a conscience can be a slight hindrance.

So the question to ask is do you actually try to please everyone else? (Or rather try not to offend everyone.) Or...do you steamroll your way to the heights of your personal ambition? Liberal or Conservative? Poor Mr. Nice Guy, or the Rich Asshole?

It crops up from time to time, this little conundrum. I've decided though that you can't let yourself be walked all over. There is such a thing as balance. But all the great people of the world never were very balanced. Sporting, Political or Academic Greats. Everyone of them was unbalanced in some way. A CEO never has a balanced lifestyle. They overwork at some point...and then overplay at another. An elite athlete throws himself into his sport wholeheartedly and sacrifices everything else. Top academic immerse themselves in their chose fields. But each and everyone of them were successful. I guess its because they each believed in what they were throwing themselves into.

Maybe its just me...but I'm inclined to agree with the greats. I don't want to be another name. I don't want to be the guy everyone knew as the "nice guy". The one everyone has something nice to say about. Not everyone in your life will matter to you. And I suppose after much consideration I've realized I only need to care about those who care about me. Those whom I hold dear to my heart and actually have sway over how I may act...those whose opinions actually matter to me. When I die, I want *them* to say that I was a nice guy. And I suppose everyone else will say "damn he was an asshole"...but then....if they conceded I was good at what I was doing...I'll settle for begrudging respect I guess.

This has got nothing to do with being arrogant or an idiot...or a dickhead or whatever. I'm not out saying I don't give a shit about anyone else. I'm just saying, at some point everyone has to make a decision what kind of person they want to be. I've thought about it, and I'm leaning towards that line of thought anyway. I'm not saying go out of your way to be a dickhead, or be cocky, or too arrogant. I don't believe in any of that. So put away the knifes and guns.

Its just everyone needs to have a plan. or at least I know I need one. Something to work towards. And I guess the prevailing idea here is to work towards being great...and if I can do it without hurting too many people in the process. I wouldn't have too many regrets I guess.

Vote for Change

2008-10-30T12:22:00.003+08:00

Vote for change. That seems to be the resounding idea bouncing off the walls. Cries of Barack Obama ring through the rafters...but is there any substance behind such zealous backing? Don't get me wrong...I like Obama and his policies...but by and large I remain apathetic towards the results of the election. Admittedly I shouldn't be, considering the socio-economic impact America and its leader has towards the rest of the world.

What I do know (and that isn't very much) is that if McCain keels over and dies, the world will be staring down the barrel of "President Palin". And that in itself is a very scary thought. Not so much because she seems to be a McCain's attempt to sway Hillary voters, but rather because this is a lady who until 2006 did not have a passport, and until 2007 had never traveled outside of the United States. Does anyone really want someone so parochial and insular as the vice-leader (or God forbid *the* leader) of the most powerful nation in the world? A husband that works for Big Oil which - pardon my cynicism - but will probably hold some sway in the decision making process as to the future of commodities, and the preservation of our planet - which in case none of you have noticed is dying.

No, I am not a greenie/tree-hugging fanatic. I'm just one of the many individuals perplexed as to how anyone can hope for Senator McCain to set foot in the Oval Office, when his running mate is the same lady who, upon her first term as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, fired the police chief and city librarian because she felt they did not support her efforts to govern the city. The case being brought to court, was thrown out because the judge presiding determined that Ms.Palin had, as mayor, the right to fire anyone for reasons political - or even no reason at all.

Such dictatorial rule somewhat flies in the face of democracy don't you think? Particularly in a country that prides itself on being the land of the free and the brave. This is the same lady backed by the National Rifle Association, that backed a bill allowing concealed firearms and styles herself as a "Moose Hunting Hockey Mom". Sorry darling, I'm not quite sure there are moose in D.C...maybe you could take some time off doing the important things like say - running the largest economy in the world to go gun down a moose...it'd look so fetching on the wall above the fireplace.

Does anybody think that a lady packing firearms, is sending a marginally wrong message to citizens in a country where gun related crime is the 8th highest in the world per capita? Does anyone actually want their child growing up saying "but Vice-President Palin shoots animals".

So she seems to be honest and aboveboard, having broken ranks a number of times when she felt the Republicans weren't doing their job honestly. Thats great. Admirable. Amazing. Shows a firm sense of conviction in her beliefs. Which can be a bad things as well, considering her propensity to back oil and natural gas mining industries despite the very real need for the world do discover an alternative, or at the very least reduce consumption.

Obama has made some mistakes in the past. Or maybe he's just better at hiding them. But the truth is, that no one man can truly run America. His ideas, his thoughts, they're all there for implementation by a team. Everyone needs a good team to run a country. Its not a soccer team where you worry about 15-25 individuals...and even then managers have a tough time. Its about a country of billions of people. And in this case, the impact on the world.

Does anyone really want a pitbull in a power suit to be the 2nd most powerful person in the world? Its just unbelievable! She epitomizes the classic provincial capitalist white anglo-saxon. It's as if the republicans took her out of a poster book to sway rich-white old America voters. Its a concerted attempt at manipulating the human psyche - and she just seems to be a great fall back plan - nothing too radical...just same 'ol stupidity

Courage

2008-10-27T13:58:00.005+08:00

What is courage? I ask myself that question constantly. Do I have courage?

I suppose different people have different definitions for the loosely worded term. Personally I feel courage is when you have the guts to be true to yourself always. I'm not talking being stubborn and standing up for your beliefs without an inch of compromise. I'm saying the courage to believe in yourself. The courage to have faith in yourself and to not shortchange yourself.

Everyone is capable of great things. I suppose its whether you want to or not. I have this fear. This constant fear that I'm not living up to my own potential. So to mitigate this fear, I just don't allow myself to fail by not even giving myself the chance to. I don't do things I think I can, or take a risk on something I should because I'm afraid to fail. As a kid I played this one game where you tie a balloon on your leg and run around trying to burst other kids balloons. I hid in a corner and ran away. I didn't lose...but I didn't win either. I was just...the kid that didn't do anything. Even now, I do what I have to...but nothing more...because I don't want to let myself...or anybody else down.

Lately though, through various events I've realised theres no running from your destiny. Being afraid to fail doesn't mean you have an excuse to not live up to everything you can be. Acting like you don't care to reduce the hurt of failing doesn't mean you didn't fail. Life is a cruel, painful place. And the champions are rarely the smartest, most beautiful of people...but rather the failures who have the guts to stand up when they are hit, the tenacity to keep going no matter how many times they are brought to their knees. The strength to believe in themselves and trust in what they know...doing their best without fear of failure. And in their own right they become great.

Many of us fear greatness - I know I do. Only because the higher you climb, the harder you fall. And because I fear the fall, I'd rather not make the climb. But is that life? Do I give myself excuses...or do I just pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other, doing my best, hoping that I make good someday. I pray its the latter...because I still have alot to learn. You do your best...God does the rest. And that, is our Deepest Fear.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
~Marianne Williamson~

Nature vs Nurture

2008-10-16T00:00:00.003+08:00

I read something interesting...which goes something along the lines of: Our nature defines us. Who we are by nature, defines what we do. However, through self-reflection and application of knowledge to "evolve" in a sense, redefines who we are. Thus, by changing our nature, we change how we essentially address any issue. A paradigm shift, if you will. But this is cyclical in nature, purely because what we do influences who we are. See what I'm getting at here? So while how we approach issues is defined by our intrinsic nature (i.e - analytical, impulsive, etc.etc), we essentially have a choice to define ourselves, because fundamentally what we do results in who we are - defining us - if you will.

I suppose its all mind over matter then. Do we say, "I'm just born this way?", or do we say, "I'm sick of being this way, I'd like a slice of that." My conclusion, is that attitude is everything. The earlier logical discourse breaks it down - we can become who we wish to be really. The human nature is a flexible thing. Not choosing, is also a choice. I guess thats why people read autobiographies of their heroes...to be just like them. And then hopefully emulate their success.

I gotta get that Warren Buffett book.

That Fine Line

2008-10-11T20:30:00.004+08:00

This is going to be abit of a rambling one. A mate and I were chatting about women -as men do- and I noticed something interesting. A possible source of confusion between men and women as to the current status of their relationships. (There may be some generalization here...so don't start whipping out ur pitchforks and flaming stakes if I say something wrong.)

So to the question...is there a difference between dating and relationships? Personally, when I "date" someone, its a non-exclusive sorta thing until I ask her if she would like to start going out with me exclusively. (In a very old fashioned way I'd say, "eh...wanna go steady arr" Lol!)

Here is where opinion might differ slightly. When I'm dating someone (before exclusivity), I have no qualms seeing other women...just to get to know them. Sure...some of you out there might say "thats hedging your bets", some might say, "you're an asshole", some might say, "its insincere". But is it honestly a problem? I would never place an expectation that I actively decided to engage in on another person. More so if we weren't even exclusive. I don't have a problem with a girl i'm interested in seeing other men. If she finds someone else, then alls well and good, because it means there was someone better out there for her, and better she find him before we get together than be trapped in something she might be unhappy in, or be tempted to betrayal.

Thats what seeing other people before going exclusive does. It lets you see the world, to know that there are other people out there and that when you make the choice, its the right one. You don't just jump into a relationship and then bail after a couple months because you made a "mistake" . You won't make the mistake if you take your time and make sure you're getting into a right sorta relationship. It also gives you time to learn more about each other. How he copes when you're seeing other men. Does he fly into a jealous rage? How she copes when you talk to other girls. Does the green eyed monster appear? Does she get all clingy? Does she give you the cold shoulder? Or does she accept it as part of life, but clearly state that she's not playing games? Does she laugh and say ur a flirt?

A human reaction to adversity is always the clearest indicator of personality. Will she react in an absurd way? Or will she rationally address the issue, talking with you about it, knowing that as neither of you are exclusive its a perfectly normal thing to do - date. Its important because it tells you whether she's able to communicate with you and address important issues when they matter.

As opposed to complain to her girlfriends about it and then listen to all the advice in the universe and get all confused. What I hate is when friends become a major part of the equation. A relationship is me and you...not me, you and all your girlfriends. I would never do my girl the discourtesy of airing my dirty laundry in public. And I think a healthy relationship is only cultivated if we talk about the problems to each other. Not you (yes...thats all you women) telling your friends how I'm a lazy bum, or am always late, or am dirty (these are generalized terms la...i'm not that bad...I hope.)

Tell me instead. Say...ok...if you keep being late, I'm not going to bother turning up when we have dates anymore. Or if you don't clean up, I'm going to kick you out of the house. Tell me its irritating you, and you need/want me to do something about it. Don't gimme all the, "You should know". Yes...I know I should...but if I've lapsed...or forgotten...I occasionally need a good kick up the backside (Most men do anyway - but correct me if I'm wrong). Women and men are different...and what is clean to me...may be messy to you...so let me know what I'm doing wrong darling, cuz I ain't psychic.

In short a guy that starts telling you, you can't see anyone else after the 3rd date is psycho, and vice versa. Some girls however like the attention. And some guys who aren't good at showing it the way she wants are just gonna lose out. So tell us. Yes, I know its unorthodox, but its the bloody 21st century. Asking whether you're in it for fun and games, or the long-haul means everyone wins. You get what you're looking for....all you gotta do is ask. And then once you've determined what the expectations are you can work it from there. Personally i find that alot easier than sitting around trying to guess what the hecks going through that pretty little head of hers.

Yes, yes...I know not all women are like that...and yes, I know not all men are. But I'm just saying...undue expectation at the wrong time is just silly because its unfair, and also irrational, (not to mention slightly psycho). But its just an opinion. *cringes waiting for backlash*

Homeless

2008-10-06T15:42:00.003+08:00

Couple of years ago, I stopped by Hyde park on Holy Thursday after mass at St. Mary's. I was young, impatient, angry and confused. Mass had calmed me down somewhat but there was something missing. Something hollow. As I sometimes do, I wandered about to clear my mind. I saw a bunch of homeless men playing chess by the benches. I'm not quite sure what it was that compelled me to walk over, but I did. They were disheveled, unkempt and ragged. Toothy grins and jaundiced. (Think Fagin from Oliver Twist). I sat down next to them and watched the chess game. I'll admit in some part of my mind I wondered if I'd get mugged, or beat up, or one of those morose scenarios.

They looked at me and kept playing.

The conversation was...surprising. It wasn't shallow drivel. Sometimes when you're with your friends you talk cock...and laugh and horse around. But it was deep conversation. There was religious dispute, "All religions are the same mate...they tell you to do good, regardless who you believe in." There was conspiracy theory, "Sonny Liston was big, like a bear! No way Ali could have knocked him out with one punch...the mafia was involved..." Politics, Human Interest, Finance, Economics anything...you name it. They were from all walks of life..Australian, German, Filipino. And they were bloody good at chess.

I tried my hand at a couple of games...I got outclassed of course, completely destroyed. But they wouldn't let me go till I won a game. Patiently they tutored me. Teaching me to think laterally...to see moves and steps ahead. I know its starting to sound like more idealistic drivel, but honestly right, these guys were brilliant! I was completely dumbfounded as to how they were homeless...I mean I know you're going to get good at chess if thats the only game you play all day, everyday, but they were well informed, surprisingly eloquent and managed to articulate their thoughts with clarity.

While I was struggling along against Ben (the Filipino dude - who was whupping me minus a rook and a bishop), The Australian bloke (I forget his name) got up and said, "Right...gotta head to the bottle-o (liquor shop)...won't be open tomorrow, public holiday." Quarter of an hour later he was back with wine in tow and steaming hot pizza...four slices. I was losing the next match against Chessmaster 2007 (the German guy - Fritz). When Ozzie bloke passed around the pizza. I looked at him with this puzzled expression, and he goes to me, "Eat up mate, its late, cold and you're never going to win if you don't have food in ya."

A homeless man was buying me dinner. I knew the guy for little more than 2 hours and he's bought me a slice of pizza without a second thought. He's clearly not the richest bloke on the block, I was decently dressed (Sunday best la...church marr), so he knew I wasn't homeless. But what takes me, is that they share what little they have amongst themselves and anyone they call friend.

I beat Ben a couple of games later, and they all laughed, gave me a pat on the back and went back to debating the current economic situation. I remember this clearly because Fritz commented on the commodities boom, the property bubble and how it would soon burst.

I sat there for close to 6 hours, till 12-ish...and time just flew by. There was interesting conversation, camaraderie, laughter among other things and acceptance. They always say don't judge a book by its cover, but sometimes you can't help but do so. That being said, one of my everlasting memories of Sydney will be the selflessness of that homeless man in offering me pizza. I took it. Now, now! Before you condemn me for mooching of a hobo, let me first say...every man has his pride. And even in the confines of a park, you want to be as hospitable as possible to your "guests".

How many people walk past them everyday throwing looks of disgust or pity their way? I guess sometimes you just want to be treated like a normal human. Without being patronizing, or condescending. As equals. Not all of them are there by choice. Extenuating circumstances and other factors contribute sometimes. And maybe I had the opportunity to meet the few who're exceptional. I still stop by sometimes, on my way to church and after. Or when I'm walking past Hyde park. I still get trounced at chess. But Ben's gone....noone knows where he is...and I hope he is fine wherever he is. Thank you for showing me that friendship is sometimes forged in even the most peculiar circumstance. And thank you for teaching me not to judge. May God keep you safe in his hands always.

Fix you

2008-10-06T02:15:00.006+08:00

Age...Is it just a number? Or does it really have a bearing on how we see the world? Without a doubt, there is no substitute for experience. I’ve now been away from home for 5 years. That’s a long, long time - yet a heartbeat. I’ve learnt that there are certain things which are always better left unsaid and council kept to oneself is always the best kind. Dealing in absolutes is never a wise idea and writing off options is limiting your potential.

At 18 I refused to be drawn into the commercial aspect of the world. I believed all corporate were sellouts and “suits” were mercenary cutthroats. I revelled in literature, music and all sorts of artsy things. I wanted to be a journalist...and/or a musician. I dressed in t-shirts and torn jeans, jazzed away in bars and thought that a large salary was as irrelevant as a penthouse suite in the centre of the city (a hut by the sea being my preferred choice). My diet was quantity over quality (A kilo of rice over foie gras). I was looking for the perfect girl and wouldn’t stop till I found her...as a consequence I placed women on a pedestal – I couldn’t bring myself to say two words to a girl, let alone one I liked – and when I did, I just blurted things out non-stop at the speed of light without thinking...being nervous does that to a man.

At 21, I’m raring to head into the workforce. I’ve discovered the necessity of money and its undeniable allure. I enjoy dressing in ralph lauren and its preppy derivatives. I love the city and scrimp and save for one night at a fine dining establishment. I enjoy the company of woman without expectation for they are nothing more, just women...not goddesses. (There’s something refreshing about going out with a woman without wanting anything more save a good time) I wish I had an apartment in the middle of the city and staying in the country for anything longer than a week drives me insane. I crave the everyday workings of the stock market and the rush you get from brokering a great deal.

Three years. That’s all it’s been. Does that mean I’m not me any longer? I don’t think so. I can still rock out a jazzy number (I hope), I’m still looking for the perfect girl (although not so hard). I still crack lame jokes. I still eat an insane amount of food (1/2 a kilo of pasta for dinner). I like my grungy jeans. I still hope to stay in a hut by the sea...but only when I’m old and wrinkly and on holiday. I still love writing and find solace in it.

The only difference is I’ve added the tempered steel of realism to the silk of idealism. I still think many “suits” are corporate sell-outs, but money is necessary...financial stability is crucial and I loved nothing more than seeing my bank account increase in size (but then again...who doesn’t?). Being anti-establishment for the sake of it is pointless. The way you look doesn’t dictate who you are and the principles you stand for don’t have to be adhered to by everyone else. There is always another way.

Change is inevitable. Fighting it a refusal to accept that no one is perfect. Noone. I’m not sure if anybody can get up and say with certainty they would like to stay the way they are for the rest of their lives. Anyone who can has my utmost respect. But I know that change has to be conscious and for good. Sitting around saying “that’s just me” is one way of addressing the issue, it’s just probably not the most effective way.

Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” “Don’t mind” however brings with it the connotation of tolerance. You tolerate your friends and your family...that’s what you do. It takes a true friend to tell you that you have a problem, and yet stay by your side. Whether you then choose to address the issue is completely personal...but to be honest if your best mate can tell you something’s wrong, something is probably not quite right. I’ve learnt that fixing a personality quirk or a character flaw is not selling-out, but more like getting an upgrade. Progress is always admirable...and it takes great courage to admit ones mistakes and strive to improve oneself.

I strive to fix my punctuality. There is no fashionably late – you’re either late or you aren’t.

My argumentative, opinionated nature. An opinion is just that – not everyone has to agree with you.

My desire to constantly have the last word. Something’s are better left unsaid for the greater good – A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

Change can only come from within, and I refuse to change unless I see a reason for it. But if there is a legitimate cause and its for the betterment of myself. Why not? Nobody’s perfect. And a leopard can change its spots.

Mid Life Crisis

2008-08-12T13:28:00.003+08:00

You know how they say mid-life crisis creeps up on you and you don't even know it? For some reason I have this feeling my dad's trying to relive his childhood. Embracing the hardships of the poor it seems. *Shakes head* LoL!

Open Apology...a lil long, but do read

2008-07-31T23:42:00.018+08:00

This isn't easy...but here we go. I'm not the greatest bloke in the world. Far from it...I'm about as flawed as they come. Most people know me as a noisy, slightly (or very) cocky, brash, arrogant individual. I'm extreme, in everything I do, love, life, work, play...its all or nothing. Most of the time, depending on the situation and crowd I meet people in, certain people see very different facets of my personality. I believe every person has a role to play. Every group needs a certain type of character. It just happens to be that most of the time, I'm happy to bring out my gregarious personality and make some noise. I'm sure we could all sit there quietly drinking teh 'o ais limau but somehow I feel people are slightly more comfortable and bond better over a slight bit of rowdiness. I don't mind being the one having to generate that noise, because I know how to. I don't have to...but why not...someone's gotta break the ice.

I'm well aware I have rubbed many people up the wrong way in the past. Thats probably due to a propensity to speak before I think it through, or without regard for the consequence. Back when I was younger, I was much much worse. Nowadays, I only kick up a ruckus with my close friends...because thats who they know me as...and thats who I'm happy to play around them. And they're fine with that. So once in awhile, crazy me gets to come out and play. Through time I've learnt that not every party needs to be livened up and that not everyone wants a rowdy time...probably because I've mellowed down alot (on the inside).

The reason I am writing this, is because there will be some, even among my close friends who I have unwittingly (on occasion) offended because of this propensity of mine...know that if you are my friend, you are my friend for life. I make no exceptions...and I will fight tooth and nail for you if you ever need me to.

Theres this overused cliche Marilyn Monroe quote that goes, "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Which I believe is very very true. Which is why I act how I do, because I feel if you put your best foot forward, sometimes people seek to take advantage of you and can be insincere. Sure...thats a cynical way of thinking, but its a route that I believe will find you some true friends. Can you imagine...you have friends...and then one day, when you're faced with trouble (and nothing brings the worst out in you that a sticky situation) they see the other facet of your personality which they can't stand...and everyone decides to bail. Being alone...especially when you need your friends the most is a very very painful thing.

If the people I hang out with, can see past the brash, oft arrogant exterior and accept the negative facets of my personality, then I will do everything I can for them, because they were willing to stick through me at my worst. That way, when you have to fall back on someone, you know at least that you can rely on those friends, for they are true. Because true friends, while they may judge or disagree, accept your flaws...aren't afraid to tell you they exist...and yet are willing to wait while you fix them as you see fit.

My ex-girlfriend and a couple of other girls I've dated in the past (even my family), have always asked me...why am I one person around them...and yet another around others. No, I'm not schizophrenic...I'm just a very very private person and I choose who I want to share my real self (and life) with. Personally, in life you can't always be nice. If you're too nice, people walk all over you. The world is a cruel, material world and everyone looks out for themselves, whether they care to admit it or not. And if you will, keeping people at bay while you learn about them, is very selfish. Yes...true. But if you pick and choose your friends carefully, you will never be taken advantage of, and it saves you the heartache and betrayal. Nothing hurts more than a friend who has betrayed your trust. I'm happy to be taken advantage of by the woman I love (or want to love) - in fact thats the whole point ;) - so I consciously let my guard down. Some people have an aloof, silent guard. I have a cocky, brash, arrogant guard. All in all I feel the latter is harder to get along with, so thats why I use it. I may have chased away some people in the past...which I may have regretted. But its better in the long run. Only family loves you unconditionally hence no need for the guard.

My dad is exactly like I am...many dislike him. But those few he is friends with know he would walk on coals for them. I want to be like that, to have a tight knit group of friends...but yet, I see that I can't keep offending the world because its a small small place, and while I may not care too much what people think of me, it hurts those around me, and makes life difficult for them...noone wants to hear bad things said about the ones they love. I hate it when ppl talk shit about my old man...he doesn't care, but I do. When I die, I wish for my close friends and family to be there...knowing I loved them. And I suppose I'd rather that people said "He was a great guy" than "He was an asshole" and having my friends defend me or not.

Therefore, to those I have offended over the years. I'm sorry. Its a choice I chose to make, and one I'm comfortable with. Not everyone can deal with the brash persona. It may have been unintentional, it may have been a subconscious effort to see who would stick around. In any case, I've lost some friends I would have liked to keep...and I see that sometimes, my solution isn't always the right one. I'm too proud for my own good. I'm still trying to find a balance. But better late than never, and I'm young enough to mend some bridges. And I hope you find it somewhere within you to forgive me...if you don't...well...I can't do much. But I truly apologize. While many of you may not read this, I hope to mend some burnt bridges, and for those who do truly care for me...to know me better.

Yours truly,
Julian Lam

Eight

2008-07-24T03:04:00.002+08:00

For some reason, eight seems to have some sort of special value in the world around us (particularly to us asian people) That and if you ask me theres something aesthetically pleasing about the number 8 la...At any rate, heres something interesting to do...Helps you learn more about urself i guess.

8 Things I'm Passionate About

Most sports with a bias towards Football, Rugby, Athletics and Boxing.
Music in general once again with a large bias towards acoustics and jazz. And I love live sets...seeing a skilled musician at work is pretty amazing
Culture. Learning about other people and their beliefs, history and traditions is something I enjoy greatly.
Travel - I love traveling...suppose that goes hand in hand with culture. Europe, Asia, The Americas. I'll conquer them all sometime soon.
Reading - Nothing like a good book to calm you down and kill time in general. Cheaper than a sleeping pill as well.
Food! Now heres one I *love*. Searching for good food. Cooking good food. And eating good food. I am a massive foodie...bribe me with a bowl of great pasta or noodles or something spectacular and I'll do your bidding. God I can be such a whore sometimes. Except for food - not money
Money. Earning it. Saving it. Spending it. Whether it be stretching my last dollar...getting the most value out of my dollar or finding new ways to make money. Nothing pleases me more than a great deal out of money.
Movies. I love a great movie. Whether at the cinema's or just at home with a DVD...I'm a sucker for a good movie...no biasness here...I'll watch anything as long as its good. (Some chickflicks exempted though) And the company helps.

8 Things I Say Too Often

fuck, bastard, etc etc(I know, I know - trying to quit la)
Standard
very goooosssssssss
very out la
dei
sooo jatuh
whats that? (not blurr...curious. =p)

8 Books I've Read Recently

7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey
How to Win Friends and Influence people - Dale Carnegie (under my grandfathers instruction)
50 speeches that changed the world - compiled by Simon Montefiore
Salimar the Clown - Salman Rushdie
Blessed: The Autobiography of George Best - George Best
Shibumi - Trevanian
Go Rin No Sho (the Book of five Rings) - Miyamoto Musashi
Soul Mountain - Gao Xingjian

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over Again

John Mayer - Free Falling
John Legend - Save Room
John Legend - PDA
Anything by Oscar Peterson, Miles Davis...actually anything jazz
Michael Buble - Everything
Foo Fighters - DOA
Its too hard to think of 8...I've got this really addictive personality - once I like something I can listen to it all day long for weeks on end without feeling sick of it. (Until I do la..then I won't listen to it for a loonggg time)

8 Things I've Learnt in the Past Year

Despite your best plans, things don't always work out the way you want them to.
Despite that, you should still keep planning and never give up because commitment is fulfillment (at least in certain aspects la) Living a completely open ended life is slightly too directionless. Fill your days with things to do and a rich, fulfilling life will follow suit.
People act differently in private and in public...so its never right to judge based on first appearances (particularly if its a negative one). Get to know the person - you might find a pleasant friend. Plus its better to have one more friend than one more enemy
Time is of the essence.
You can't win all the time. Its sometimes better to let things you can accept slide.
Argue and speak less. Listen more. You'll be surprised at what you learn.
Consistent effort and sacrifice with a splash of devil may care recklessness is the best balanced approach to anything.
Thinking about things before deciding on a course of action. And never do anything in anger.

Memories

2008-07-21T03:43:00.006+08:00

Sometimes we're wracked with memories. I know I constantly am. From fond ones to ones I loathe. And somehow they illicit really strong emotions in me, ranging from euphoria to loathing, but always with a strong sense of nostalgia. One thing which pops up (but no longer) is regret. Is regret worth it? Is thinking about the past and regretting about to change anything? I used to be consumed by my regret. Consumed by things which were no longer under my control...and once I learnt to let go...life became much more bearable.

Once upon a time...when I was a much younger more naive boy, que sera sera was my watchword. But no longer. While whatever will be, will be...I'm convinced that it will be me who determines how my life pans out. And commitment brings fulfillment. Not that I'm much for settling down, lol, but being committed to my goals...and dreams and hopes and having a plan while working towards it I've discovered is so satisfying. Personally, its finding that elusive balance of living in the now while working towards my ambitions which is so important. A boy with direction and ambition is a boy no longer, but a true man in every sense.

Which finally brings me to...relationships. Do I believe in them? Of course I do. Now ladies, (if any of you still read this abandoned journal) I ask myself constantly...is there a *rational* reason anyone actually jumps into a relationship at all? If anyone has an answer fire away, because I can't justify it to myself in any logical way. Having jumped headfirst into various forms of relationships over the last 2 years, from dating to friendship with benefits, to an actual relationship, to casuals...I can safely say...at this age (20-ish) and time...noone knows what they actually want. While you can plan ur life out, human relationships have infinitely more permutations and are so much more complex...sometimes you just can't explain things and have to go with the flow to see how things work out. Girls have this amazingly annoying habit of mapping out *exactly* what they want in a guy. And then halfway through a decent relationship with a bloke decides that because he doesn't fulfill as many criterion as needed it won't work. (nono...not being bitter/cynical stop reading so much into that sentence)

Its just my opinion, but thats not the way a relationship works. Its built on respect, a deep-lying friendship and care for one another. Let me say first and foremost, that there is no such thing as true love without friendship, and no such thing as friendship without love. You can't befriend someone who you don't love as a friend. Love comes in many different shapes and on so many varying levels. However, you cannot possibly hope to have a functional relationship with someone you don't see as a friend. I always feel its always more logical to be friends before anything else...because once you say the magic words "I like/love you" everyone automatically places alot more expectation on the each other, becomes less tolerant and more edgy. Not everyone can be laid back and a steady balanced entry is alot more enviable than a whirlwind. (not asking you to be boring as batshit though, dont get me wrong.)

So very often you hear comments from guys like, "If u *really* like a girl, don't take a wrong turn into the 'friend zone' *dum dum dummmmmm*". In my personal opinion, thats bullshit...friends can always get hitched, and only the most idealistic situations are those where the chemistry is of such a level that you naturally like the person alot and sorta bypass the whole friend stage. There are two ways this can work out (in my opinion la...don't start crucifying me all if i'm wrong...=p)

Its said that if you go into a relationship, be prepared to never be "just friends" ever again with the girl. On some levels thats true...If 2 ppl with amazing chemistry (friends or otherwise) sorta plunge right in...and can't stand the others idiosyncracies, then hailat.com.my la...nothing much to talk about...u actually won't ever be "just friends". Breaking up is hard to do (trust me I know) But I'm of the opinion that if you're both mature about the breakup, there isn't really a reason why a basic friendship can't continue. (not that it always happens though)

I'm both happy yet sad to say I've experienced some form of love. Will I ever again? Couldn't tell you...but what I can say with certainty is that love actually is everything that its cut out to be. Its actually worth fighting for, being brave for. Its a huge risk, but its worth risking everything for. Because there is *nothing* better than looking into someones eyes...and not fearing...not worrying. Knowing that there is something special about this person to you. For me, it was about wanting to better myself to grow with her. Because she was always on the move in every aspect...and growing together is the only way forward. Its scary...it wasn't one of those whirlwind infatuations where you stupidly do something for her and regret it later. It was cold logical rational...knowing without a sliver of doubt that because I cared for her so much I would've walked through fire. Emotions that powerful scare me. And yet...at the same time are so fulfilling I'm not sure whether I'd do it again...only time will tell.

Theres no point going out and test driving every "model" you think will be a good option. Pick your relationships carefully. First get to know the person well...and if you accept their faults, inadequacies and idiosyncracies...go for it.

You can't expect ur better half to be perfect. There are things that if you can accept, you should...because inevitably you will fight through the rest and accepting certain things just makes it a smoother ride. If forever doesn't happen... have a good cry, move on and cherish the memories, because they are the most beautiful possessions one can take away from any relationship. And if forever DOES (somehow) happen...then cherish it like ur most treasured possession. Because forever hardly happens. And when it does, grasp it with both hands, tightly, and never let go...

"Find someone to love...and when you do, live everyday as though it were your last."-Alfie

In Vino Veritas

2008-07-13T03:12:00.003+08:00

In wine, the truth. Drunk, people tend to be more honest about everything, their emotions, their thoughts. Inhibitions are loosened and the more relaxed side is brought to the fore. Unfortunately sometimes rash decisions are made which one may regret at some point. Life is complicated huh?

I've always wanted to come back to KL once I was done studying. But with all this politicking going on...I'm not quite so sure its the right thing to do...Home is still home...and I love it dearly. But without a doubt there is trouble brewing, and as the seeds of political unrest begin to flower, the socio-economic impacts it has is undeniable and may make life untenable. I suppose all one can do is wait with patience...and hope.

I read quite an interesting piece just today on saving. Economically, the theory is borrow when times are bad, and save when times are good. Countries like Australia and the UK are pretty much run on debt - hence the credit crunch which is causing a world of pain for everyone. Which brings me to my point. Credit borrowing of any kind is always detrimental in my opinion. It leads us to extend ourselves beyond what we are capable of. Hedonic adaptation is something which we youth succumb to more often than we should. The idea that consuming more makes us happy is a short term view which - while temporarily satisfactory - is financial foolishness. But sometimes I ask myself...what happens if I save as much money as I can, but the rising cost of inflation reduces the value of my money? Would I then have gotten less out of it than I should have? Should I then spend as opposed to save? Upon further reflection, my conclusion is that it totally depends on what we spend on. Hence prudent investment in stable stocks, in line with a good reading of the direction of the market and the patterns its taking is worthwhile spending for. That snazzy car or flashy shirt will wait. Market opportunities are few and far between.
And considering there are many companies which are currently undervalued it seems to me as good an opportunity as any to enter the market. So get saving.

A movement in time

2008-06-28T01:08:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why time either flies by...or crawls along. Theres no in-between. You either have wayyyy too much time on your hands...or you just don't have any time at all. Its quite an unusual occurrence, but not rare. Everyone at some point either finds themselves swamped down and scrambling for time, or struggling to watch the minutes tick by.

The solution? I'm not quite sure...My conclusion is that its all about the proper organization of time I suppose. One could properly pace oneself in everyday doings, so that every single minute is used to the fullest. Today I got up, and I wanted to laze about. But I went for a run instead. Which led me to realize that sometimes, even when the chips are down, you just have to go out and do something about it. Make it work for you. Leading a more fulfilled life means doing what you want to, when you have the time, instead of procrastinating, or saying you're tired or that you can't be bothered. Nothing lasts forever...and noone knows what tomorrow brings.

Over the last year or so I've had a long hard look at myself and the things I want. And I want more. And I'm glad to say I'm getting there...and I won't stop because I will always raise the bar time and time again. And jump...and keep jumping because nobody is perfect, but I can damn well try my very best. I'll struggle along, but failure is never final, success never ending. If I work harder and longer and make more sacrifices than everyone else, I'll achieve what I want. And that to me is the most important thing on the planet. Because finally after a long while I've come full circle and realised I want more...much much more. And I will not give up till I have it.

On This Day

2008-06-14T22:34:00.007+08:00

Dear Father,

William Shakespeare once said, "It is a wise father who knows his child". And noone knows me better than you. Noone knows the fears I have. What makes me tremble and keeps me awake at night. Noone knows my hopes and dreams - my insecurities...my strengths and weaknesses. Noone else on the planet looks at me and understands me as much as you do...or ever will. You watched me grow from child, to boy, to man. From my free smiling childhood to a more composed adult (I hope). And you more than any other has shaped my character.

As a young boy, I never realised how much love and effort you put into raising me. Those long hours labouring with me into the night so I would learn how to read. The rough treatment with the rotan so I would learn honesty, ethics and principle. The lectures to give me character. Those long morning walks to show me the world as you knew it. The foresight to teach me about the value of money. And the tenacity to do it all while labouring through the pain of a lost son. To take the risk on me, not knowing how I would turn out as a person...to invest time, money, sweat and tears into me is the ultimate sacrifice. To work yourself to the bone so for my future, in hope of a easier life for me...all without agenda, save your boundless love. I sometimes fail to understand how one man can give up so much...to labour away on a cause which one knows not the ending till decades later. But as is often said, any man can be a father...it takes a special one to be a dad.

I still marvel at your ability to constantly keep the troubles you suffered away from us at home. And there are always moments...when it seems as if nothing is well. But you always make everything right. You know just what to say...when to be charismatic, when to lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. You've led by example...showing me what a true man is, fierce, determined, focussed and ambitious. While not compromising on compassion, humility, humour and charm. While I may be a far way off from tying your shoelaces, I am slowly shaping myself with your best qualities.

Like the potter who moulds diligently, you have shaped me patiently (and sometimes impatiently) and hopefully you are proud of this work you have produced. You've spoilt me for choice...which at a time gone by, I've been unable to determine for myself. But having lived life in every manner possible, from altruism to hedonism. I have determined that I will be like you father. I have realised through your example, that there is no greater calling than to be a focussed, determined individual striving to achieve my goals whatever they may be. And to provide for those who require it of me, whenever they require it. Through your example I have realised the value of prioritizing beyond the superficial and that diligence in any facet of life is required to be successful. And with this clarity of thought, I see life as a greater purpose and strive to attack it with renewed vigour in the hope that one day I will see the fruits of my labour.

While I may not be the best son out there, I truly value the example you have shown me, to see that family is the most important facet of life. I am thankful for the hours you gave up on other worldly pursuits for a simple game of catching, "tiger tiger" and football with me. Everything is secondary to us dad. And for that single, all-encompassing act of selflessness, I am speechless. Nothing I could ever say would adequately describe what you have done for me. All I can do is work my hardest...achieve my dreams...and show you how much I care. As I trudge along the path well worn, I see you in front of me...clearing obstacles ever ready to lend a hand should I stumble...And the day will come when I walk beside you, my hand on yours should you stumble, there for you always as you are for me. With as much love as is humanly possible.

Your Loving Son,
Julian

~"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."~ Mark Twain

Barking Up The Wrong Tree

2008-05-14T00:22:00.001+08:00

Big Daddy.

2008-04-28T18:17:00.004+08:00

Its been a bloody long while. I've just been way too busy with a whole bunch of stuff. Yea yea...i know...busy for a year? A little far fetched...but it sounds alot better than saying I was just too lazy. At any rate, with the advent of turning 21, I magically became an individual bestowed with all the mature powers of an adult. That line of thought somehow magically leads to the whole idea about parenthood.

I’ve always wondered. What happens after I get married and have kids? Now, now ladies, don’t go picking up your skirts and running off...I’m not saying I want to get married *now*. In the future obviously, but I’ve got my prime years ahead of me. Plus, I’ve always been of the opinion that there’s no point in doing anything by halves...if you’re going to be dedicated to someone, it might as well be 120%. (Yes, I’m an extremist, but I find it works for me.) I mean, have your fun now; after all, young men are genetically programmed to disseminate their seed as far as possible. Have all the rolls in the hay while you’re single, but dedication is a very long and...dedicated thing. *shudder* (It’s pretty shudder inducing...all this talk about dedication...I haven’t summoned up enough courage to be dedicated to a doughnut let alone one woman.)

But, I digress...what happens when I grow old and have kids? No offence to all you mums and dads out there, but once you’ve got a kid, everyone automatically assumes you’re old. At least the kids do. And it’s pretty depressing once you realise that everyone is calling you, “Uncle” or “Aunty”. I mean...your friends are about your age, so they can’t exactly call you an ancient artefact or anything. But theres nothing more disheartening than someone running up to you and saying “Uncle...blablabla (cue cute baby voice asking lots of indecipherable questions)”. I mean...I may have a kid, but by gosh I’m not old. I mean...bloody hell...would it kill you to call me “kor kor” or “Mr.” Or something? I’m aware of the cultural differences and all that jazz...But honestly, “Uncle” just sounds depressing...makes me want to sit down with a hot cup of Chinese tea, while stroking my great white beard.

Thinking about how I’m about to deal with it is really a pain in the arse. I’ll admit it’s a little early to be thinking about these sort of things, but honestly...what do you do in situations like that? You could be childish and hang that kid from the nearest washing line, peg him up with washing pins or something. (it’s gonna be a boy...and if it was a girl u wouldn’t do anything anyway by virtue of the fact that she was cute) Young boys are grubby messes...nothing that a good line hanging won’t cure. Or I could break down in tears, realising that this boy of five who can’t see past my knee has noticed my receding hairline. Or I could just play the whole gruff card and growl menacingly at him. *Urrrrrr* (thats a growling noise by the way...see my hackles rise?) I mean...thinking about these kinda things just gives me a headache. What is appropriate behaviour when you’re a parent?

Just because I’m a dad doesn’t mean I have to give up all cool privileges do I? I mean...I still wanna kick back and enjoy a spot of football, or a drink or something. But then I’ve got to worry about what’s a good example and all that. It’s all just wayyyy too complicated for a simple soul like myself. In all honesty, I’d be a really weird dad I reckon. If I had a son...maybe it’d be easier...I’d know what to expect and all that. Sneaking out...girls...drinking...football. I mean, been there done that. But how the heck do I parent a daughter?! I mean...what if my daughter gets her first period and my wife isn’t around?! What do I do? What do I say?! I’d probably be running around like a headless chicken. I mean...can I give her one of my wifes tampons? How do I clean it up? Do I even *have* to clean it up? Am i even *allowed* to clean it up? (I mean...there’s gotta be some kind of law against going near your daughters hoo haa right?)

Sons would be so much easier. Eaten a frog? Haha! Idiot...It’ll come out sooner or later. Bruised yourself? You’ll get over it – the iodine’s in the cupboard to the left. Some kid bullied you? Go fight him...and then once you’ve beat him up then come home and we’ll laugh about it – make sure you give me a punch by punch commentary. If you lose, then I’ll go beat him up for you. (Unless his dad is bigger than I am la, in which case you’re on your own kiddo) Football? Don’t even get me started...I think my dream is to turn my son into some kinda uber athlete. While not being a complete idiot of course...education *is* fairly important. Or maybe I should leave that to my wife...I’m more prone to tell my son to leave the books and come out kick a ball around.

After some contemplation, I’ve realised that I want to be a cool dad. A friend, know what I mean? Laid back...kinda like Kiera Knightly’s dad in “Bend it like Beckham” (without the pot belly or the deranged wife) but also cool...kinda like Brad Pitt – yes, I know i sound like a complete Gaylord – but which kid wouldn’t think his dad was cool if he starred in a movie with spears and swords plus one where he shot up a whole bunch of people and got the yummy mummy at the end...although at this stage its probably still “I hate girls” – to which I sagely nod and say “Sure you do son...sure you do.” Yet with enough authority...I mean...I do want my kid to take me seriously right? Like when I say “drop and give me ten!” he’ll go do twenty.

Just thinking about it gives me a headache. Which has sort of made me reach some kind of epiphany...if thinking about it is this hard, imagine just doing it. Fuck...my parents must’ve gone through some hell. To all those reading this, what kind of parent would you want to be? I’d go into alot more detail, but that’d just be too long winded. (I mean...Keira’s dad *can’t* be my model going into parenting right?) It’s just that a good blog post should be like a skirt. Short enough to arouse interest, but yet long enough to cover all the essentials. And I think I’ve said too much. Cmon...you know you’re thinking about what parent you’d be. Spill the beans. I’m open to ideas. LoL! And to mum...dad...thanks for being great parents...wouldn't change you for the world.

A whole bunch of stuff...

2007-02-28T00:45:00.000+08:00

Right...since i'm back to my blooging ways, theres a whole bunch of stuff to be blogged about. First and foremost, 27th and 28th of Febuary, which hold significance not only as the last 2 days of the shortest month, but also because its my grandads and dads birthday respectively!

As such, i really should be writing something touching about the two graet influences in my life, but i'm really short on time...cuz i'm leaving back to sydney on thursday, and i've got things to do...ppl to meet...ahhh so much to do so little time...

Anyway, i'll be posting up just a few pictures of family genealogy to sort of show the lot that still read my blog (which will be a number following my shamelessly whoring my blog about my friends spaces), the many faces of my family.Hope ya'll enjoy. =) *click photos to enlarge*

grandpa: front and centre, dad: 2nd from left standing...From the picture its clear that i inherited my dumbo ears from this side of the family...

My aunts wedding.
Dads standing on the far left next to my grandma, Ok...those bellbottoms are realllllly pushing it.

ok grandad and grandma are still front and centre,
dad and mum are 1st and 2nd from the right.
and i'm sitting down, 2nd from the right...yes, the kid with the cocked head..

My grandma when she was younger...she looks pretty good actually...i miss her.

Ok...thats the granma i grew up knowing...and thats my little brother...

The tiny kid up front is my brother...the really dark kid in the backgroud is me...yesyes...i know...i look thai/malay/indo...anything but chinese...

Thats all i got time for at the moment...i'll leave with a picture of my grandad...and the woman who was married to him for 58 years...a constant in his life till of late...a picture of the days of yore...Happy birthday akong..the first one in awhile without ah ma...but heres a picture of her for you.

I'm Back...

2007-02-22T00:30:00.000+08:00

So the prodigal son returns...about time anyway, seeing as its been something around 4 months. Wouldn't want to lose my ever loyal readership now would I...=p Come to think of it, it is quite scary...its already 2 months into 2007 and it seems like a second ago i was in sydney...instead i'm getting ready to leave Malaysia and go back for 2nd year of uni...

Well...my previous post (4 months gone) was incredibly morbid...but such is life aye...so short...so sweet and yet when idiots (like myself) have all the opportunities around us...we let them float us by. To put things in perspective...life expectency is around 70-80 years. As such, if we live to maximum age...we've already lived one quarter of life...and thats *if* we live that long (mitigating circumstances aside).

Losing my grandma has made me realisethat life is short...and sometimes as humans its what drives us on from day to day...what spurs us on in all our endeavours...funny as it may sound, its actually fear of death...that life may end tommorow for many. Which is why sometimes living with reckless abandon is, i feel, the most fulfilling way of living life. The thing is...the only reason life is so sweet, is because its so short.

Hypothetically speaking, if you knew that the world was going to end in a month, you'd savour every moment wouldn't you? Do anything you ever wanted to do with narry a worry or care. The point i'm trying to make - in an extremely convoluted manner...please bear with me =p - is that even if the world doesn't end tommorow...it sure as hell is going to end at some point...for you if not for the world. And the thing is...why not live everyday like it were your last?

Now don't get me wrong...i'm not asking you to ditch all the long term goals and visions that you have...no...far from it. Instead all i'm saying is there should be a balance. If you live in constant fear that the sky is going to fall on your head and therefore should just bugger everything and live life the way *you* feel it should be lived, lets be honest...its just not conducive...particularly in contemporary society where its alllllll about the money (yes...the truth hurts).

Personally i am a person of extremes...therefore it is rather ironic that i'm talking about finding a balance.... I personally feel...work hard, play hard...9-5 head down in the books or nose to the grindstone...and after hours, do whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want. Just as long as you do it passionately with an unerring desire to be the best that you can be. Not be the best ever...but to fulfill your personal potential for yourself. If you work...be the best at working...and then when u wanna go out and party...be the best at partying..=p I'm sure many will disagree...but then...its just a matter of opinion and subjectivity.

So...find the balance...its not going to be easy...and even if you never find the "perfect" balance...just trying to do the most you can and quench the burning desires that you harbour within you is bound to bring you somewhere in the world...i hope. So go study hard...be the model student your parents want you to be (slow and steady)...while playing as much sport as you want(to get healthy)...and falling in love as hard as you want...telling the woman of your dreams that you are madly in love with her, take rejection like a man or embrace love with passion (Unless like me you leave next week-wouldn't be nice leaving her in a lurch). Bottomline, you do it your way, your style as long as *you* are happy. Amen to that.

May perpetual light shine upon you ah ma...

2006-10-29T10:41:00.000+08:00

Its been nearly 2 months since my last post....Awhile ago i wrote my tributes. Today, I add one more to the list. Anne Yeow Tar Ngim, my grandmother passed away on thursday evening, the 26th of October...and I wasn't there to say goodbye to her.

I'll miss her so much...I keep praying that somehow when i go back home, i'll walk into the old house, through the kitchen door, and i'll see her standing over the wok as usual, cooking...amazing smells permeating the air making my stomach rumble. And i'll hop over to her as i always do, and she'll ask me to taste her food...smacking me when i take too much and calling me a greedy pig with a twinkle in her eye.

I remember the days when i used to run around the house naked as a little kid, and you'd chase me all over the place. Only you had the patience (that and a rotan) to deal with me. I remember sitting in your kitchen where you'd feed me porridge with bovril and tell me stories about Orca the killer whale...just to get me to eat. I'll always remember Chinese New Year and the days leading up to it, where the family would sit around and chop vegetables for "jiu hu cha" and "chai choi". I'll never forget rolling "tong yuen" with you and you making your nyonya desserts.

Theres so much i wish i could tell you.You gave me my love of food. Taught me undying love and loyalty to ur family members. Showed me how young children should be loved and cared for. Displayed the strength and tenacity of a housewife who had to look after 8 children and how to hold a family together. The one thing i'm happy about is i never failed to let u know how much i loved you. And i'll say it again...i love you so much. Above and beyond any person on the planet, (apart from family) and i will miss you ever so much...I'll miss your wrinkly frown, and your kind smile...the way you cook me all my favourite curries...there'll never ever be another cook or person like you.

Theres so much about the world that reminds me about you. On thursday, my heart bled so deeply i didn't think i'd ever wake up in the morning. Food for me has lost all its taste...everytime i see curries, tears well up in my eyes...every bite i take seems bland and flavourless and every mouthful of food just reminds me of you. And i can't stop the tears from flowing...every single time. When i heard the news, i didn't want it to be so...but deep down i knew it was true, and a part of me died that day.

Theres so much more i could say...but i can't...because just thinking about it makes my throat tighten up. I keep wishing i'd wake up and someone would tell me its just a dream...but i know its not...and i know i'll never see you again, till the day comes when i leave this world for a better place. You gave me so much...not in terms of education, or anything material, but you gave me your love...you weren't educated, so u showered me with love one of the few ways you knew how, through the wonderful things that came out of the kitchen and the unspoken words that your eyes would speak everytime you dished out a meal as you watched us grow up from tiny tots to the big buffaloes we are now. I'll miss giving you a hug and a kiss as in walk through the front door...and you grabbing my cheeks and scolding me for giving mum a tough time. U "refusing" to cook anymore for me...and calling up later that evening to ask me to pick up prawn curry...

They bury you tommorow...and i wish i could see your face at least one last time...but i can't go home just yet. So i'll say a prayer for you, and i pray you will be well. Say hello to Jason when you get up there yea...=) Take Care, I love you ah ma...so much.

Pet peeves

2006-09-18T20:33:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile. i've come across a number of frustrating things the last few days. So as i've been listing things down lately, pet peeves are something i thought i might list.

1. At the top of the list we have pretentious people. This applies to all facets of life, y'know, the kinda fool who acts all humble but then says things that display his arogance, the sad sad paradox. One typical example is the pretentious academic. The funny part is, no matter how innately intelligent you are, unless you have an incredible facility for doing magically well with no study, its impossible to perform well without prior preparation.

All the times they tell you, "WOW! I didn't study *AT ALL* and still got 99%" is complete and utter drivel. I'll tell you now its impossible. Theres nothing that puts me off more than some guy who's obviously studied his arse off to get the mark he deserves, and then comes around asking you "How'd you do arr?" While batting his/her eyes expectantly at your answer...and once its given, theres a slight sigh and an, "oh" is delivered...followed by expected silence...whereupon its your social duty to ask, "How bout you?" And thats followed by (in a suitable 'humble' tone), "Oh...i got full marks, but i don't know how! I didn't even study!" The reason this pisses me off is because it makes the person on the receiving end (particularly if they *actually* haven't studied and done badly) feel like crap. I mean...the persons done badly...he/she already feels quite badly...why go rub it in? Do these individuals derive some kind of perverse pleasure from saying how little effort they put into their work and still come out with a 110% results wise?

If you've studied hard, say you have. A reply like, "I got full marks, but i had to study like a dog." Thats a preferable answer, also one thats closer to the truth. It not only indicates that you're proud of your achievements which you have derived through hard work, it also provides stimulus to the fallen party. It shows them that with hard work, people reap the rewards they deserve. Pretentious humbleness annoys me. Sometimes people say, "no la...i'm not really that smart." When deep down they know they are, its not a "wrong" reply per se....its just that if you're smart why not admit it? Since when has being smart been a bad thing? Saying, "i'm not really smart...i just worked really hard", thats humbleness. It just shows that you know where your priorities lie and what your limitations are. For individuals like these i have nothing but the utmost respect. For the aforementioned pretentious stain on the underpants of society...i sneer with disdain. Sorry...rough week...harsh words....but mostly true.

2. Coming in at First Runner Up, Idiots with weird accents. Its understandable if you've lived overseas for an extended period of time, and your accent is marginally westernised, depending on your location in the world. Admittedly, i've picked up certain aspects of a general broad australian accent, thats after 3 years in Sydney, studying in a school where i was the only malaysian, and being a boarder, where 60% of the boarders come from outback australia and *actually* speak with a broad ocker accent like the late steve irwin. The only reason I developed a marginal accent is because they can't understand english when its spoken with a Malaysian accent.

For some, they're a victim of necessity. Some people, go overseas for 3 months, and come back speaking like they've spent their whole life in America/wherever. I mean...that just takes pretentiousness to a whole new level. No matter how long you've been overseas, the minute you come home (to malaysia, or wherever) Your local accent is sure to resurface once u start mingling with old friends. I know a few idiots, who come home after a few months overseas and pronounce roti canai, "rowh-ti chah-nai". It irritates me to the core.

Like just the other day i attended this AGM for the Sydney University Association of Malaysian Students. This guy stood up to give an election speech and started speaking in what was the worst bastardization of an upper class english accent i've ever heard. And the sad part was he actually thought it sounded authentic. During Q&A someone asked him, "why do you have a pommie accent?" I expected him to say something ridiculous like, he went to england on holiday for a week or something stupid like that. Instead he said that he really loves english...and then went on to say that he grew up watching english dramas...that was when the hall drew off expectantly, but was greeted with silence...a deafeningly embaressing silence. Unfortunately that was when i burst out laughing (story for another day though). I mean...i'm well aware about the power of television...but honestly, develop a (Screwed up) english accent from watching television....i mean...*come on*....gimme a break here...Its bad enough if you got ur accent after a holiday or something...but from TV...wtf. Theres a fine line between speaking proper english (which may lead to some acccentation thats fine) and having a fake accent and not losing it when exposed...Not on.

3. People who are academically kiasu annoy me. I don't mind go-getters...i just hate people who don't help others just because they feel they're gonna lose out in some way. How many times has anyone ever come across the kinda individual who's really smart...and when you ask for his/her help they just look at you like you've got a third eye growing outta your forehead and shuffle away protectively clutching their notes. Dude...sharing is caring, and theres nothing wrong with teaching someone something that could help him/her. Not everyones blessed with innate intelligence, or have the diligence to sit down and study hard with comprehension.

Sometimes when you see a struggler, its ok to give a few pointers...it never hurts to help those lagging behind...but please, don't do it with a condescending air, help with an open and aboveboard attitude. Sometimes people who aren't as smart find it hard to get ahead because its really hard to ask someone for help and then have them look at you with a look that says, "What, are you retarded?" It a fear that people will point out the obvious and say they're stupid blablablabla. Its hard enough knowing that you're not the sharpest tool in the shed, without having the universe point it out to you. Bites the pride and damages the confidence while being embarressing as all hell. Help by all means, but be sensitive towards anothers emotions and feelings...its bad enough knowing ur dumb without having someone bashing you over the head with it using a sledgehammer. People only ever ask for help if they really really need it...particularly guys. (darned pride)

4. Now individuals who one-up/try hard are another breed of individual who annoy me. Theres one of these everywhere you go...they're unavoidable. You know...the kinda guy who's done everything that you've ever done before....including staging a false moon landing and directing a movie. These are the kinda individuals who irritate me no end...seriously. Theres no shame in never having been to terengannu, or scored a hattrick. These are the kinda people who daily volunteer information....An innocuous remark like, "I went to *place X* the other day" will typically be greeted with a, "OwwwHhHH!!! *place X* isit? I also beenthere before....not bad...quite nice la...but i think *place ZY* better la...cuz rite blablablablabla" (at which point you tune out). I'm sure u've got a valid reason such as yearning for acceptance and the usual sob story....but seriously, if the ppl ur trying to mix with say stuff like.."i got so drunk on the weekend' and then you reply, 'yeah man! i got completely smashed as well...it was hectic eh! I *love* getting hammered!" You know that ur just trying way way way way wayyy to hard. These are the kinda dudes who sadly will get no respect, or satisfaction outta life....not until you start becoming your own man and standing up for what u believe in rather than just blindly following the nearest influential individual.

Now before i get accused of abusing the social outcasts of the times...let me first qualiy....i'm highlighting why individual like these become social outcasts. i'm not saying we should give people like this a hard time, its just that they are given a tough time because of the way they live their lives...their general level of conduct...and so on so forth. 2 out of 4 on the list are academically inclined, but before you say i have a grudge against smart people (which i may, being stupid myself =p)let me highlight that the main points addressed in both are not so much the academic side, but rather pretentiousness and kiasu-ness. Being a student, naturally academia is the easiest way to relate or display aforementioned peeves. but enough....dissenssion has been sown and my frustration is cooling off...blogging really is therapeutic. =p cya soon.

The simple life..

2006-09-06T06:27:00.000+08:00

Theres this meme goin around that has you list 10 of the simple things in life that you enjoy...personally i found this quite poignant, and as such, i'll blog about 10 of the simple pleasures in my life.

1. Music...listening to music...playing around on the piano...learning how to play the flute (unsuccessfully) or the guitar...or anything musical in general, including singing. Music just has this amazing therapeutic quality about it. The notes can either soothe your soul or ignite the embers of your heart, depending on the type of music you listen to. Personally music for me is a way of release...so there are times where i just wanna let loose and bash away to acid jazz or hard bebop...and at others its slow swing, pop or vocalists....Bottomline is, sometimes chilling out and listening to good music is one of the best things in life...its inexplicable why its so good...it just is.

2. Lazing around: No...i'm serious...Now before you lot start laughing let me explain. =p Sometimes, when life gets the better of you, you just wanna lie down on the grass in the great outdoors and contemplate the meaning of life yaddayaddayadda....And i gotta say, one of the best places to do it is by a lake or on a hill....no matter which part of the world you're in. You sit there, and theres an air of invincibility around you...like nothing could go wrong, (because hey...nothing really can...ur just sitting there. =p) Don't believe me? Just go down to the lake gardens one day...forget the mosquitoes....go there in the late afternoon and just chill by the lake ...listen to the crickets...frogs and seriously thers just this feeling deep in your gut that everythings gonna be alright.

3. Sunrises and Sunsets: I really don't need to explain this do i? In Malaysia maybe its not as inspiring, but over in Australia there aren't many clouds in the sky...and when the sun rises the colour slowly seeps into the sky and then everything slowly lights up. Make the effort...get up at 5ish and watch the sunrise...alone or with someone...its a sight to behold. Sunsets are always nicer to watch by the beach...but on a grassy knoll is cool as well...the colour sorta just bleeds into the sky around and the sky goes from blue to rosy red and then orange...or is that the other way round...Ah well.....its just worth it...warms the cockles of your heart.

4.Mamak Stalls: One of the simple pleasures that i really can't live without...I'm suffering from mamak stall withdrawal syndrome over here nearly...Seriously...you don't know how much u miss sitting at a mamak having a quiet drink with your kakis (or a loud drink...either way=p) till you've gone halfway round the world, get up at 2 in the morning and think...'damn i could use a roti tisu right about now'. Trust me...it *will* happen.

5.Swimming: I love water...one reason why i really love sydney...cuz its surrounded by bays and harbours and by extension water. When you swim, or when theres water around you, you feel as though all the cares and worris in the world just float away with the tide and you just enjoy yourself floating along doing what u feel like doing. Plus you can do stuff in water you could never do in real life...like tumble turning in mid-float..stuff like that. Try jumping into a river one day...and float around for an hour or two...trust me...it'll be fun.

6. Dancing: Now before you lot start condemning me for being a poof, let me just say that all men wish they could dance well. No kidding...every guy wants to be able to move like usher or whoever it is that dances well nowadays. But sometimes dancing or bopping to the music when you feel like it, with narry a worry or care...thats just fun...feels good i reckon, i know i enjoy doing it.

7. Singing in the shower: C'mon...we've all done this before, i know i've got a penchant for singing in the shower...the funny thing is where i live, we have communal showers...so i get frequent shouts of "SHUT THE F*CK UP" or on a good day the other cubicles join in, and we get a little choir going in the showers...all in all good fun...=p

8. Sports: Can't live without it, theres something undeniable enjoyable about just going out to a park and kicking a football around, or playing touch footy with your mates down on a field, or going down to the local courts and throwing a basketball around. Talking about sports...how the world hates chelsea (i still hope abramovich and his roubles disappear from the place of this planet) and how all managers are idiots and what we would do if we were there.

9. Gardening: Now i know you're all gonna laugh...but seriously...gardening is great. Its like looking after a kid. You get rid of all the weeds and water the plant...watch it grow...flower...and hopefully look after it so it stays that way. Clipping a bush so that you shape it and mould it...i used to spend hours on end with my dad doing the gardening...you should try it. Its also fairly good exercise...kills the back, no kidding.

And last but not least~

10. Washing the dishes: One of the simple pleasures in life. Call me weird, but i really like doing the dishes...during my finals, when i wasn't studying, i'd go downstairs and wash any dishes there were to be washed...seriously...its gotta be one of the most enjoyable things ever. Only if you don't have to rush while washing the dishes though...washing em in a restaurant prolly wouldn't be fun..but i do know that washing them at home is relaxing...I'm Serious la!

Those are 10 of the simple pleasures in my life. Things that i find simple and enjoyable, and can be found for no or next to no cost. Sometimes its the simple pleasures in life that are the best.

What is love?

2006-08-28T18:59:00.000+08:00

I've been wondering...just exactly what is love? And how do you love? You can’t force (or torture) someone into loving you....you just gotta put yourself out there. Take the risk...bare your soul and lay your feelings on a platter in the open. And hope...just hope they love you back. It isn’t a game, or a contest...It’s just an indelible part of life that nobody understands...or should understand. And that’s what makes love everything its cut out to be. Because if everyone understood love, it’d just become another game...another autonomous construct in a boring life. It’s because love is so unpredictable that everyone who experiences it is changed forever. It’s because emotions are involved that everything changes. Nobody acts rationally when under the influence of strong emotions...which is why sometimes the most irrational action can induce the desired response. A guy climbing on a stand proclaiming his love for the world to see (irrational) and the girl says, “yes” which may or may not be the rational thing to do...but the bottomline is that without a doubt, love makes us do stupid things....

When you love someone, truly love someone...there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for them...no mountain you wouldn’t climb, no river you wouldn’t pass, just to be with her...see her face, watch her gaze, feel her smile and the butterflies in your belly...if only for the briefest of moments...which make them all the more sweeter. Love is like...a feeling so indescribable...like...sometimes, when the person you love walks into the room, your heart stops beating...your breath hangs...and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up...its like time stands still for you. And then in an instant everything goes back to normal and your heart races to catch up. It’s as if that someone has the power to stop your heart...and then bring you back to life...without knowing they’re even doing it...that’s love. Its knowing that he/she will be there for you...to stretch out a hand when you need it, offer a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear to listen, and give a heart wholly and truly without agenda. That’s Love. A complete trust in someone, knowing that they’ll always be there for you.

Sometimes you wonder, when you open up to someone that much, what happens if they don’t reciprocate...and as in many cases hurt you? Well...I don’t have an answer to that. I do know however, that there’s no point in doing anything by halves...if you go into anything half-heartedly, or with reservations, or with the expectation that it may fail...in all probability it will. Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. Fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find that someone? Forget your head (for the moment) and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try...Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Love is as love does, when you love someone, you just know it. I’m not saying that I go into a relationship thinking it’ll last forever...because I’m not. I go in living the present...que sera sera...living it to the fullest and if forever *does* happen...then I’ll happily grasp it with both hands and never let go. But it’s not just all those things...it’s also a responsibility. Taking the weight of your choices and feelings...and spending the rest of your time together living up to them. And most importantly, not hurting the object of your love. And all that...to me...is love.

On This Day

2006-08-23T00:58:00.000+08:00

23rd of August...to some, just another date on the calender...to me, the birthday of my little brother. The little rat who has hung around nipping at my heels for as long as i can remember =p but is now starting to run side by side with me...He's an unbelievable enigma...When we're together we bring the house down..cracking lame jokes and playing games like "one two jus" to see who gets the last piece of chicken on the plate. We have all the fun in the world chilling together...but it wasn't all just fun and games...

Being the eldest, i resented it when jon came along and noone cared about me anymore, cuz everyone wasmore worried about the baby. (It was a natural reaction...jealous marr...) So for the first few years of our lives, it was torrid. We'd fight about everything...from who got to watch TV...to who got to play with what toy first, and i'm ashamed to say i was a horrible elder brother. I'd pinch him and hit him...and he'd give as good as he got, biting and scratching...it was a warfield out there...But, I always knew he loved me...but why...that was the question, cuz i certainly didn't treat him well....

Then, when i was 12, and he was 8, ...It was a wednesday, and i stayed back in school for co-curricular activities and he'd just come around to sit with me, and i'd shooed him off to go makan. It started raining really heavily though...cats and dogs...and in a few minutes, the canteen was flooded, being on a lower level than the whole school. I was sitting in the foyer just in front of the steps leading up the canteen but hadn't seen any sign of the little one yet. So i waited, and as more kids got ushered up, i couldn't see my brother anywhere... I sighed irritatedly and clambered down the bench and proceeded to go look for him. The water wasn't all that high...up to about my knees...and when i walked into the canteen, socks soaking, i saw jon sitting on a table crying...he was sobbing away...and when he saw me he just held out his arms and said, "kor..korrrr..." so i trudged over, and he was sobbing so hard he couldn't even talk....I piggybacked him outta there, and the whole time he was just saying "korr" repeatedly.... That sorta struck home a chord with me, that no matter how much we fought and argued...we were brothers, and he needed me to be there for him. So when we got up to dry ground, we sat on a bench and he wouldn't let go...he hung on like a little koala bear...and that was when i realised that i had a huge responsibility as an elder brother to look out for the little one.

From then on its progressed to the point where i'm overprotective of the little tyke...the one time he went missing in a hotel I nearly broke down when i couldn't find him...Turns out he just conned the sweet shop lady into giving him freebies...=$ Behind that very blase attitude is a fiery temper and a dogmatic nature that often gets him into trouble. But he's got a heart of gold. And theres nothing we wouldn't do for one another. The times he's come home and said..."nah kor...for you." And he'd hand me a packet of sherberts...this coming from a kid who only got a dollar a day, 20 cents was a fair bit. So he's sacrificed what he could for me...and i'm appreciative, if only in the last few years or so...

I left for australia 3 years ago...and now, you're 15...time sure does fly...and you've grown so much...from asking me about what the best sweets to eat were...to which mamak has the best roti...where to catch spiders....to football and the endless mystery which is woman. We've grown off each other, you with your hypersomnia, and me with my constant chirping. My angry defiance and ur more tactful refusal to budge. We make things work you and i...u cover for me when i come home late...and leave the door unlocked when i need to sneak back in...i persuade ma to let u go out abit more often...have drinks with me late at night...ur gonna be an alcoholic and its all my fault...=p

At any rate, whatever it is, you're my kid brother, and I love you...Theres nothing i wouldn't do for you, and if you ever need any help, just call me, msg, email...say something k...we're in this together, and if i can't ask you for help...who else can i ask? (apart from aaron and gabs) and vice versa.

So remember this...I am your brother, and i'll always be there for you. Happy birthday. =)

Sometimes, being a brother is even better than being a Superhero-Marc Brown

Understand

2006-08-21T16:05:00.000+08:00

Lately a few friends have been having a tough time with results and the lot...and i know exactly how they feel cuz well...mine weren't too crash hot either. And the disappointment of failure...of not living up to ones *own* expectation...that is the most painful of all. So i thought I'd share some literature my father shared with me, that helped pick me up through my tough times...

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they
had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.

He told them, “You cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up”

“If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, the fulfillment of your fall .”

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.

Don't judge life by one difficult season.

Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come sooner or later.

Experience is the best teacher...but the most costly and painful. It is only through adversity that we come out stronger...for truly, without tasting bitterness how can one appreciate success?

My father always says that, “Success is never-ending...defeat never final....We may not come in at first place, but if we give up at the first hurdle, we take away all the chances we have of coming in 2^nd or 3^rd.”

In life, theres no such thing as a free lunch...you gotta work hard for your success. But sometimes, shit happens...and you don't get what u deserve. Lifes like that...its not fair and hardly a bed of roses. Its just that when the going gets tough, you just gotta grit your teeth and trudge through and you'll be a better person for it.

To all those who have suffered failure, or are going through tough times, my thoughts are with all of you, and i hope u manage to pull through whole and strong as i managed to. It'll hurt...but you'll come out a better person for the experience. Take Care all...God bless...=)

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

- Unknown -

Absolute insanity...

2006-08-17T15:33:00.000+08:00

Just quickly...a thank you to those who've read my "tribute" posts and said its touched them...Its great to know that somehow u strike a chord with someone out there... =) But at any rate, its been quite an emotional time for me and i've just had issues that i've needed to sort out, and just appreciating those who have helped me along the way has been a necessity. =) So i thank all of you.

Anyway...to less emo-like stuff and more insanity...updates on college life. For the uninitiated, i live at a residential college at Sydney Uni...which is roughly the equivalent of a fraternity you see in movies all the time, only with girls thrown into the mix...hey...i'm not complaining...=p

Now...it never snows in Sydney...ever. It *does* however fecking *HAIL!* !&*(#^$. So there i was, like every other normal boy, playing footie in the rain (its more fun with all that mud =p) thinking...gee this is getting good...when all of a sudden i feel something crack me on the head. Thinking i was being either divebombed by pigeons with a serious need for fibre or the sideline were just trying to annoy me, i turned 360 and eyeballed every living thing in the vincinity... I was just concluding that it *had* to be Gilbert throwing this junk at me, when suddenly i get pelted with alot more of the stuff...and i'm looking right at the alleged perpetrator. Naturally i look up...and just as i do it starts hailing with a vengeance...*hailing*! I've never seen snow, but i've been the victim of hail....sheesh...

If u wanna know what the hail was like...it was of a comparative size to solero shots...only free from the sky...tasteless (you gotta try eating at least one...they're hard though =p)...and quite annoying if it keeps hitting you. At first i was thinking...this is cool...now at least i can say i've played in icey conditions... They then sorta progressed to the size of golf balls...now when golf ball sized chunks of ice come raining down from the sky, its clearly a message to abandon game.

Now heres the joke...as i run in, four girls, Kristy, Andie, Alex and Wingy are all shaking open umbrella's by the door. This is a rough version of events...

Jules: "hey girls...just got in didja?"
Kristy: "Nope...we're going out."
Jules: "???! You do know that its *hailing* outside right? as in...ice...pain...bad."
Andie: "We're going shopping..." ( I *swear* that was *exactly* what she said)
Jules: "WTF!?! *Shopping*?! Are you *insane* woman! Its HAILING outside!"
Andie: "Well, we said we'd go shopping this afternoon...so we are...a little bit of hail isn't going to stop us."
Jules: *Sputters* "Little bit of hail?! Thye are massive those things are like armageddon in ice form!"
Kristy: "We've got umbrellas..." (thats what she said...like its some solution)
Jules: "Women"*smacks head*

Just goes to show...come rain, shine or even *hail* nothing stops women from shopping...absolutely nothing...

***Note:Pictures will be up once i find my cable to transfer pics***
Kristy running through the carpark...

Andie and the others following after...

Hail...bloody hail *everywhere* and the women still off to shop. shopaholics...

Now last semester, one of the lads Chris was suffering from severe tension..."exam stress" apparently. so his means of releasing tension...sex with his girlfriend. Which means he has to romanticize her a lil bit through the night...ply her with abit of alcohol (how else is she actually going to realize what she's doing =p) and bring her home...

So he gives Jonesy his room keys to safekeep (why i have no idea)....big mistake...before you know it, us lads know all about his devious plan and are naturally thinking up an evil evil cock-block. (Chris is a deviant...women out there u'll thank us one day)

So what do we do? Naturally we attack the soft spot...his room. No room...no happy happy...=p Being innovative, we decide to...urm....redecorate...albeit in a rather spartan manner. Basically we just move his room. Across the building...to the grotto...where confessions are usually held. (Its a catholic college, complete with chapel and resident priest)
What makes this quite funny is the fact that we rearranged his room *exactly* how it would have been. everything was in its "correct" place...only in a different location...BWAHAAHAH. Don't shoot me disapproving stares...there were about 12 of us =p . We even took the trouble to plug in his fan and his fridge...see...we're actually quite thoughtful...;)

So Chris sends Jonesy a msg to meet him in 5 minutes outside, cuz apparently the lady in question is ready and willing...alcohol in effect, i know not. So we all snigger, and hide around his room, waiting for the magical moment. In effect, theres nothing left in his room...*NOTHING* we moved his cupboard....dressing table...bed, sofa,....clothes...we did leave him the walls though...and the light. =p

So naturally he comes home...opens the door...and is greeted by an empty room except for a whiteboard that reads..."If you want to have pre-marital sex...you must go to confession" (see...we gave him a hint =p) He's not amused...she's horny...and his first words are...."FUCK!" All of us burst out laughing...and u hear him say..."YOU BASTARDS!" We all scatter...and he comes out of the room steaming pissed....

Suffice to say his night was ruined...or not...Chris, never one to be defeated by the odds steals Jonesys car keys and does the deed in Jonesy's back seat...Jonesy wasn't amused either....apparently cleaning a stained car seat is nigh-impossible. Took Chris the whole of the morning to reshift his room...i know...we're bastards...but hey...all in a good nights fun...;)

I'm off to have some hard earned fun...we won our soccer tournament =D...tales on roo court and VD (Victory dinner la, get ur minds out of the gutter =p) soon.

And finally...to brothers...=)

2006-08-13T16:46:00.000+08:00

Posts have been morbid lately...sounds like i'm saying goodbye to everyone no? =p No worries...i intend on sticking around for alot longer...=) Just been adressing issues la...sometimes i also got to emo wat...almost like going down memory lane...now that everyones leaving overseas and everything...seemed about right. Seems like just yesterday i was in kindergarten...which brings me to the topic. Two of the bestPosts have been morbid lately...sounds like i'm saying goodbye to everyone no?=p No worries...i intend on sticking around for alot longer...=) Just been adressing issues friends a bloke could wish for ...Aaron and Gabriel.

kindy-
Top right: Me
2nd row l-r: Gabs, Aaron

l-r: Aaron, Gabriel, Derek (another friend) and Me =) - std2
I've known Aaron for...17 years, Gabs for 15...and i'm 19. Lol! That means i've known the blokes longer than i've had my younger brother around. Living just around the corner from aaron, we hung out alot. We played football together, and we've had so many good times man. In kindergarten where we'd just run around and have a general fun time...then to primary school, where every year got one story la...run away from home la...the brothers club la...std3 which although was a shitty year, you gotta admit that looking back, it was a fun time =p...Going to church together...lorong...just hanging out, you lot puffing away while i complain. All the church camps. Then primary school ended, Aaron went CHS, I went to MCKL (and later Sydney), Gabs went to DJ...and we sorta grew apart for abit....but you know what they say about true friends...no matter how long they spend apart, the minute we get back together...its as if there was never a gap.

And thats what makes you two blokes special in my life. No matter how much time we never meet up...when we do, we just chill with one another like its the most natural thing in the world. You two boys are more than just my best friends man...you're my brothers. You give me the advice i need and listen to my troubles...theres not many people in the world i open up to...i prefer to sort out my issues on my own. But with you two...i know i can trust to give me solid advice and look out for my best interests. We've always been there for each other backing each other up through thick and thin. When one of us has a problem, it becomes all three of our problems...we're a collective, and it takes years of friendship to reach the kind of level we're at. And to any of you out there who've got a friendship as staunch as ours...treasure it, cuz theres nothing like it that will ever come along again.

std6
Top left: Me
2nd row right: Aaron
Bottom row right: Gabs

Aaron, you taught me how to be more independant. In many ways, i have you to thank for teaching me about the other side of life. If not for you, i'd be the most protected kid this side of the hemisphere...u know rite...my mum paranoid to the max. =p But whenever i say, "going out with aaron only la!" then she'll chill...one advantage of being such good mates eh...=) Ur one of the most street smart people i know, you always find your way around any obstacles using the most sensible path and u have a practicality about you that i have tried to learn. Unfortunately i've always been too impulsive la...get myself into hot soup...and then need you to come and gimme advice or bail me out =p. You kept my love for sport going...even when i thought i could never do it, you'd always ask me out to have a kick around at your house, or at the park...And you always gave me a chance to play no matter what, even if i was horrible...and you wouldn't laugh...For which i am eternally grateful. So i have you to thank for being sports mad nowadays...=p Man...i still think about those times we'd run to school early just to hop over to federal or the newsagents around the back behind the padang...and do the sneaky things that little kids do. =p I remember the bat we found by our meeting place near the tree in Std 2. And now that we're older, we go where the wind takes us....the wind being ur volvo/legend/whatever la...=p All the time we spend just chilling and talking about our lives. Our futsal sessions together....i swear that futsal runs ur life...and by extension mine la, cuz who else do i hang out with rite....=p

Gabs, you've always been the more quiet one of the three of us, but always la ur there for me. U've always got good advice to give, and ur the most hardworking of us all. From you i learnt strong work ethic...man of principles ok! =p And from all ur controversies i also learnt alot of things...but thats a story for another day. ;) Sure me and aaron always tease you, but when push comes to shove, we've always got your back...just like you always are there looking out for us. You've always been straightforward and tell me the most logical solution to any problem. You keep my idealistic self strongly rooted onto the ground with ur sense of realism and always tell me that the world is no bed of roses. From you i learnt that a slight cynicism is an integral part of an individuals personality that cannot be overlooked. And more importantly, you're always there to listen. We don't live as close, thus don't chill out so much. But i appreciate all the treks you make out from taman Megah just to go yumcha together...and hangout. Remember our prefect years man? We ran havoc in primary school...and you were one fierce SOB...the way you sound those smaller fellers...i also scared man. =p You've got a noble streak about you that occasionally others exploit, but it makes you who you are my friend...never change that. From you i garner nobility, ethics, hardwork, priorities and initiative...not much la...but its a work in progress...=p

Words truely are inadequate to express the level of friendship that we share. You guys know me so well...and vice versa. On some weird level we're almost like the three musketeers...one fat one...one skinny one...and one angry one (Gabs...your the angry one =p). The moments we've had together...the laughter we've shared...the insane, insane times together. From late night parties...to sleepovers (where Gabriel will kena harley kau kau =p) To Aarons apartment...tanni sessions...everything la. Three lads of completely different character all growing up together and accepting each others nonsense...learning and teaching one another...now thats true friendship. To all the memories you've given me...the way you two have always been a constant presence in my life and development of my person. I thank you two. Words ...cannot express what i'm trying to convey...how exactly do you describe 17 years of friendship? Its almost impossible...so of course, in true fashion, i'm going to try to do it la...=p Just a small bit of plagiarism here...but its based on the things we do together la.

*Cue Orchestral music*

Meal at the mamak: RM5 (Plus gabriels share RM 8) =p
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Meal at A&W: RM15 (with whatever extra fries that aaron consumes RM20)+sounding from parents for coming home late
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Tanni Session at apartment/wherever: One Bottle of Swing (which *some* ppl...no names *cough*gabs*cough*...will spew up...its the food la..the food =p)
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17 years of insane friendship and counting: Worth all the scolding...the money...the time ...Bloody priceless. =)

Thanks boys...you two are lads to walk the mountains with. Thanks for everything...

and now; l-r: Aaron, Me, Gabs (They don't always look this stoned...or red...they'd just been drinking =p)

~All for one and one for all
My brothers and my friends
What fun we've had
The time we've shared
Brothers 'til the end.~

To Those Gone...

2006-08-10T22:26:00.000+08:00

Third of the four tributes i will post up. This ones a little trip down memory lane...bittersweet yet unavoidable....

To my brother...Jason Lam. I remember you...wielding your little lightsaber...which i fought you for. Your monkey grin. I knew you. People say i was never old enough to know you. But noone told me about you...as far back as i can remember...i always felt this cut in my soul that you were torn from me when i was so young. I remember you always outwardly saying u couldn't stand me...but when everyone was away or asleep...you gave me that lightsaber. And i will never forget that. Ever. I used to cry in bed at night, wondering why u left me...and when i was old enough to understand that the cemetary i visited every weekend with dad was yours, i knew why. I haven't been to ur cemetary in awhile kor...but everytime i go there, something lances through my heart...so sharp and painful...the pain of loss...and the sorrow of absence. Sometimes i wonder...what if i wasn't eldest by default...what if i didn't need to be an example for anyone? What if i had someone to give me an example? Would i be a bigger maniac? =p Or would i be more responsible. All the what ifs...but what if...what if you didn't get hit by a bus....would life have been different? All i know is...I miss you....

Gong Gong...Anthony Lim...Old man, you have no idea how much i loved you...and still love you. When you moved up to ss2 from Seremban i was the happiest young boy this side of the planet. The times you tapau-ed for me my favourite "ngau lum fun" all the way up from seremban. The time you spent teaching me mathematics...although i imagine ur *spinning* in your grave when u hear i hate numbers =p The fact that u were always so proud of anything i did. Even when i came *5th* in class...you still made a little medal for me with ur own 2 old hands...you showed me by example is meant to be unconditional...that you would always be proud of me no matter what. You encouraged me...and you gave me confidence...helped me to believe in myself. Through ur occasional taunts, you taught me how to bear pressure, and to accept the jeers of others, because this world is not all rosy.

The way you let me feed your fishes in the aquarium...catch them with a net...and put them back. Staying all alone with you in Seremban and hearing you snore like a jet taking off. You waking me up at 5 in the morning for roti canai and teh tarik at the local mamak. The old Seremban theatre...where we'd watch chinese kungfu movies together. You gave me so much from your hands and your mind and just by being there for me. You taught me passion, gave me love. Helped me to see that a happy life is a good life. Gave me the mantra "everyday in everyway I am getting better and better." Gave me the power of positive thinking. The chillout sessions we had at botanical gardens just sitting on the grass...feeding birds, looking at the lake...talking...I still do that myself to this day. The list is endless and inexhaustive...But most importantly, you put a smile on a small boys face all the time.

But the one time we fought...i never said sorry...and you wouldn't back down. And you said to dad that this trip to Australia would be your last...you were adamant about it. I dismissed it as ur usual occasional morbid prophecy...only as u left, you said that we would never forget you. I never did. On Febuary 28th...Dads birthday, you passed on. And i never said sorry. I still remember the last telephone call home you made. And i spoke to Hui Xian, and she said, "Julian, the next time we come back, don't blame us if we hate you, cuz gong gong keeps saying how great you are at everything." And that lit a flame in me...to know that this one old man had so much faith in me and my abilities even though i was only 11 years old. I knew u forgave me, and loved me . I remember talking to you...and at the end of the conversation i said "i love you gong..." trailing off...and the words "i'm sorry" stayed stuck in my throat...they never came out. And I knew exactly when you died. Because i know you said goodbye to me. And i heard you...and i'll always regret never telling you i'm sorry...But i'd like to think you knew it. I got your message gong gong. I was the saddest boy in the world that day u left...but also happy because i *know* without a sliver of doubt that you are in a better place...in paradise. With all the smoke salmon in the world you could eat and more. =) Look down on me and watch me fly gong gong...because the wings you gave me are finally beginning to spread...=)

And To Friends...

2006-07-31T19:21:00.000+08:00

Now, my friends, alot of whom don't read my blog...and lets just say i've lost contact with alot. But sometimes, despite the time spent apart, we just meet up and its as if there was never a gap. I'm the kind of person who makes alot of friends easily (i think) but finds it hard to get really comfortable with someone. So if i *do* become really comfortable with someone, i cherish the friendship heart and soul, and will do *alot* for the other individual...sometimes even more so than for my family, (which i do feel guilty about. =p) but thats the way i am. Friendship means just so much to me, and for my true friends, there is close to nothing i would not do. So heres a tribute to those who've had a profound effect on my life in some way....

Zee Yang: Buddy, you and i, we go wayyy back...form 1-4 and even after that. I thank you for the friendship you've given me and for the great times we've had together up in guans place, or you lot abandoning me in that damn jungle. (bastards =p) And kampung endah, the fun we had....unbeliveable, from late night fishing, to jungle trekking to getting lost in that bloody palm oil plantation. From getting kicked out of BM class only to sit outside and laugh....maths with mansur ali...getting caught skipping class and having to do squats out on the basketball courts ...arguing with prefects (then i became one)...having funny arguments with teachers in class...generally wreaking havoc with me everywhere we went together. For all the memories...Thanks man. See you soon =)

Fei Yi: Sure dude, we;ve grown apart....but hey...u, Zee and I were bloody unstoppable. Until you found girls that is =p. yea la yea la...the 2 of us failures only marr....but hey...we had goood times eh...form 1, form 2, form 3....insane...i'll never forget them. Thanks bro =)

Yee Jun: Sabah was amazing man...we got really close then, and i don't regret it. I used to think you were a stickler for the rules, but really all u ever were was just alot more disciplined than i was. Where in the prefects i was the wild horse, you were ever the soul of stability. Where i induced general mayhem and panic, you calmed things down. We worked well together buddy, and i hope u learnt how to let loose from me, as i learnt how to take a chill pill from you. (I'm alot less frequently insane la k =p). Thanks dude, for everything. =)

Daphne: My best girlfriend. You crazy woman you....i swear ur the sister i never had. The times you come crying to me with issues...and the way i have to give u advice on stuff...the way you counsel me. The fun times we've had and are having (finally, someone in sydney). The way you nag me about my studies, and lecture me about my women...the way you laugh at me for all the predicaments i land myself in (and vice versa). For all the fun times we've had together...the moments we've shared, in school...out of school. Kampung endah when i got really close to you...ur bubbly personality which never fails to cheer me up when i'm feeling down, your general wacky demeanour...The way you're always there for me, a rock in my otherwise chaotic, disorganized life make you a friend i never wanna lose. =) Take care little girl, and i'll always be there for you. =)

Wee Vien: Yea...we've drifted, but that doesn't mean anything now does it? =p You're still fiery, intelligent viv who will just about eat any man alive if he suggests that you're dumb, have hips the size of a small hippo or are just a very angry woman in general. =p But what more can i say about you? Kampung Endah was insane...the car chase...even more so...=p. The fun times we've had teasing each other. The times i've stood by and watched as a horde of boys run around doing your every whim and fancy...(she's got a waiting list guys...get on it if u want a chance). The way you carry yourself, and conduct things, has taught me a fair bit. And for the memories, thanks babe. =)

Yoke Jia: Jia Jia! =) One girl i am very very very happy to have known. She is just so damn blurr its not funny...i swear she's got a time lag going when it comes to getting jokes or hearing things that people have said about an hour earlier. =p That being said we've had so many fun times together, in Mr. Williams math class, in english class... =p Christmas eve one year...New years eve another..., me kacauing you about ur shit english (which *may* have improved =p) and banging me about being such a "failure" with girls (i'm improving la...by choice remember...=p). And for everything, the happy moments, to the emo ones, i hope i've given you as much as you've given me. Thanks girl.=)

Adeline Tan Xin Yi: Doink doink....i know....i'm reduced to calling her childrens names...but she started it k! Even though we've only met like once or twice, we talk a fair bit, and i've learnt how to be more tenacious, and kiasu from you...=p From you I've also learnt that theres more to a person than just the exterior and that to truly know someone you have to be patient and look deep inside beyond the initial facade. Bimbo's aren't always *just* bimbo's. U've had some effect on my life, and i thank you for it. =) Hopefully u may have learnt something from me too ;)

Sherve: Ahhh.....what more can i say about her except, insane....absolutely insane. Workaholic to the max and i swear she's got more drive than i do.Sure we may only have known each other for a few months, and you may not know, but u taught me to look inside myself and ask myself what am i working for....why i push myself so hard. To discern the reasons behind my existence and question the values in my life. To realize that ambition *is* necessary in life and that determination and perseverance are important traits within me which i would do well to use all the time, not just in select scenarios. To work hard, put effort into everything i do without prejudice and to try a 110% in all my undertakings and endeavours. You've had a profound effect on the way i view things around me and the way i view myself as a person. So for all that, and the fun times we had talking till unearthly hours. Thanks babe. =)

Cynthia: Sure, i've only known her for a couple of weeks...but they've been the roughest weeks of my life to date. And on possibly the worst night of my life, barring one, her laughter put a smile on my face. You probably don't know this, but when the chips were down, i told myself, that i was ready to give everything up, everything i stand for, everything i believe in... everything i love. Once i dismally said, "I've wasted a day" and in your naivete you said to me, "Its not a waste of time, If you're doing something you love, its not a waste of time." You probably don't even remember saying it...but in the darkest month of my life, that sentence had the most profound effect on me ever. So I've picked myself up off the floor and realised that life isn't worth living if it isn't doing the things you love. I'm playing at pubs again, doing sport and finding time to study all at once. You've helped me realize that priority is essential and that love...you need love around all the time. So for 2 nights in a year, when i've felt like i just jumped headfirst into an empty swimming pool, you've put a smile on my face and helped me pick myself up, stick on a bandaid and continue my foray on into life whistling as always.=) You've helped me...to stay me, and for that i will be eternally grateful... Lol! A pity i met you only a week before leaving. =p For what you've done, I thank you...I owe you one...or two, either way... =)

I can't possibly remember everyone who's had an effect on my life, but i'm sure that out there, if you know me, i've learnt something from you, or observed something about you that i know has affected me in some way. To all the people who i've known, "L" class, WB7, in my all to brief 19 years on the planet, i thank you so much for the things that you've shown me, and the experiences you've shared with me. I hope i gave you all, as much as you have given me. Thanks everyone....for everything.... =)

-You are perfect...because God doesn't make mistakes-

A tribute...to family

2006-07-31T16:42:00.000+08:00

I’m missing home in a major way. But most of all the people that make home *home* know what I mean? The next time I go back, half of you lot won’t be there any more...flying off to places like UK and whatnot...will somebody *please* bloody come to SYDNEY!!! I swear *everyone* goes to Melbourne....but noone comes to Sydney...noone dammit! Ahemm....anyway....back to the topic. Since I’m feeling rather nostalgic, just a brief overview of the important people in my life so far to date, or at least the people that I feel are important (e.g made an impression on my life).

First off...Dad. No-one’s influenced my life more than you have old man...and although u probably won’t read this, (unless jon decides to show you) I love you very much. I thank you for the guidance that you’ve given me and the wisdom that you’ve imparted to me over the years. I find it amazing how despite only finishing form 5 you’ve come so far in your life. That you’ve managed to provide for the family and me the things that I need and want without complaints...sure...you can be a grumpy bastard when the occasion calls for it, but deep down you’ve got a heart of gold. I’ve modeled myself on you dad, and if I can even be half the man that you are, with your determination, passion and zest for life, I’d be eternally happy. We’re maybe a little too much alike, but at least that way you have the benefit of hindsight. I thank you for the joy you gave me as a child, the times we played together in the park...everynight after work you’d come home and wrestle with me...you’d pretend not to see me as I hid under my bed and tried to surprise you...football, badminton, jungle walks, washing the car, gardening and just drinking tea in the garden...for the time you have given me, I thank you and cherish every moment. I as yet have much to learn from you. I hope to mature further in the coming 6 months and show you that I truly am deserving of your praise. =)

Mum, nothing to be said here...you are my rock. Always there for me, despite all the nonsense I put you through, the tears sometimes of joy and sometimes of sadness. Bottomline is we’ve shared some many good moments, be it intellectual arguments, or just gentle words and the one thing you’ve given me is optimism and idealism. I’ll admit that over the last few years I’ve become incredibly cynical, but still, I have hope. Because that’s what you’ve given me. Hope. And that, to me, is the most beautiful thing of all. For sweat, time, tears and passion you’ve put into my life...I thank you and love you for it mum. =)

Jon...u know I love you kiddo....enough said. Not much to be explained there...we hated each other, now we love each other...that’s the way it is. You always look out for me, and I thank you for watching my back. The times we spend just chilling and lazing around...lying in bed talking about girls and music and whatnot. Discussing comics (as all brothers do) You giving me backrubs and purposely pressing really hard on my wounds everytime I get back from rugby (bastard =P) You forcing me to give you goodnight hugs, and tuck you into bed (you big baby). You asking me for girl advice even though you’ve had more relationships than I have *shakes head* (I’m a coward...so sue me =P). Just lying down in the garden while it rained, getting all wet and having mum go insanely angry, yet managing to laugh while she scolds us =). The piggy back rides you force me to give you everytime we go for walks, cuz you’re lazy and fat, and then jumping off the minute u see a girl you like...the times you’ve locked me in the bathroom and switched off the water, and lights...the times I’ve returned the favour. =P I love you kid, not much else to say...stay strong, I’ll be back soon. =)

My grandparents, ah kong, for being dutifully grouchy and yet driving me around as a kid till i fell asleep. Ah ma, for cooking me my favourite curries everytime i'm home despite being unable to walk around the kitchen. To poh poh for cooking great food and porridge and everything (you've noticed by now my stomach dictates alot of love. =p) . For the unconditional love you've given me, i thank you so much. =)

To uncle John, Aunty Esther, Ben, Audrey, Yi-Xian, Justin and Eugene...to all the family who have helped mould me into the man i am...i thank you...

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Yi Xian...my little cousin...physically little la...=p but 9 days older (9 days don't count...i have seniority cuz i'm male =D) Since time immemorial...you have been there for me...from when we were kids in diapers running around, and i'd like to think we've forged some kind of unspoken bond...beyond and above normal speech. I'd think ur one of the few people on the planet who knows me for who i am. The behind the confident exterior...the commanding braggadocio, deep down... i'm just "ju ju". You see through my jokes...my nonsense, my devil-may-care attitude and otherwise brash veneer. You see the other side of me...that not many people on this earth see...the frustration, the anger, the tears, the fear, the insecurities...the moodiness that can engulf me, the "fuck-off" attitude that i exude...and still...ur always there for me...and still you love me for the veritable muddle of passionate emotions that i am.

We don't talk as much...and its my fault, because i don't put in enough effort to keep in touch. But ur always there for me. When i feel like shit...when i feel like crap...whenever the chips are down for me...you always call or msg just to find out how i'm doing. And i really appreciate it...so much =). Sometime ago i said ur cold and objective. I was wrong...you're all heart Yi Xian...just like me...but i admire ur ability to not let ur emotions get the better of you when the occasion calls for it. I learn how to weigh the options and sometimes make what *seems* like the wrong decision but what my head tells me is the right call....I've only ever done it once (hey...its a start =p) but, you taught me how to. Maybe we'll talk about it over lunch one day. Love you YiXian. =) (and i don't throw that word around lightly yea =)

Ladies....confidence is sexy...

2006-07-28T14:21:00.000+08:00

Seeing as good humour made the list of desirable traits 9...i sorta thought i'd even it out a little and make the list 10. Now...just so you know, this *is* purely personal...its not gospel truth (it is true for 75% of the male population though =p) so don't crucify k...

Confidence...men are attracted to confidence. A lady who can walk into a bar, and strike up a conversation with a guy that catches her fancy...now there is something i find incredibly sexy and attractive. The flipside is that individuals start condemning and saying..."she's a whore/slut". Its just an unfortunate stereotype...much like girls go weak at the knees for suave guys who aren't afraid to turn on the moves (or so i've been told), guys (like myself) find women who aren't afraid to come up to you and strike up a conversation very very appealing.

Of course naturally traditionalists would say, "But the guy has to make the first move!" Yea...i agree with that....to a point. Its the 21st century, things are moving forward and quite frankly the thinkings changed a little. Most of the time (generalising) when a bloke tries to chat up a chick...she won't turn him away (unless he's really greasy and been making an arse of himself where she can see). Purely for the simple reason that, they're flattered. It is obviously rather flattering when a complete stranger walks up to you and tries to strike up a conversation. It sends the message that the person finds you appealing, and would like to get to know you better...and much like the ladies find it flattering, we normal blokes do too. Apart from being flattered, there is a certain amount of intrigue involved...blokes sometimes ask themselves, "why is she talking to me?" And the intrigue about what she wants from him, be it a relationship, a drink at a bar, or just purely getting to know each other better, keeps the conversation going.

That being said, aforementioned confidence has been known to backfire. Nothing is more cutting than going up to lady and saying "Hi" than to be given "the stare"...you know....the stare that makes you feel 2 feet tall and like something that she'd scrape off the bottom of her heel. Its really quite unsettling...and damages the ego somewhat. Guys do it too...and the sad thing is its all based on the first physical impression.

Guys hardly approach women because we always feel, that we're gonna get shut down...boys...sorry misconception. Just think about it, they dress up, put on makeup and *always* look good on a night out...who do you think they dress up for? (apart to look in the mirror and say "girl you looking hot tonight!"). Its logical, women wear nice things to attract prospective mates...thats us...which means if we don't go up and talk to them...that just defeats the whole purpose and we're not fulfilling our side of the bargain now are we =p.

Women never approach men, because they feel that we're gonna judge them based on appearances...ladies, *gross* misconception...thats not always the case. Unless the blokes a gross primma donna, who places looks above everything else, the average joes like myself really don't mind making friends at all. Just try it once in awhile, you may be pleasantly surprised...or at the very least get a free drink. So once in awhile...just walk up to a guy u find marginally attractive, or u wanna get to know better and say hi...You may just meet the right bloke...frank confidence is hot...at least to me anyway...

Guys aren't always out to look for the most beautiful woman or the most sexy. Sexy is subjective. Like i said, i find confidence one of the most sexy things a woman can have...the way she carries herself...that is sexy. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway, its so subjective...and besides...the more you look at something, the more appealing you find it. So sometimes when a lady comes over to say hi to a man, more often than not, the blokes either thinking, "wow...she's amazing, and she's talking to me?!" or "Confidence...i like that...lets see where it goes from here." Bottomline is, blokes never expect a gorgeous woman, (all women look hot on a night out) to walk up and strike a conversation...it doesn't usually happen...And when it does, more often that not its a very pleasant surprise...you'd have caught the mans attention (all of it) and focussed it on urself...and if the chemistry's there...everyone goes home feeling alot happier. So ladies, the next time ur out at the mall, or at the bar and you see someone you think you might like...go for it, cuz more often than not...it'll work out...

In retrospect...

2006-07-27T01:29:00.000+08:00

I was sorta reading through some of my blog posts last night...sorta trying to reelaborate on ideas i've adressed in the past. And i realised...when it came to listing the traits i found desirable in women....i missed out possibly the most important trait of all. Something that i find so appealing and important...and yet take for granted all the time.

Laughter...thats what i find so extremely attractive in a girl. A girl with good humour is something i find extremely appealing. It doesn't matter if she's laughing at me, or with me or at random stuff....the important thing is she knows how to laugh. Now stop looking at me weird and hear out my rational....

Now, some people may find excessive laughter annoying...at some point i might too...particularly if i dislike the individual (men and women alike...yes, slightly biased...but we all are...=p). However, in the event i have intentions on the lady =p, humour is something that definitely makes me tick. Its not something i actively go looking out for...as like most guys i'm marginally superficial and looks do count somewhat. But once all the skin deep beauty is stripped away, and the novelty of it wears off, a girl who can laugh at my lame ass jokes, laugh at my nonsense behaviour, laugh at herself, laugh at the things she has done or will do or is doing....now thats a major plus point.

I've gone out with girls and thought "hey...somethings not right here...theres something missing." And never been able to place a finger on it...but now that i look upon it in retrospect...its the laughter and good humour absent. Laughter has a way of...making light of many situations...puts people at ease, and any girl who can laugh alot is surely someone who can (occasionally) let her hair down and have fun. And any girl who can have fun...is high high up in my books.

And i'm sure its not just me...ask any guy out there....Blokes appreciate a lady who can genuinely laugh at the crap they spout. A good laugh from a woman is just about as pleasing as a coy smile, or the briefest of brushest. Plus, it makes me feel like i can, if nothing else, at least put a smile on her face...which is above all one of the most important things in *any* relationship....

edit**
but thinking about it...a consipicuous lack in laughter and general good humour may be a subtle (or not so subtle) hint (conscious or subconscious) from a woman that may just be spelling out..."piss off dude...ur not making any headway over here"....Thoughts anyone?

Really?

2006-07-25T14:07:00.000+08:00

I'm bloody back in action! if you've been following the blog for awhile, its been pretty emo for the last 2 weeks or so. (Sorry la...been having a rough time) But honestly, i'm sorta over it and bouncing back stronger than ever! =)

Now, i'm technologically impaired...thats why there aren't very many pictures...because i have no idea how to arrange them properly yadayadayada and posting up a few pictures takes me hours...i kid you not. And in reference to being technologically challeneged, i don't blogstalk...not much anyway...i read a few friends blogs etc etc...but i'll tell you one thing, emo-ness is contagious...i swear it is. Everyone's blog is just so emo its not funny...and as usual, the one thing being blogged about is the perennial love bug...predictable... As always, this love thing confuses me and i've decided to outline the whole process as observed by myself...and yes....whatever it is that is personal experience...=p

Now, falling in love is fairly simple...Boy meets girl (or girl meets boy, lets not discriminate here) and there is *some* chemistry. Now, there we have a platform...depending on whether the guy (or girl) continues to show interest with the partner reciprocating positively, the outcome is hugs and kisses. (In a very positive way...=P)

Just for the record, i'm not saying a relationship is all hugs and kisses....but thats how it starts...even before you're "officially" in a relationship you sorta do go out of your way for someone u like. Or could see yourself liking, or have some sort of interest in. You msg him/her alot...then sorta proceed to long telephone calls, while organizing dates and meet-ups in the interim. And then after awhile (doesn't matter how long) you sorta realize you like one another alot (or enough) and decide to go steady. Now there are plenty of ways to go steady with someone. You could pop the question, e.g scenario 1: (which i swear actually happened)

Boy: Hey...did u hear X&Y are dating?
Girl: Yea i did!
Boy: Man...so fast horr....seems like everyones hooking up....
Girl: Yea...i know.....
Boy: So.....wanna go steady with me? *starts praying*
Girl: *Coyly* Yea...ok...=)

Now this sorta thing does happen. Its either that or u get so close after awhile that everyone starts *assuming* you're goin out with the girl...and u say (vehemently), "*No* lah! She and I just good friends only!" Now when that happens...alot of stuff goes through a guys head. (I'll start speaking from a guys perspective now...cuz i'm a guy...and who knows what goes through a womans head...anyone who would like to contribute, feel free to let me know and i'll learn how to get a guest blog in...=P) As i was saying, when that happens, the guy goes through a plethora of emotions and many many questions filter through the blokes head....

Let me say first and foremost, that there is no such thing as true love without friendship, and no such thing as friendship without love. You can't befriend someone who you don't love as a friend. Love comes in many different shapes and on so many varying levels. However, you cannot possibly hope to have a functional relationship with someone you don't see as a friend. I mean sure, if u love the girl alot you'd do anything for her (and vice versa...i hope =p). So very often you hear comments from guys like, "If u *really* like a girl, don't take a wrong turn into the 'friend zone' *dum dum dummmmmm*". In my personal opinion, thats bullshit...friends can always get hitched, and only the most idealistic situations are those where the chemistry is of such a level that you naturally like the person alot and sorta bypass the whole friend stage.

There are 2 ways this works (in my opinion la...don't start crucifying me all if i'm wrong...=p):

One, you hook up...and have *alot alot* of fun...and then later in the relationship u start to see things about the other that u've never noticed before,for girls the fact that the guy farts out loud...burps alot and rearranges his junk in public....just little niggling nonsense like that. For guys, the fact that she suddenly starts talking...all the time (never stops), freaks out at the smallest thing (mini-zit...or *just* and "A" at college) and generally irritates you with her idiosyncracies. Now, if u really love the person, you'll learn to live with all this shit...cuz its no biggie...its all about give and take, alot of tolerance is required for a relationship to work out...and fighting about everything is somewhat assumed knowledge. That being said, its not healthy to fight all the time...if you keep fighting, then maybe you really aren't meant for one another...cuz lets face it, if u *really* like the bloke/girl then you'd make the sacrifice...if you like ther person...but not enough....then u fight. Its just about how much ur willing to take...and how much u can give. And after the dust settles down, if you're both still hanging around you sorta realize how much u really love the person and wouldn't mind hanging out for the rest of your life yadayadayada....

In the second scenario, the two of you are really really good friends and theres some underlying chemistry...and when ur parents ask you the question, "you going out with her arr??"...thats when u sit down and ask urself....would u really mind going out with her? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes the answer is no...either way, the choice is purely subjective...Its not always that 2 friends can get involved in a relationship, but sometimes, you're so close that taking it to the next level seems like the natural thing to do. That being said, theres gotta be some kinda underlying attraction....if you're close to the point where the girls like a sister to you...now thats just incestuous...but if u really like the girl...give it a shot, you may be pleasantly surprised...or gently let down...either way u may or may not lose out on something beautiful.

I've heard it said that if you go into a relationship, be prepared to never be "just friends" ever again with the girl. On some levels thats true...but i believe its applied alot more to the first scenario...If 2 good friends decide to take the relationship to the next level...it more often that not usually works out...(but i could be wrong so do enlighten me). If 2 ppl with amazing chemistry sorta plunge right in...and can't stand the others idiosyncracies, then hailat.com.my la...nothing much to talk about...u actually won't ever be "just friends". Breaking up is hard to do , or so i've been told la...(never having been in a relationship i really don't profess to be an authority.) But I'm of the opinion that if you're both mature about the breakup, there isn't really a reason why a basic friendship can't continue. However, that being said the friendship must first and foremost be in place before an actual "friendship" can occur...if the guy sorta just talks to the girl with a hope to hooking up...there isn't really anything to fall back on.

And Sometimes...to get over a particular situation u just stop talking to a person for an extended period of time...i know, cuz that i've actually been through...it hurts just to see them around with another person, or even just to see them cuz u actually did like the person alot...just not enough...and sometimes ur filled with regret, but hey....thats life...shit happens...just look forward to the future. =)

Personally, i'm of the opinion that love actually is everything that its cut out to be. Its actually worth fighting for, being brave for. Its a huge risk, but its worth risking everything for. And the trouble is if you don't risk everything...you risk even more. You raise all the "what if's" all the "maybes". Personally i've never experienced Love in its truest form. But if even infatuation, (which is a precursor to "love" u might say) induces such a flux of emotion, ranging from euphoria to devastation...what more love.

I just think the best way to live life is in the present. Forget planning for the future. Theres no point. It may be slightly altruistic to suggest, "que sera sera" what will be will be...however, thats all there is to it. I'm not going into a relationship praying for forever...it gives you wayyy too much false hope. And the higher you climb...or the more expectation you place on something, the harder and the more painful the fall. But on the flipside theres no point going into a relationship thinking that its inevitably going to fail, what would be the point right?

My outlook on a relationship is that, theres no point going out and test driving every "model" you think will be a good option. Pick your relationships carefully...and get to know the person well...and if you accept their faults, inadequacies and idiosyncracies...go for it. It may be easy for me to say "go for it" in lieu of the view that i've never been in a relationship, but thats what makes it great, I have no fear of the unknown. Its human nature to approach the unknown with a deep sense of trepidation, but if u dive right in...the water may not be as cold as it seems.

You can't expect ur better half to be perfect. There are things that if you can accept, you should. If forever doesn't happen... have a good cry, move on and cherish the memories, because they are the most beautiful posessions one can take away from any realtionship. And if forever DOES (somehow) happen...then cherish it like ur most treasured possesion. Because forever hardly happens. And when it does, grasp it with both hands, tightly, and never let go...

"Find someone to love...and when you do, live everyday as though it were your last."-Alfie

Note to self (A New Slate)

2006-07-23T00:32:00.000+08:00

Its time...time for me to go back to Sydney. To hit the books again. I've slacked off in the last semester...but this time i won't fail myself...and my family. I'll prove to myself that i can be more than just wallowing in mediocrity....because i am meant for greater things. *sigh* mistakes mistakes mistakes....

Discipline...i need it. Somethings gotta give. I want sports...i want studies...i want my rest...and my music. So i need to give up party time. Or at least indulge in it sparsely. So thats what i have to sacrifice...my partying. (which is a majority at any rate)

Its a new semester, i've put the past behind me...i got no ties, no baggage, nothing to bog me down. I'm starting a new slate, and i need to do the right thing. Just remember that Jules, do the right thing...always. =)

"Its always helpful to learn from your mistakes because then your mistakes seem worthwhile" - Garry Marshall

"If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down." - Mary Pickford.

"When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future, is yet in your power." - Hugh White

Half Full

2006-07-13T02:18:00.000+08:00

Its kinda weird...i sorta thought my life was in the pits...and then ah ma got admitted to hospital...and Tim just went for an operation...which noone told me about...but its my fault cuz i never tried finding out about him. I haven't even seen him since i've been back. And he's my godbrother...i mean...what kind of human being am i really?

He's been through so much...muscular atrophy since birth. Imagine not *ever* being able to run around and do things that all the other kids could...I can't do it for a few weeks and i feel like i've lost an arm...he's never been able to do it all his life...I couldn't imagine walking around knowing that i'm imperfect. I'm not saying i'm perfect now...far from it. Just taht physically, God has made me perfect...i have 2 arms...2 legs...and everything works fine. Tim struggles to walk. And yet...he always has a smile on his face. Always. And he's never let his disability get in the way of anything...he drives to work everyday on his own...earns the money to help Aunty Judy out...and pay for his hospital bills. And you think...gee...a guy like that should really get something back no?

But then you find out that when he was a kid, he had an operation to straighten his backbone so he could walk normally...only the doctors botched it up...and couldn't fix it cuz they hadn't the money, or the technology available. And by the time they could, it was far too dangerous because the nerves on his spine had already fused to the iron rod the inserted into his back...and his young body wouldn't be able to take another operation...fragile as it was. So he's only about 5'2...and still he smiles. Does his work...comes home...and lives his life happy.

Tim once said, "My disability means nothing. Sure, i can't run like the others, or jump...but I am lucky that God has given me a sane mind, and i make the most of it everyday... and do everything i can." How many human beings can do that? I admire his tenacity. For as long as i can remember, i've always thought that one of my strong points was my perseverance and ability to stick things through. But next to him...I just feel so fickle. I think about myself and complain about things....and he...he just takes them in his stride and moves on. Sure, they may not be very big strides...nor very fast strides...but he keeps on moving...relentlessly, surely as the river flows to the sea. As surely as the sun rises as the east. As surely as tommorow comes he walks on...determined.

Yesterday, he went for an operation to finally remove the rod from his spine. And he just got out today...i don't know how he's doing...but aunty Judy says that the operation seems to have been a success...he can move his arms and legs...he can speak...and he's eating. The next time his feet touch the floor...i pray he can walk. And i hope to see him the next time i walk up his garden path...or his up mine. To see that crooked smile of his, that makes him seem 6 feet tall..and broad as a mountain, that always says to everyone around, "Sure...i got it hard...but shit happens. At *least* i can still do some things with my life."

For you Tim, I'll gladly shed tears. Tears of sadness...tears of joy...tears of love...and tears of hope...for your story has brought to me a realization that there are more things to life than myself and my problems. I'll pray for you. Get well soon....and walk again, for i believe in miracles. And for all those who read this, pray for him....

Irritate...

2006-07-12T12:35:00.000+08:00

Not a-bloody-gain...legs screwed...thumbs screwed...and season starts in 12 days...

Don't do this to me again...I just got better...i can't take it anymore...this damn body of mine is gonna fall apart.

I've failed my accounts as well...and all the rest of my exams are undecided...

If it doesn't go well...no sports. As it is...might as well have no studies. Music is there...but brief.

Dads health is not good...and i'm stressing him out even more...which makes everything worse...

Ah Ma's in hospital...so's Tim...please get better soon...please...

I can't take this anymore...

So what do i do now?

The next...

2006-07-11T12:09:00.000+08:00

Just feel better-Aerosmith feat Steven Tyler

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If I'm coming or I'm going
It's not how I planed it
I've got the key to the door
But it just won't open

BRIDGE
And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't, I don't, I don't
It goes I never went before
But this time, this time

CHORUS
I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing to just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I'm a little far from the shore
And I'm afraid of sinking
You're the only one who knows me
And who doesn't ignore
That my soul is weeping

BRIDGE
I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have it seasons
Round and round it goes
And every day's a one before
But this time, this time

CHORUS
I'm gonna try anything to just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing to just feel better

I'm tired of holding on
To all things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting nowhere
I think I need a little help this time!

Yeah
[Guitar solo]

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing to just feel better

Snap...A beautiful paradox...

2006-07-11T03:54:00.000+08:00

"Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends...whether he may be equally capable of retaining them, is less certain."-Jane Austen

Just snapped. Doesn't often happen. A culmination of a lot of shit. And failing just brought it to an all time low. Its not the usual eruption of emotion...its more a detached sinking feeling. Life has a funny way of kicking you when ur down...but its things like these that help you move on in life...that scream at you to get up and face the world again...because tommorow will come...and you'll live. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You could hate a person...and hates a strong word...But what would be the point? You could like someone...but if you don't click...what would be the point? I suppose the key is tolerance...but then why tolerate something you don't like? Why study something you don't love? What is the point? Why take more than you can give? And why give more than you can take? What would be the point? But i guess thats just me...when i give something, I give completely and totally. Which is probably why i do well at things i love...because i give my all and everything to things i love. On the flipside when i dislike something it all goes wrong, my good opinion once lost, is lost forever... Sometimes you think you know urself and others and the things around you...when really...u haven't a clue....

Lifes a bed of roses...but roses have thorns that prick and burn when you least expect it. But its these pricks and burns that spur you on to greater things. Honestly...i couldn't give a fuck...not now...not ever...not anymore. I am a man of extremes...Love passionately...grief deeply...anger explosively but briefly...and hurt deeply. I live life as i deem it such and change for noone save God Almighty. Better to have lived and loved, than to never have loved at all. And better to have loved and grieved...for the sorrow is an indication of the love that was, is and always will be. For you can never truly hate someone, even your greatest enemy. Life is filled with such negativities...and life is far too short to be consumed by such negativities. For it is these negativities that spur you on to greater things. A spark that lights the cauldron of desire which simmers for however long is needed. An eternal flame. Its easy to look at a picture and spot the flaws...see the mistakes...detect the blemishes and dwell on the imperfections....Its always easier to criticize than to complement...but its human nature. To behold the beauty present in the lowliest creature...the intricate beauty of another, is hard. Not so much physical beauty...but the things that aren't out there and easy to spot. To appreciate individuals for who they are...takes some doing...I need to work on that. =)

Without experiencing bitterness how can one truly appreciate sweetness or success? We do not suffer by accident. Success is neverending...defeat never final. And I embrace both with open arms, for they come in tandem. With every everest you scale, a fall is imminent. And for every fall...something will pull you up to soar on eagles wings when u feel the cards are down and u least expect it. Paradoxically perfect...such is the beauty of life...

**edit**
Who am i kidding...can't just not give a fuck...thats not me....I'll always care...I care too much, because thats who I am. Always to the extreme....and thats the way i'll live my life.

Effort

2006-07-03T02:26:00.000+08:00

Time to put in the effort jules...its not gonna happen on its own...time for that perseverance to come into play. I do it my way.

.....

2006-07-01T22:57:00.000+08:00

Exams are over...i'm home...things are looking up...or not? Over the last month...a lot of weird shit has happened to me. I'm in this confused state. My emotions are...kinda screwed up...I have no idea whats goin on in my head, or my heart for that matter. That being said, i now do have a greater direction in terms of my career. A myriad of reasons have contributed to my enlightenment. Just had this chat with the old man, and its sorta struck me...i'm working for all the wrong reasons...i need to be working for myself. So that i'll be able to support my family and myself when i get older. I've sorta discovered a new focus and drive...but at a price too high. I'm not sure if its something that i'm willing to pay. How i'm gonna sort this out....we'll have to see. I do know this though...i'll do it. If it takes a day, a year, 10 years or till the end of time...I'll see it through. Because thats who i am.

8 Things I want about you

2006-06-13T18:31:00.000+08:00

Because i've been tagged by Sherve-i'm-short-get-the-munchies-at-night-and complain-afterwards-i-won't-fit-into-my-dress. =p

I'm meant to specify what traits i find attractive in a woman. Specifically 8 =P So...here goes...

1. I'm a fairly simple bloke...I really don't ask for much from my woman. However, i'll say that without a doubt there has to be *some* degree of physical attraction between the 2 of us. I mean...honestly...noone would go out with someone they found extremely physically repulsive. (This is a broad generalisation, so u'll have to spare me). That being said, attraction is a completely subjective thing. One man's meat is another man's poison. And somewhere out there is a someone for everyone. (at least thats what i think =p)

2. This'll sound a little weird, but she's got to be candid with me. I mean....i hate it when women beat around the bush for something. If you want this top, or that scent for ur 1 week anniversary (the celebrations keep getting shorter) *tell* me, and i'll gladly oblige. I know ya'll gonna hit me with this massive barrage of "But if a man *reallY* loves me, he'll know *exactlY* what i want." Ladies, refer to post "worries" on sherves blog for further information on the issue. Tell me what u want, i'm not psychic.

So be candid...I appreciate candor. I like straight shooting women (not rude though), just women with the confidence to tell me i'm acting like an idiot/look like a fool/*sound gay* etc.etc. Theres a fine line though, extended abuse will serve to deflate my ego (which is essential to every man) and cause me to love you less =p. However, if i *really* like you, I’ll stick through it.

3. I like a fiery personality. To an extent of course...fiery doesn’t mean eat me alive. Fiery means being willing to stick up for urself. To not take the shit that I’ll inadvertedly dish our from time to time and call me out on the stuff I say, without being rude about it. Girls that know how to stick up for their rights without being in-your-face aggressive about it is something I find attractive in a woman. There are girls who pugnaciously dare you to disparage something they have an opinion on...then set off on this massive witch hunt to crucify. That ladies...is a major nono. Having an opinion is great...standing up for it, better. Killing all in ur path who don’t agree...not so good....

4. I like a girl who knows how to have a good time. Honestly, if she’s gonna tell me, “Right hun, tonight’s girls night out...i’m goin out to XYZ”. I really won’t have a problem...at all. Everyone needs alone time...or time with friends...its a fact of life. That doesn’t mean come home drunker than a sailor, swearing like a fishmonger and having no recollection of the previous hours events. Fun is fine...just not till the point of no return yea....Its really cool to hang out with someone who won’t mind doing “fun” stuff....fun being just the normal, silly things in life like trying to make an eiffel tower outta chips at burger king, without my girlfriend repeatedly destroying the base because she’d find it embarrassing...=p Also, if she can have fun without me and on her own...thats a MAJOR plus point, cuz then I get to spend time with the boys without feeling guilty. =D (Also, any girl tat knows how to have fun on her own has to be good fun with me anyway. =)

5. That being said, I’d like a girl who occasionally knows when to kick me in the head and tell me I’m being stupid. Down to earth girls are something I find particularly attractive, and its an admirable quality in any event. But please...please do not tell me off every other hour. Being my girlfriend does not extend to telling me to buy new clothes, or throw away my lucky shirt that I wear to all my teams’ matches because its old and has holes. I have my mother to do that for me thanks. =)

6. Also, Ladies that are intellectually on par with me are a good thing. (Its not too hard, I’m not the brightest bloke). Girls who look at me with a vacant eyed stare and have dust between the ears are possibly one of the most undesirable things ever. No exception. Hot bimbos are just eye fodder. Period. But don’t treat me like an idiot. Intellectually on par may also mean intellectually superior. But just because ur doing a course in Law, and I’m doing one in arts doesn’t mean beat me into the ground with ur clearly superior intellect every time we have a discussion. Discussion means just that....DISCUSS....Not Julian bashing. I know I’m stupid enough without having you rub it in.

7. Now women have to be understanding. When I say understanding, I mean about the important things in life. Like why I’m sitting in the corner crying because my team has just lost the Champions League Final. Or why I’m dancing on the table top because Australia has just won the World Cup (hey, a man can dream). Also, don’t laugh at me when I get passionate about my football and rugby. Sports are an integral part of a mans life, and will not be made fun of. =P You’re welcome to join me in watching...or in watching me play. But if my team is losing, (on both counts) I’d like a hug and a kiss thanks, not a condescending, “AWWWW....thats OK...better luck next time”. Not on.

8. Finally, a girl that understands me. Knows what I like to eat, knows what I like doing on most given days. Just knows me. Is caring without being overbearing, understanding without being condescending. A girl that tries hard to make me happy, and yet is secure and confident enough to know that I’d move mountains for her as well. A girl that trusts in me and knows that I will love her as much as I can and has the strength to believe in me.

Now I don’t expect the girl of my dreams to have all the traits. Heck I don’t expect the girl of my dreams to have *ANY* of these traits. Love is blind, and I’m really quite happy to walk around blind. As long as the girl loves me, and can accept me for who I am, while making me feel like I’m doing something for someone. I mean, I like doing stuff for women and being appreciated for it is a major plus point. If she loves me and all my crap, my quirks, idiosyncrasies...and lets me love her with all my heart. That’s enough. Because love overcomes all. =)

-The heart has reasons of which reason knows nothinga-

Fly by

2006-06-08T19:47:00.000+08:00

Time just flies by. Its already the middle of the year. I've nearly finished a semester at uni...and i can't help but muse...what have i achieved? Its been a fun time...no doubt. I wake up when i please... i go to uni on a whim or fancy...at college we drink and make merry. But in the larger scheme of things, i haven't really made any progress as a human being. Or have i?

I'm disappointed that i haven't done more. That i haven't pushed myself to do the things i've been told i'm capable of. Dads often said...where better is possible, good is never enough. And everyday, reciting gong gong's mantra, "Today is a new day. Everyday in everyway, I am getting better and better". But am i? Academically...thats debatable. But in terms of character development...I'd like to think i have. Living at college has put so many temptations in my path i've had to be particularly diligent to ensure that i don't stumble into any potholes or pitfalls.

Yea...i know, i know...sounds like my usual idealistic drivel...But i find its good to search the soul once in awhile and dream about what u'd like ur personality to be like, were you perfect. Set the bar high, and even if u don't reach it you would have achieved alot. Without the bitterness of failure, how can one truly appreciate the sweetness of triumph? Success is never ending, defeat never final. One of the many things that Dads told me from time to time.

Over the last 6 months I have grown. To be a more responsible individual, aware of what i need to do. What can be done and what cannot. Its the choices we make that makes us the people we are. I'd like to think i've made the right choices that have been essential for my self edification and personal growth. I hope i have.

More mature? I'd like to think so. I head home in 3 weeks...i get to see my family again. I miss them alot. My brother's now 15. When i left home, he was 12. I couldn't stand the kid for a long time...but he made it no secret that he loved me. Words that touched my soul were, "kor...i wish i can be like you when i grow up." Am i an individual fit for my brother to model himself upon? incredibly flawed, marginally prejudiced, occasionally opiniated, obstinate...are these traits that i want my brother to have? Despite the way i treated him when he was a kid...i'm still his hero. Am i truly worthy of such adulation? Sometimes i'm glad i don't see enough of the kid...its time he made himself his own man. I know what its like to model urself on someone...and get constantly told ur never good enough. The endless yearning for approval...the perpetual desire to be better than you are...and as good as ur "model"

There are 2 reasons i constantly strive to be the best. One; So my brother has something good to model himself on. Two; So i can finally look my father in the eye and say "i'm at least half the man you are" and to have him pat me on the back and say, "Son...well done". Thats all i want to be. If i can be *halF* the man my father is, I'll be happy. Amid one recent angst filled-tear induced discussion amongst my old man and myself he asked me "Why are u like this?"
and my defiant reply was, "Because you are. Dad...to me you are perfect. Perfectly imperfect. U have ur flaws, but thats part of who u are...and I have modelled myself on u. I'm almost exactly like you dad...only in less extreme form. Ask anyone. I'm this way...because you are." 2nd time in my life i've seen my father cry. Mum pipes up and says, "Maybe you should start being you."

And today i ask myself that question. Am i me? Or am i just a performance? A facade to face the world? Who am i really? Its a question that i don't feel has an adequate answer as of yet. I live life for the moment. People ask me why I play everything by ear and take risks...Its so that i can find myself, for the person I am. That i can be my own man...and yet retain the qualities that i yearn for from my father. Resilience, single-minded determination, purpose, strength, foresight, Inspiration. My strength? Compassion....and passion. What they yield has yet to be seen.

Its been hard for me to constantly live up to my parents expectations...and my own gruelling evaluation. I'm a confident bloke...but maybe i need to kick back and give myself some credit once in awhile. Sometimes i'm happy for the kid that I'm not around. Get out of the shadow while u can kiddo...make ur own destiny. I'm not that great...take the good that u see in me...discard the bad. Trust me Jon...being a carbon copy is good...but overrated. =)

That being said, i stress them out alot. I'm intolerant of mum to a disgusting degree...But this time i go back it'll be different. I swear. I'll try me best to be good. I gotta learn how to give ground with her. When gong gong died, i regret forever that i never got to say sorry to him for shouting and being mean. And i never ever got to say goodbye in person, or tell him how much i really loved him. And i love mum too much...I never ever wanna regret anything about my relationship with my parents. Mum...I know u prolly aren't gonna be reading this, but I love you yea. I'll be better just watch. =)

My heart moves,
And i know deep down its time,
The winds of change are coming,
I strive to follow.

I ponder the streams of my life,
That ebb and flow,
The moon of existence that waxes and wanes,
With every passing month.

And everytime,
I feel i've hit rock bottom,
Theres light at the end of the tunnel,
Because a new day awakes and beckons.

And i soar once again,
On Eagle's wings,
Atop the thermals of subsistence,
Because i FlyBy...and Hope.

Briefly

2006-06-03T19:28:00.000+08:00

Well...no updates for awhile...just been really busy. Last week had this heaps mad performance. It was awesome! I'm not one to gush about how good everyone was...but seriously, this was the first time i've been to a performance and said that *Everyone* was amazing. The skits were hilarious...the musical talent on display was just thrilling...everyone was just so good! Stunning...simply stunning. Pictures will be up if i get any soon. =) 2 nights of absolute fun, and we raised over 800 dollars for an african kid. So i feel good now. =D

College informal was on Wednesday the 31st. It was awesome! Over 700 people were there! Packed to the brim...we woulda earned about 1000 bucks at least, for renovations to the college bar. Dancing all night long...a few drinks...beautiful ladies. What more can one ask for? =p That being said, the ladies towards the end were getting abit aggressive. Sorta felt like a piece of meat at the butchers getting eyeballed by 2 housewives neither or whom will back down. Hectic stuff. Its embarrassing to post on blog la...=P But some of you will know what i'm talking about...=p Australian women...*snorts*.

And to top it all off, I pulled a massive all nighter on Tuesday to finish an accounting exercise assignment that was due on Wednesday....which i had stupidly forgot (i know, i know...my own fault) about till Tuesday Morning. Wasn't worth anything...just an exercise...but still. To top it all off, i had to study for an accounting exam on Friday. While fitting in all my training and other important things. Oh well...my choice. =) Where better is possible good is not enough...so time to start pushing myself.

On another note, just briefly, how many individuals are stoked about the World Cup starting next week? I know i am! =D Australia qualified, so i'm obviously really really looking forward to it. =) A question that begs to be answered though is, Am i Australian? I've spent more time in Australia than i have at home for the last 3 years or so. Only goin back for 3-4 weeks every 6 months.

Its a question that i've been asking myself quite seriously. I can never figure it out though. I feel Malaysian for sure...i miss everything about home...the culture, the food! (how i miss the food...) The people...my friends, just...everything about home. =) That being said, i love Australia as well. Socially it appeals to me. The values that they hold true are some that i find admirable. Contrary to the stereotypical asian culture of "getting ahead" (Watch I not stupid for example) otherwise identified as "kiasu", Australians are alot more laid back. Maybe you'd call them lazy...but i'd rather say that they're content with what they have. Sure, being content with ur lot in life means that progress is hard to come by. But sometimes progress isn't exactly positive. If you're happy, who cares!? Australians are loyal, unpretentious, hold friendship and the value of "mateship" very highly. Socially, they have impeccable etiquette, punctual (unlike Malaysians like myself), polite (at their best) and friendly.

That being said, this isn't a travel brochure promoting the "greatness" of australian culture. At its worst, australians are typically redneck...aggresive, ignorant, rude and racist. They're an incredibly insular people and can be xenophobic. They love their country very much, and dislike foreigners coming in and depriving locals of job oppotunities and other things.

I guess, after weighing the pros and the cons of it all, I've decided that no matter where i stay, as long as i'm happy...it won't really matter. I love home. But i love australia too. However, theres so much about home that i haven't seen, or been. How am i a true malaysian when i haven't visited the east coast of Peninsula malaysia ever? Yet been to all the states of Australia. Theres so much unfinished business i have in Malaysia. People i love, mum...dad...Jon. Friends i need, Aaron...Gabs...Zee, Daph, Jia, Viv. U lot know who you are. =) People i *have* to meet...Actually...person *sherve* i have to meet. (Serendipity...bah =p)

But where i reside in the near future depends entirely on where my parents choose to stay. Dad hasn't been feeling well lately, and a change of weather would be good for him. He's no spring chicken any more. If they go. Then I go. But theres so much to do...yet so little time. It only seemed like yesterday my parents decided to send me off to boarding school. My brothers grown up without me there to watch his back...and inevitably some friendships have been strained.

I see my life panning out before my very eyes...and sadly i'm not liking the way its looking. What am i doing with my life...I'm not being particularly diligent in my studies...and i can't see myself confined to some office 9-5. I love my sport, but pro? Too hard...short shelf life, and chance of making it...tiny. Colts is fun enough as it is. =) So i've decided. If i fail academically next semester...Music is where i'm going. I'm gonna have to talk to dad...and see what i can work out. Music's always been my passion. Maybe i'll graduate...*then* pursue music...so many options...so many permutations. I don't know...its really confusing. Life isn't easy...but the people you love always make it easier. =)

**edit**
Went for dinner and came across a really good keyboardist playing at the pub! wasn't that he had really good chops are sound...he just loved it! The band was goin off...and at that moment...i really just wished that was me...Coincidence? Non... =)

Music from the Soul

2006-05-25T17:30:00.000+08:00

Music is indeed an integral part of my life. To have eyes but not to see is the biggest calamity, so said Florence Nightingale. But to have ears, and not appreciate the music around us...that is a travesty more so.

I was sorta digging through my albums the other day, (on my computer la...who buys CD's anymore...=P) and i found a song which i hadn't listened to in a long long time. Its without a doubt, one of my favourite songs and the lyrics to the song i find particularly poignant. The Calling's "Wherever You Will Go". Why?

Well...personally i feel its because its a song that reflects my emotions and attitudes towards life. Its brimming with naivete and the innocence of friendship or love...whichever way you choose to look at it. It hints at unrequited love...but a dogged persistance and the air of determination induced by the lyricist creates an indelible indent on the soul.

The song intimates a failed relationship due to mitigating circumstances...and the writer is melancholically reminicisant. However, not bitter. He (i''ll asumme its a he) is unusually confident in the fact that somehow, somewhere, he'll find a way back to her. Its not so much that he's perfect for her...more the fact that he *knows* they're perfect for one another. He worries for her...and the lyrics suggest that they're more than miles apart. But he's willing to wait. With the dogged resilience that is characterized throughout the soulful singing and lyrics, he has his regrets...but its not so much mistakes made...more the fact he wishes that she never left...and that he never let her go. Indeed, he wishes...he could go..."wherever you will go".

The Calling: Wherever You Will Go

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

CHORUS
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

CHORUS
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

BRIDGE
Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

CHORUS
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go

Ideally, this is the situation i wanna find myself in. Not the broken relationship la...more the acceptance...the resilience...and Hope. Cuz Hope is what drives us from day to day...and lifts us up, to soar on the thermals of Love. =)

Annoyed

2006-05-18T14:47:00.000+08:00

At the moment it would not be inaccurate to say that i am NOT a happy camper AT ALL! A myriad of annoying things have happened this week...and that really shits me. Yesterday was a great day actually, the only silver lining in my otherwise gloomy and overcast life. Good that is till Arsenal lost the Champions League final...oh well...shit happens, theres always next year (prays that Henry won't leave).

Other than that, i seem to be coming to terms with a number of my inadequacies...I suck at math...Dear Lord how i hate numbers...those despicable things suck the joy out of my life...and theres nothing I can do about it seeing as the majority of my course is dominated by...guess what! NUMBERS! Why you ask? Well...to cut a long story short, dad wasn't too keen on my doing journalism, and hey...he IS paying for it after all...so i really don't wanna argue with the old man. Suffer for 3 years, then i'm just gonna go nuts.

I've actually contemplated either:
i) doing sports competitively, i.e playing rugby league/union for a club (we both know i'm better than you ahmed =P) but i justneed to put on several thousand kilos of weight on....being fast isn't quite enough in this game. (sure, heart counts for some...but it does help if ur bigger than the other bloke).
or ii) playing music professionally, which is the more feasible option (of the 2 ridiculous ideas). I hate it how i can't read the music...i hate it how i suck at theory and yet am too lazy to learn. And most of all, i hate it how Monique keeps saying i'm good enough to make it, and yet i can't do a damn thing about it because my parents don't approve. Why oh why am i so damn filial? One of these days i swear i'm just gonna explode and do whatever it is i wanna do, without giving a flying fish what my parents think.

My body is in an otherwise wrecked condition...sore back, sore shin, sore metatarsal...ruck marks left right and centre...its all part of the game, but u reckon they'd be slightly more gentle with the little asian. =P Bah...i give as good as i get anyway...so what am i complaining about...just an outlet for my frustration la...its annoying having to strap up a million things everytime i go out to play or train...sometimes i feel like i'm held together with strapping tape. =P

On another note, ive recently become addicted to a number of songs...and the sad part is when i get addicted to songs, i dont listen to anything else other than those. Which means i've been listening to the same 2 songs for the last 72 hours or so. On repeat. Same 2 songs. Which is now just one. Marc Cohn is a good good musician. =)

Well...i'm off to training...on an ending note...i've been thinking for the last few days, (thanks to you stephaine) why oh why havent i been involved in a relationship? Fear? Commitment issues? Thats what i keep telling myself...i wonder if i'll ever muster up the balls to go through with it eventually. But like i said...gotta find that one elusive woman that makes me tick. She's out there...i just gotta grab a hold of her. =)

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edit: THIS IS BULL!!! I did NOT just bloody fail my accounts! ARGFGDHHHHHH!!!!!! dammit! This ANGERS me! This day CANNOT get ANY worse... DAMMIT!! AUSUHSIUFHSC:OIS:OIDDAUHOUSAhfdushho;uSD;OHUFAIUHFD;IUSAHFSD;!!!!!

Love and hate

2006-05-13T20:49:00.000+08:00

I found this particularly interesting...a friend of mine blogged that love and hate come hand in hand. And i must say i have to agree...to a point anyway. I wouldn't go so far as to say love is hate and hate is love. But rather heartbreak follows love around like a puppy dog nipping at its heels. When you turn around to pet it, it may bite you in the arm...But the funny thing is, love actually is everything that its cut out to be.

Thats why people are cynical about it. Its actually worth fighting for, being brave for. Its a huge risk, but its worth risking everything for. And the trouble is if you don't risk everything...you risk even more. You raise all the "what if's" all the "maybes". Personally i've never experienced Love in its truest form. But if even infatuation, (which is a precursor to "love" u might say) induces such a flux of emotion, ranging from euphoria to devastation...what more love.

The logic applied here was that love is an immediate precursor to hate...since love precedes hate in the event a relationship turns sour. However, i am of the personal opinion that no couple should engage in a relationship if they aren't ready for it.

Personally, i think the best way to live life is in the present. Forget planning for the future. Theres no point. It may be slightly altruistic to suggest, "que sera sera" what will be will be...however, thats all there is to it. I'm not going into a relationship praying for forever...it gives you wayyy too much false hope. And the higher you climb...or the more expectation you place on something, the harder and the more painful the fall. But on the flipside theres no point going into a relationship thinking that its inevitably going to fail, what would be the point right?

My outlook on a relationship is that, theres no point going out and test driving every "model" you think will be a good option. Pick your relationships carefully...and get to know the person well...and if you accept their faults, inadequacies and idiosyncracies...go for it. It may be easy for me to say "go for it" in lieu of the view that i've never been in a relationship, but thats what makes it great, I have no fear of the unknown. Its human nature to approach the unknown with a deep sense of trepidation, but if u dive right in...the water may not be as cold as it seems.

You can't expect ur better half to be perfect. There are things that if you can accept, you should. If forever doesn't happen... have a good cry, move on and cherish the memories, because they are the most beautiful posessions one can take away from any realtionship. And if forever DOES (somehow) happen...then cherish it like ur most treasured possesion. Because forever hardly happens. And when it does, grasp it with both hands, tightly, and never let go...

"Find someone to love...and when you do, live everyday as though it were your last."-Alfie

I know...i know

2006-05-09T14:12:00.000+08:00

Yes, yes, i know that the lot of you want pictures of the "Bad Taste Cruise" but be patient alright...it takes time to accumulate pictures...its hard to find ANY pictures at a Bad Taste Cruise let alone good pictures...oh sod it...Just hold on abit alright...there will be pictures coming up soon, be patient. As of now, just a few brief ones of St. Patricks Formal night...Unfortunately, most of the pictures with me are in my dates camera, so these are just casual pictures of everyone. One of the pics of me and a bunch of mates (that was on some random camera). Yes, i know black and white is boring, but freshers get bathed in beer at the end of the night...wasn't too keen on getting drenched. And yes...i did have to go to formal in that damned haircut...=p
Thats the College dining Hall all candled up on the night...with a mad ice-carving made up all compliments of the kitchen.Thats the ice-carving of a Shamrock/Clover, Symbol of Ireland...which was the theme for the night.
Alysha and Alyson showing the shamrock some sisterly love. =)

Trusty, the fag, thought it'd be funny to "dress up" for the night...LOL! =p

And some eye candy for the lads...a few of the ladies that go to college. Gotta go for training now...will upload later. cyaz =)

Women...

2006-05-05T20:00:00.000+08:00

Women...are unusual creatures. Much more complicated than men. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m an idiot with the proficiency of a 10 year old. (clearly my marks at university are reflective as such.) But...nothing on this planet could have prepared man for the advent of woman. (now now ladies...settle down...post just started...)

When God decided to take a rib off Adam, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t protesting...we men are generous blokes...donating a body part isn’t much of a problem. (Australians LOVE swapping body parts...does saliva count as a part?) Sorry...that was outta line. =p At any rate...my frustration is with women...why do they have to be so darn....different? Its like having a new toy that u really really like...and u really really wanna play with it...the only thing is that if u push the wrong buttons in all likeliness it'll break...your arm..or whatever offended it. Most of the time its the mouth...somehow my foot always ends up in there...talk about new age surgery...speak to a woman and it inadvertedly ends up there. Can be embaressing...

Now I may generalize marginally when I say this, but I’m allowed to since I’m talking about men...generalize about women and I’d get mob lynched...(yes yes...I know...Male Chauvinist Pig...so “stew” me...=p) Now, men all over the world, tall, short, fat, thin, black, white, yellow, brown or blue are the same. Its true...we are...there are only 3 parts to the male brain which I will attempt to explain best as I can:

1)Sports: That’s a no brainer...a guy that doesn’t love sports...well...i’ve never met one...even the most unathletic of us loves sport (if only to visit the pub...or in Malaysia the mamak with a bunch of kakis)

2)Alcohol: This one...even more self-explanatory...i’ll admit that not all men love alcohol, or getting drunk (I’m one of them...the getting drunk part at any rate) but alcohol is pretty much a big part of our thinking facilities. Every man has a favourite alcoholic drink...this is a truth that cannot be refuted...and that’s why alcohol constitutes thinking...we need to think about our favourite drink and what it is...so that when the inevitable question, “So...what do u drink?” comes along it can be answered with a smug, “Well you know, I don’t mind a good old tiger if I’m feeling a bit under the wind, but Johnny Black will be fine. If I feel like splashing out then there’s Johnny Green but hey, any alcohol is good eh? *insert fake laugh*” (Tiring work fabrication is)

3) Women: Now as much as we find them complicating, we love(need) em. Men love women...it’s as easy as that...no two ways about it. We can’t live without em...not entirely sure I can live with them but...ok I better not say anymore...yet (*looks around fearfully for perennial woman with rolling pin*). Women complete us...where we have a biological incapacity to lift up the toilet seat (do u know how HARD that is!) and keeping a general state of tidiness, women are the opposite. They NEED cleanliness...apparently cleanliness is next to Godliness...clearly women are closer to God than men. (And even if they don’t NEED cleanliness, a woman’s “dirty” is a man’s “clean” different standards u see)

Now why do we love(need) women? Its simple...they do things we won’t...no sane man will clean house (till he knows his mothers coming to visit...thats when the garbage man has a field day) they worry about things we don’t care about (such as money...and clothes...while we just worry about how our football team’s doing) and most importantly...if they love us...they stick with us through all the nonsense we make them endure. Or so I’ve been told...I’d like to believe this one...ever seen a physically unattractive man with a woman who has ur eyes burning out the back of your head? Some endearing quality here no doubt. Please factor in Mick Jagger effect (explained in earlier post)

They aren’t as fickle as us...and they love us for who we are...men on the other hand are capricious bastards who think nothing of throwing away women like the next chocolate wrapper as soon as she has exceeded her used by date. I’ve never been in a relationship in my life...so I can’t really be lumped into the target demographic, but I’ll freely admit that an attractive woman has a lot more staying power than a girl u find “cute”. Hey, hey! Put down the knives! At least I’m being honest...please refer to aforementioned earlier post for clarification on attractiveness before you crucify an innocent man. Women are everything we are not....which means caring, loving, clean...faithful and above all...they actually have sex with us...I mean...what would we do without them? =P (Although i must admit that if they just shut up shop the human race would cease to perpetuate...talk about no pressure...explains why they still do it =P)

Now to any who disagree, men aren’t always faithful since we have a genetic predisposition to sow our wild oats as far and wide as possible thereby ensuring the continuation of our lineage. And, men are caring and loving only enough to make YOU caring and loving...when you’ve fallen for the “sweety pies” and “Honey Bunches” or whatever the slang is nowadays for “ur my girl” they let you do the caring and loving for them. Which women love to do anyway since they’ve got more than enough love to share...that’s what I love about em...complicated as an engineering problem with chemistry thrown in to match, explains why we men can never understand the physics of women. But by and large women are feisty (when annoyed), but good hearted. An irrepressible generosity, usually above average intelligence (the average being males) and A LOT of love to share around complete the mocktail mix (alcoholic or otherwise...they’re never the same) that is woman...And that’s why we love them.

Now, you’ve probably noticed that I haven’t said why I find women complicating...well because I can’t...they’re just so complicating it’s too complicated to explain. Their complexities complicate the innate complications that they complicate. (oooh headache). I’ve just kind of accepted the fact that every woman is different and a unique roller coaster ride in her own right...woman aren’t like exams...u can’t prepare for them, and u can’t EVER solve their eternal mystery...I guess all we can do is try (inadequately of course) to love them heart, mind and soul...ahhh women...u (think u)know one...2 billion to go. =)

Couldn't resist...

2006-05-05T01:18:00.000+08:00

Lol! Its been a long long night..but somehow i just couldn't resist. Adeline (a good friend of mine) is contemplating going to a residential college (or hall of residence)...and there i've just blogged about the insanity that pervades the very soul of College life. But hey...you gotta love it. =)
At any rate, i'll just let the pictures do the talking...Here's Scraps (how he got his nickname is another story), a mate of mine passed out on the floor after drowning his sorrows due to aforementioned rugby game. (see earlier post)

In case you're wondering what that is...think Bruce Almighty...only in real life. =P Ahh...the effort we put in to play pranks on our college mates is amazing. (weren't enough post-its so we made do with newspaper)

And i'll end the post with pictures of all of us getting "initiated" with our fresher haircuts...You know...its just a beautifully vicious cycle...we get to torture next years freshers. So really...i can't wait =P (And yes...we actually had to walk around Uni like that for a week and abit...the response was...entertaining=p)
Yes...that does say what you think it says. (We go to alot of the same lectures...and when u walk in late..and have to sit up the front...and the whole hall gets to see ur colourfully worded...head...provides comic relief u understand =P)

Now this is Pat...a member of Australia's Under 19 Rugby Team...its also 3 days before the u-19 world cup. As such, a makeover...was clearly in order...(He shaved ALL the hair on one side of his body...and i mean ALL...)Yes...that is a penis...and it does spit if stroked. (wait..that came out wrong...)

Thats part of "The Dail" the college bar...where the butchering was done. Thats me in the green up the back waiting for my turn. (wondering how to escape...abit hard to do when there a vicious seniors around wielding razors...how else do u think they got us so bald...)

And i'll end with my head...apparently it was a "Mr T" (from the A Team...i was meant to be him...only with less bling) and yes...i'm bleeding...and yes...it did sting...All that said, it was a fun experience...and brought us together as a group slightly more. (Hey...strength in numbers...uni's not so fun when u look like a retard & still bleeding from 12 places the next day)

Till next time...more updates on college life. =P

Bare...just a little...

2006-05-04T09:44:00.000+08:00

My blog seems to be getting a little bare...so i thought i'd just learn how to post a few pictures of me and my life in Sydney...*WARNING! Some images may be marginally disturbing!* (Funny though)

Thats my residential college in the University of Sydney, St. John's College. Looks like something out of a movie...and its amazing to actually live in one. (Not so much the ambience, but more the tradition and way of life here)

Thats a party we had during orientation week...suffice to say there was much alcohol and close to everyone was shit faced. Fun though. =P (Thats the back of college and those are the playing fields yonder.)

Thats me (i'm the only asian...how hard is it to pick me out =P) and a few mates just chilling having a few beers. Sometimes life at college is just one big party...its unsettling. Its almost as if university is auxilary to college...when it should really be the other way round...but we don't think much when we're having fun and sculling beer bongs. On that note, i'll leave to do some work...mid semesters tommorow. Next up...freshmen haircuts and bad taste cruises...stay tuned for images that will have you splitting ur sides with laughter. (just a little sneak preview)

Thats me and Daphne (one of my best mates from home). Incidentally, she's in sydney as well...but anyway, thats me before....my haircut.

And this is the aftermath of a good ol senior ragging session...what can i say...college. =)

Ahhh...life plays funny tricks on us

2006-05-03T00:07:00.000+08:00

Don't you just hate it when life plays funny tricks on you? I mean...we know that its good for you to wake up early and sleep early...but everyone inevitable sleeps late and gets up later *raises hand in shame* usually around the region of lunchtime. Makes the clock a little screwed. Unfortunately for me, all my tutorials are on Friday. Clearly this means that i have NO motivation whatsoever to go to Uni other than to attend tutorials...as a consequence, i don't attend uni till Friday...how shithouse is that...unbelievable.

On a slightly more upbeat note, its that magical time of the year where romances fall apart. (Yes, you heard me...romance falls apart) Clearly, this means that my previous post about "I'd do it all over again" has just been rendered obsolete...all in the space of 3 grand weeks...or less. Now before you lot start judging me as a fickle bastard, let me just say that i'm not exactly big on the commitment. And sad as it is, i'll admit that i'm particularly skeptical about Love in general....No no! Don't get me wrong...i'll be the first to admit that the sight of a couple intoxicated on the fruits of Cupids labour is easily one of the most beautiful sights in the known universe.

BUT...i have yet to experience it (i mean...short bouts of infatuation are fine...but after 4 months...it gets old.) And after awhile, all the "Classic Symptons" start wearing thin and u think...gee...love really is cut out to be everything it is...but u realise...that with every high experienced, there has to be a low. Its inevitable. Absolutely inevitable. Its not something that you can control or manipulate. Love is followed by heartbreak. Such is the natural order of things. I mean...even the most perfect of relationships have their moments. (Unless of course the poor guy lets the girl trod all over him, at which point its ok...=p) Love is a funny, fickle thing...Hugh Grant was right...it is all around us...much like riches and alcohol...but we just need to do the right things to get it. Clearly i'm doing something wrong. Anyone willing to sport a crash course in "Falling in Love 101"? (Contact me if you do)

Other than that, there seems to have been no major controversy in the world as of late...I mean, theres nothing short of a million shocking incidents which i am SURE are taking place in the world at the moment...unfortunately we can't worry about everything...thats not the way things work. It just isn't. Such is life. I know theres the whole post-modern philosophical approach of "is life even real"? Good ol' Descartes and his "I think therefore i am" (the idea he was implying was that the only thing he could be truly sure existed was himself...and everything else could just be an illusion) theories. Sometimes asking too many questions just gives u a massive migraine. Personally (and yes, i do know that it is marginally idealistic) but, I say that in life, there are certain things you have to accept, or you'll just never ever be content with your lot in life.

Parents will tell you "thats the problem with the younger generation...no fire in their belly" but all they want to see is you in a better position than them. But what if i don't want to be better off than them? What if my idea of "better" is living my life as a fisherman on the beach, fishing my days away, swimming in the ocean, completely self-sufficient and loving it? It may be a rather westernised way of thinking, that my kids will make their decisions for themselves, and they'll do what they wanna do...but asian culture is intrinsically linked to parents having a responsibility to provide "whats best for the children". But "best" is just a parents perception of "best" may not be the childs. Arghhh!!! So confusing...to do...or not to do...(see what i mean...questions actually do give u headaches). I'll just accept...that all parents are the way they are...and all kids are the way they are (what u are witnessing now folks, is the ancient act of escapism). I just wanna kick back, enjoy uni...play my rugby...and live life a happy, albeit rather lazy, individual...thats what i reckon is the best part about it. Ahhhhh....acceptance...gotta love it. =)

What it means to be Johnsmen

2006-04-27T18:33:00.000+08:00

Well...there are moments in our lives where we are disappointed by the outcomes of particular events. Yesterday was no exception. The singular biggest rugby game of my life, and we lost it by a miserly try.

You wouldn't understand the meaning of heart, blood, sweat and guts unless you'd have watched that game yesterday. It was played at a frenetic pace, phase after phase after phase. Ruck, pick and drive. Ruck, pick and drive. Backline move. Run the ball, Kick, Chase. Hectic stuff. Constant nonstop action. Tackle after tackle. No fear...everyone on that field put in 100% and more. It was great. To know that if someone hit you, your mate would be there in the yellow and green of Johns'... to hit him back and put his body on the line for you, in the trust that you would do the same for him. (Which you would-no question)

It was the stuff of dreams. A scrappy game, a tight contest. Played under the lights, in the pouring rain...The opposition crowd baying for blood each time you got the ball. Abusing you everytime you did something well for your team, inadvertedly spurring you on to put in every ounce of effort just to show them the stuff we're made of. And boy did we show them. Our team had none of the bluster or bluff that they did. We didn't have any rockstar or superstar players. Our forward pack was makeshift, our backline inexperienced by comparison. But we had ticker...we had the heart. We brought it to them and dictated the game to them. When we were on the tightrope we defended on the line for phases at a time. And we clearly were without a doubt the more solid team. As is said in every cliched speach...there is no "I" in team. And yesterday, as a team, we proved it.

Their try came at the death on the buzzer...there wasn't even time to take the conversion kick. But everyone of us could walk of the field with our heads held high, knowing that we played our hearts out. Cutch with his torn rib cartilage, watto with torn ankle ligaments. Bobby with a torn knee ligament. The list goes on. We were the walking wounded and (pardon the language) we had them shitting bricks. With tears streaming down most of our eyes, we sang our song after the game, knowing that we didn't deserve the igonomy of losing this match. But to have the Andrew's team form us a guard of honour and cheer us off the pitch...that meant something. That meant that tonight, we won the respect of each and every single one of the broken Andrew's boys, as they will testify after being run over by our players time and time again. Will they mock us? For sure...but we'll invite them over to our oval for a game anyday...and we know that the next time (if there is a next time) we'll hit them harder then ever and we will win. Because in terms of heart...our ticker is second to none...And that, is what it means to be Johnsmen...heart.

Random Rantings

2006-04-11T18:11:00.000+08:00

Its been a bloody long time i know...but things have just been way way wayyyy to hectic. Just a quick update, i live at a residential college at the moment, in the University of Sydney. Its called st. John's College...and i'm telling you its the closest thing to debauchery and hedonism that you find this side of the hemisphere.(i kid you not) Orietation week was just one long long drunken haze (which tended to be annoying due to large memory gaps) and filled with rediculous activities (that tends to happen when your a freshman) a majority of which involved nudity and running through the halls of the nearest women's college. Its been about 6 weeks now...and things seem to have tamed down slightly, but on the whole its still bloody hectic(it can't be helped...we have our own bar in college...go figure). That also means that unless i start bucking up and working my arse off...my education is going down the drain.

I mean, i know that education is a bitch and uni is definitely overrated...but still, it is a dog eat dog world out there and as much as i hate to admit it, that damn piece of paper is going to help you on your way sometime in life. I just find it annoying how individuals are judged on their material achievements, particularly in Asian culture...i mean, sure being a doctor or a lawyer is a great achievement and coming in top of your class is indeed something to be proud of, i take nothing away from that. But does it honestly make you more of a person that the next? more of an individual than the kid who comes last in class everytime? I'm of the very idealistic view that as long as you try your best, no-one can fault you.

Unfortunately, the saying that "your best is not enough" is really put into effect at family dinners...particularly when your relatives ask you, "what are you studying now arr?" and you reply head held high, "arts" defiantly holding their gaze daring them to say something disparaging about your chosen field. Of course, being typical reloes, they do just that, "HAH!! GO TO UNI TO DO ARTS FOR WHAT!" Thats when it becomes bloody hard to hold their gaze, and when everyones gaze becomes fixated on your arty farty arse, you feel so low that u just wanna sink into the lowest gutter and stay there.

On a completely separate note, whoever still reads this decadent blog (seeing as i haven't posted in yonks and the community that still reads my random posts probably have thrown me into the perrenial elepahant graveyard, will be glad to know that i rescind my disparaging remarks on the earlier post "that time of the year" where i disdainfully waved aside effect of hormones on your brain that others like to term "Love".

i'm not sure if i've been transfixed by that vicious bug, but one things for sure, i seem to have all the symptoms. Well at least all the classically cliched ones. The constant longing. The constant questioning. The constant wondering. The constant thinking. The constant every-bloody-thing. Just thinking about it makes me think more. Its just bloody confusing. And i'll tell you what...i love it. Every single angst-filled-polar inducing-flux of emotions that it induces in me. Of course feeling like this makes you more vulnerable to hurt. But the funny thing is that love...is actually all its cut out to be. Thats why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for. Its a huge risk, but its worth risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk eveyrthing, you risk even more. And if the risk of being able to feel like this is being hurt and ripped to shreds...then so be it. Because its a risk that i'm willing to take and if i could go back in time...i'd take that risk all over again.

Till next time. =)

What are we....

2006-01-23T00:23:00.000+08:00

I’ve been away awhile…not really anything much to say lately. Been living the life of a complete bum. As such, nothing thought provoking has entered my life as of late. However, something just occurred to me. I just realized, that no matter what happens in life, we just have to pick ourselves up and move on. I mean, what we become is what we make of ourselves. I’ve had friends who’ve lost parents at tender ages, yet turn out to be some of the most brilliant people I’ve ever met. Therefore, its occurred to me that it is in the face of adversity that the Human Condition truly reveals itself as the most beautiful of all God’s Creations.

Whenever we as individuals are faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, there is no silver lining in your cloud and the tunnel is ever longer with no light visible at the end, we pull through. Whether through some stroke of genius, or sheer dumb luck, we make it through. Of course there are always heaps of unfortunate incidents that happen to us, but it in when we think we have it bad, there’s always someone out there who’s worse off. This is incredibly clichéd, but it’s true what they say. You make your own luck. Somehow I have the impression that everything we do leads to something else. That everything has been premeditated for us, by God, and it’s the choices we make that shape and mould us into the individuals we become. Sure, as they say, “shit happens”. But honestly, “shit” can be avoided or deterred. Truly, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

No-ones perfect is the classical rebuttal to the above. We all are bound to make mistakes someday. True. Very true indeed. However, if God had intended for the world to be perfect, there would not be such a thing as Earth…there would only be…why…heaven! Where everything was, is and will be perfect. So, I’ve drawn the conclusion that it is in our imperfection that we are “perfect” so to speak. Everyone has their quirks and personalities, but it all meshes in perfectly to form the ‘perfect’ unit that is you and I. The oiled machination that does what it needs to, wants to and at the end of the day is its own master, for there is nothing greater than the human mind (bar God) We are canvasses. Empty ones as young children. However, we are the Da Vinci crafting the masterpiece, the Picasso and Van Gogh painting out the Starry Starry Night which we want to see. At the end of the day, we become the Mona Lisa we wish to be. Whether it be smiling, crying, laughing or just happily content, the choice is ours to make. If we choose to let the pitfalls in life affect us adversely and succumb to the pain that is part and parcel of life, or gritting your teeth and forging on, its your choice. Indeed we are the masters of our own destiny. In the eternal words of Brad Pitt echoed on the shores of Troy, “There lies our destiny, its yours. TAKE IT!”

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
Erma Bombeck, American Journalist

We become what we wish to be~~

That time of the year...

2005-12-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

In the last few months or so, I’ve watched bemused as a number of my friends slowly but surely have become afflicted with a strange disease. They lose all sense of propriety and go completely insane. The rational side of the brain ceases to function, and they do silly things. (or at least things that my rational brain tells me are silly. Yep...they’ve all been hit by the perennial love bug. The killer that takes millions of victims a year and yet goes unpunished. Only recently a good friend of mine celebrated her 5 months anniversary. I know la 50 years is golden, 25 years is silver, 15 is like...bronze or something...now 5 months...wooden la. =P, Typical convo would go:
Girl: Darling…do u know what day it is today?
Boy: Urm…(racks brains to try to get himself out of trouble) your dogs birthday? *sweat drips down*
Girl: No la u idiot! Its our anniversary!
Boy: Huh? But I thought...
Girl: Our 5 months la! How could you forget! *sulks* don’t you love me anymore? (tears well up in her doe like eyes
Boy: *Panic* Okokokok! Of course I remembered! Urm..thats why today I’m doing everything that YOU wanna do! Hows that?
Girl: *Hmphhh*!

But really the truth is, that love, although actually all around us, is becoming increasingly hard to find. Originally intangible and available only to those who choose to embrace it, Love, is becoming too tangible and is regarded by many as an asset in todays materialistic world. The world “love” is thrown around freely and honestly, if your boyfriend is good looking and rich, sure you love him! It’s a lot harder to love someone who looks like Ah Kau the hawker seller and smells like the Klang River.

Now, before all of you start venting your righteous anger and say, “So superficial! Beauty is only skin deep OK!” let me justify my statement (or at least try to la) Despite and in spite everyone’s insistence that beauty is only skin deep, the skin unfortunately is the largest organ in the body and the first thing you see. And first impressions are always lasting impressions. (which explains why the makeup industry is doing so well) Looks certainly count, but only to a certain extent. It definitely doesn’t hurt to be of the right weight. I mean, as callous as this sounds, if you saw a person who was not...aesthetically pleasing (aka tak chun) would u bother to go up to her/him and attempt to make small talk? Without trying to generalize, most would honestly say no. It’s always easier unless your extremely talkative (or insane) to approach someone who looks good. It’s human nature. Much as we would like to think that we would be able to look beyond beauty it’s hard. Even in nature, only the best looking animals get mates.

However, it must be said that beauty only does that one thing…attract. It’s aesthetics that pull others to you, but its your attitude that keeps them there and provides a solid platform for a loving relationship. (that or the love potion you got the bomoh to brew the night before he asked you out :P) I for one, feel that confidence is a much sought after attribute than just purely good looks. You may have noticed that sometimes the ugliest guys get the hottest chicks. (Mick Jagger for example) But then again, beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has their own personal taste, and funnily enough, you always go out with someone who shares some kinda similar feature with you. Be it a small trigger like nose or eyes, something has to click. I mean, even the ugliest person (generalizing here) will look himself/herself in the mirror before a night out, and say, “Damn, I look hot!”

So, at the end of the day, there’s always someone for everyone out there. As such, Love (in a long-term relationship), is the right blend of attraction, both physical as well as mental. Every successful relationship is catalysed by a burning desire of physical attraction. It is however maintained and buoyed by the personality raft, without which the sea of “Love” can truly be a wretched place. But hey, there’s a someone for everyone out there. We just have to be patient. (that and spend a lot of money of smooth threads and makeup sets and expensive cologne) In conclusion looks count. But they aren’t everything…not by a long shot…and love? Love still remains to me, a complete and absolute mystery to only which the answer will be discovered through time. Everyone is beautiful...just they don't know it yet. =D

To George Best, RIP

2005-11-28T22:15:00.000+08:00

George Best, 1946-2005. The boy from Belfast who played the beautiful game with a poise and grace which will never be emulated by another. Best had the power, pace, creativity coupled with a dogged resilience and a single minded determination to win. The beautiful game will never see the likes of a genius such as him ever again. Starting his professional career with Manchester United at the tender age of 17, everyone always knew that George was a cut above the rest, even in a team littered with such greats as Denis Law and Bobby Charlton.

George Best was an icon, an image associated with roaring 60’s, he all but invented modern football by himself. With his long sideburns, shaggy mane and rugged good looks, Best looked nothing like his contemporaries. In fact, you could put him in a Manchester United team of the 90’s and he would fit right in! He was that ahead of his time. He defined genius, new, brilliant and absolutely unstoppable! He seemed to float above the ground, playing with a grace that noone has ever and never will match. Ghosting over the pitch, he bamboozled defenders with trickery that was enchanting to behold. As his manager Matt Busby once said about George after he won them the European final at Benfica,

“The plan was to sit back and contain Benfica. To let them come at us. George must have had cotton wool in his ears, he didn’t hear! In 15 minutes, he had destroyed them with 2 goals of his own and made another! It was brilliant and I was almost angry with him!”

That statement defined Best. In true rebel brilliance he played the game the way hie wanted it to be played. Shirt untucked, socks rolled down, hair whillping freely and like quicksilver he waltzed past defenders who only ever saw his back. Riding tackles gloriously, he scored 200 odd goals in 400 odd games. An amazing ration for a player who played on the right wing, and in an era which hard tackling was the norm and hacking was acceptable. He was poetry in motion and everyone who saw him play acknowledged it no matter who you supported. It wasn’t hard to see. It was constantly in your face and you knew it.

George’s tragic story is all the more poignant given that with all the brilliance he was gifted with, he just had to self destruct. As he once said, “I had to be the best at everything. Just as I had to beat everyone on the pitch, I had to beat everyone on the town as well.” What if. What if he wasn’t so flamboyant. What if he was a model athlete, living out his life as a typical footballer of the era? Would he have been as appealing? A resounding “No” as an answer beckons. That’s what makes Bestie so appealing to the mere mortal, that he managed to squander all his money on birds, booze and fast cars. Live his life on the fast lane, and still win every sporting accolade there is to win in the beautiful game. Now that, was Genius. He was a freak of nature, an improbable compromise between God and the Devil to give one individual everything he would ever want. To live the impossible dream. Play for the best team in the world, sleep with the most beautiful women and yet, despite all my misgivings still have the adulation of a million people. He was, whether by chance or by divine intervention the very Best, as his name succinctly suggests.

When Best received his liver transplant, there were individuals who condemned him saying, “a waste of a good liver”. But who are we to judge? Us mere mortals will never reach the scintillating heights that he did. The closest thing to perfection that will ever be. When he left Man Utd, the world knew that his time was over. What must it have been like to know that you were the brightest shooting star ever. And know that you would never burn as brightly ever again? To have had the world at your fingertips and at your beck and call? The higher you climb, the harder you fall. And for Best who climbed every footballers Everest, the fall must have been the hardest. We all bugger up. Everyone does. Only we will never ever understand what it would have been, to be George Best, the Boy from Belfast. If Highbury is Henry’s garden, then the world, was George Best’s oyster and Old Trafford indeed the theatre of dreams. A stage he strut upon. To a man who the world will never see the likes of again, from us commonplace entities, thank you Georgie Best...for everything.

Virgin post!

2005-11-26T01:33:00.000+08:00

Right...first post…so there’s this trend that’s been going on for awhile now, people start blogging, and in typically there will be the occasional bout of camwhoring (hey, everyone does it once in awhile k! theres this girl i know...but i won't go any further cough*pink*cough =P ) And of course there will be the bouts of melancholia, where they complain about all life has to offer, and then there are the religious who dedicate their lives to God (or at least try as hard as they can). All blogs have a marginal propensity to be centred about oneself. (which is the point anyway) Being the slightly self-centred person I am (yes, yes, u lot can stop agreeing now.) I thought I’d be a sheep for once and enjoy the trivial pleasures of blogging. Its obviously a good spot to vent ones frustration and the way one feels about the world. Funnily enough that’s where sometimes I believe bloggers kinda just…lose they’re way.

Something very interesting happened just on Tuesday, I was trying to get meself a nice dress shirt, and I bumped into an old friend (any of you out there remember Tara? She looks stunning! :D) and somehow got her to come along to help me pick out a shirt, cuz I’m shit at making decisions. (I mean…food aso cannot choose, and this is at the typical hawker centre where there are a million hawkers “advertising” under your nose… “BOSS MAU NASI KANDAR!” “BOSS, KUAY TEOW GORENG!’ and i'll still be urmm-ing and ahh-ing) At any rate, I was trying on shirts she picked (boys, rule of thumb, always let the lady pick ur dresses…that way u have someone to blame if things go awry) and as I was trying them on I kept asking hwe what she thought, and she said to me, “Do you wear these shirts because you think you look good, or because you want to impress people?”. Very profound, and in her naivete, that pretty much pulled me up short. Is the life we lead a performance perpetuated by the continual demands of society? Much like blogging…all the famous bloggers, they blog they’re mind, to an extent of course, but eventually, they start blogging to “impress” so to speak. The occasional streak of showmanship which was originally a trademark eventually becomes a constant. And the blog is not so much a personal place, but rather a showcase. Or not? That’s just my personal opinion of course.

As for myself, I’m blogging to vent my thoughts and possibly keep my friends updated with my life. For the uninitiated, my name is Julian Lam. I’m 5’10, lived in Malaysia all my life up to 16 after which I flew across the sea to a metropolitan city known as Sydney where I boarded at a Catholic Boys School called, St. Ignatius College, upon where i was inundated with Australian culture of rugby and sport, mateship (not in that way la) and a new perspective on life. Just finished my A levels, and now awaiting my marks, in home sticky home Malaysia, with severe trepidation. Hope to get into Uni in Sydney, doing a course in Media and Communications, hoping to get somewhere in life, specializing in the field of journalism. Interestingly, I’ve been told by counselors that 70% of the individuals who enter media and communications (or mass comm.) get absolutely nowhere in life. So what do I do? Stick with my dream and be shot out of the sky? Currently confuddled and befused. Help anyone?